tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post3551267165008443072..comments2023-09-22T07:03:03.280-04:00Comments on The Clarity of Night: Forties Club Finalist #14Jason Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14851992219298316168noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-58275114374075335852010-07-30T09:46:27.007-04:002010-07-30T09:46:27.007-04:00Ha! I like Peter's suggestion! Fodder for a lo...Ha! I like Peter's suggestion! Fodder for a longer short story, or a novel?bekbekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17935766604154823539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-34588365965709924662010-07-29T14:39:53.644-04:002010-07-29T14:39:53.644-04:00from this line on So this is what an empty house ...from this line on <i> So this is what an empty house sounds like?” he thought </i> i knew where the story was heading.<br />i smiled all the way :)<br /><br />wv: unriddlSzélsőFahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11600289147447182465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-62686365159804937422010-07-29T07:45:29.493-04:002010-07-29T07:45:29.493-04:00I love the way you use this line as a hinge for th...I love the way you use this line as a hinge for the piece:<br /><br /><i>“So this is what an empty house sounds like?” he thought.<br /></i><br /><br />I also thought it could have been done in italics, without the "he thought" tag, and saved you two word plus added a visual punch. <br /><br />Aside from a typo I thought this was fantastic! Loved the story and the sneakiness of it. Positively insidious.Laurelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06120847492230531939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-66462023842735006752010-07-29T03:53:44.608-04:002010-07-29T03:53:44.608-04:00I wonder if it was the wife who set him up....
.I wonder if it was the wife who set him up....<br /><br />.JaneyVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951739945670483199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-79493430624075614012010-07-28T17:56:47.837-04:002010-07-28T17:56:47.837-04:00Sorry, this one didn't work for me. If he'...Sorry, this one didn't work for me. If he'd actually off'd his wife, why would he call out for her? Maybe he's a bit cracked and is doing it as a joke, but if it's just for the sake of tricking the reader, then it doesn't work. <br /><br />Some of the transitions were a little clunky. Like the cops were resistant one second, then out in the woods searching the next. And as mentioned above, a line of dialogue before the guy denies killing his wife would have smoothed it out a bit.Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-85350287336501381852010-07-27T22:15:37.242-04:002010-07-27T22:15:37.242-04:00Hi Matthew!
Nicely done, he surely did her in... ...Hi Matthew!<br /><br />Nicely done, he surely did her in... let's hope he gets his.<br /><br />Dottie :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08688849410604429533noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-76348481417499077792010-07-27T15:02:20.024-04:002010-07-27T15:02:20.024-04:00Ooo, good story! Very subtle. Well done.Ooo, good story! Very subtle. Well done.Deb Smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10990130480508998598noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-37519131590591224792010-07-24T06:37:14.942-04:002010-07-24T06:37:14.942-04:00Now that's ... cold. Good story.Now that's ... cold. Good story.Katherine Tomlinsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696623795926663895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-5909661854880545892010-07-22T03:59:00.690-04:002010-07-22T03:59:00.690-04:00Liar Liar pants on Fire...
He did sound fishy up t...Liar Liar pants on Fire...<br />He did sound fishy up there...<br />Really Great Work...<br />~CheersErratic Thoughtshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14852558150033296079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-91012884035081848632010-07-22T01:20:11.283-04:002010-07-22T01:20:11.283-04:00I hope this is the beginning of a ghost story wher...I hope this is the beginning of a ghost story where she ends up haunting him.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-79242692767976111522010-07-21T22:02:08.790-04:002010-07-21T22:02:08.790-04:00LoL
Nope. That doesn't make him look guilty a...LoL<br /><br />Nope. That doesn't make him look guilty at all.Oddyoddyo13https://www.blogger.com/profile/05557994037779209704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-91633933760085450362010-07-21T21:36:09.756-04:002010-07-21T21:36:09.756-04:00I most like the subtleties you use here that clue ...I most like the subtleties you use here that clue us in on the narrator - "so this is what an empty house..." and knuckle cracking, and the final line is a nice touch.<br /><br />If you wanted, I think you could slip in a short, pointed question from the police, adding a line of dialog before he proclaims he didn't kill his wife.Jade L Blackwaterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15321787298101881675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-48067123150922465242010-07-21T16:52:50.715-04:002010-07-21T16:52:50.715-04:00I'm guessing he probably killed her, that it w...I'm guessing he probably killed her, that it was a crime of passion. Why else would he leave the jewels on her? (My guess is based on the photograph.)<br /><br />On a different note: The Battered Suitcase - another notch under "my" rejection belt.JR's Thumbprintshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10479324326541901987noreply@blogger.com