tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post1276455288554568059..comments2023-09-22T07:03:03.280-04:00Comments on The Clarity of Night: Entry #199Jason Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14851992219298316168noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-76167830935918897452010-01-19T15:43:19.396-05:002010-01-19T15:43:19.396-05:00Blogger just ate the comment I tried to leave. No...Blogger just ate the comment I tried to leave. Normally I would be disgruntled about that and not leave much the next time, but this one felt important to try again...:-)<br /><br />I loved the message of this piece, and there are so many well written lines. The form of the poem got in the way for me though. I felt the lines didn't flow like a poem, but were chopped sentences and therefore not graceful. I think you can do better to form this poem and put more poetry into the lines. Or, you could make it into a prose poem and extend your sentences. As it is now, the form doesn't hold the weight of the message. For me anyway.catvibehttp://www.catvibe.net/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-89843464725772053652010-01-18T01:33:30.790-05:002010-01-18T01:33:30.790-05:00Might I suggest that the entirety of the poem is t...Might I suggest that the entirety of the poem is that last stanza, and all the rest of it is simply redundant and therefore can be cut? I love that last stanza, and I think you get across the whole message with more impact right there.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-24831453134840316732010-01-17T11:01:43.550-05:002010-01-17T11:01:43.550-05:00Every decision we make constructs our lives around...Every decision we make constructs our lives around us. We can construct life of beauty, of love and of possibilities or we can make our lives a prison. We should chose carefully or one day our choices will be too limited<br /><br /><i>And you chose not to see<br />Anything else<br />But the black<br />Damned bird<br />Flying away<br />With your dreams</i><br /><br />Well written.JaneyVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951739945670483199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-72582781969407207782010-01-16T18:51:56.031-05:002010-01-16T18:51:56.031-05:00I liked the structure of short, sharp lines. It ga...I liked the structure of short, sharp lines. It gave an impression of struggling against chains.Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04344917148662934359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-37027339585706209512010-01-16T18:18:11.726-05:002010-01-16T18:18:11.726-05:00Sad yet cautionary tale - carpe diem.
Well done.Sad yet cautionary tale - carpe diem.<br /><br />Well done.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-84006553433027802722010-01-16T09:10:57.677-05:002010-01-16T09:10:57.677-05:00Interesting take on the photograph. I like your ch...Interesting take on the photograph. I like your choice of putting one thought, one object by themselves, giving emphasis where it needs to be.James R. Tomlinsonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-52508525324971996742010-01-16T00:05:50.856-05:002010-01-16T00:05:50.856-05:00Caveat
Something I Would Keep
definitely the last ...<br><br><a href="http://www.insearchofgiants.com/2010/01/commenting-on-silhouette.html" rel="nofollow">Caveat</a><br><br /><b>Something I Would Keep</b><br><br />definitely the last lines<br /><br /><b>Something I Might Tweak</b><br><br />more description - many of the words are less than specific, and you can still keep that wonderful staccato with more precise wordsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-54016224390839389502010-01-14T11:36:21.268-05:002010-01-14T11:36:21.268-05:00very well done, jasmine :)very well done, jasmine :)laughingwolfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08873675614347328116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-82690137345480814282010-01-13T18:20:05.222-05:002010-01-13T18:20:05.222-05:00Very beautiful and lyrical. The rhythm flows wonde...Very beautiful and lyrical. The rhythm flows wonderfully.<br /><br />Your name caught my eye. My first name is Jasmin too, no "e" at the end.<br /><br />J. RandickAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-45559459465881573222010-01-13T18:03:35.860-05:002010-01-13T18:03:35.860-05:00Absolutely beautiful! And profound at a very psych...Absolutely beautiful! And profound at a very psychological level...<br /><br />NevineNevine Sultanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08794887684860140819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-458640097530123892010-01-13T15:12:02.883-05:002010-01-13T15:12:02.883-05:00I too loved the easy flow of words. And Bernita be...I too loved the easy flow of words. And Bernita beat me into picking up the fav. lines. Liked this a lot.Aniket Thakkarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311954967682696734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-36040393956896676492010-01-13T14:23:39.925-05:002010-01-13T14:23:39.925-05:00I also liked the flow of the poem. Really well don...I also liked the flow of the poem. Really well done.<br /><br />@ Mahesh: there are few more poems in the contest, you might have missed them.lenahttp://www.thecolorsmagazine.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-78743170110296878852010-01-13T13:17:54.914-05:002010-01-13T13:17:54.914-05:00Lovely poem. Almost felt like it was one long sent...Lovely poem. Almost felt like it was one long sentence.<br />I especially liked the way it flowed. <br /><br />Lack of rhyme added to the depth. <br /><br />Liked. Very much. :-)Preetihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00279859240371070699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-76228621034325861812010-01-13T12:49:11.435-05:002010-01-13T12:49:11.435-05:00Love the staccato beat. It really fits the mood.Love the staccato beat. It really fits the mood.Deb Smythenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-2139084054173174092010-01-13T10:05:19.511-05:002010-01-13T10:05:19.511-05:00"And you chose not to see
Anything else
But t..."And you chose not to see<br />Anything else<br />But the black<br />Damned bird<br />Flying away<br />With your dreams"<br /><br />Lovely finale!<br />I like the repetition of " black damned bird."Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-593537887086604182010-01-13T09:49:20.723-05:002010-01-13T09:49:20.723-05:00Wow...I wondered why no one tried poetry apart fro...Wow...I wondered why no one tried poetry apart from me and here i see you..<br /><br /> As the depth of feelings is so deep and realistic...the stumbling rhythm can be ignored.<br /><br />Hope did raise at one point and then pulled down by the reality at the end.<br /><br />Good attempt :)<br /><br />probably Jason can judge it better cuz I myself new to poetry :)Mahesh Sindbandgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17099095274767291078noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-58115301912615254972010-01-13T09:00:18.377-05:002010-01-13T09:00:18.377-05:00Lovely - courageous!Lovely - courageous!Michael Solenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01120045114297450520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-66160586986800821272010-01-13T08:26:11.692-05:002010-01-13T08:26:11.692-05:00Paralyzed by fear or literally?
I love the simpl...Paralyzed by fear or literally? <br /><br />I love the simple structure and words here. The longing for something else is palpable.Laurelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06120847492230531939noreply@blogger.com