tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post3341469203198548190..comments2023-09-22T07:03:03.280-04:00Comments on The Clarity of Night: Entry #130Jason Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14851992219298316168noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-73335027116571637622009-07-28T10:42:25.645-04:002009-07-28T10:42:25.645-04:00This reads like a much longer piece. Excellent cha...This reads like a much longer piece. Excellent characterization and description throughout. Wonderful job.Jaye Wellshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09407478042834459126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-77689137966203528642009-07-27T09:48:04.673-04:002009-07-27T09:48:04.673-04:00Such a huge moment about to happen. Excitement. ...Such a huge moment about to happen. Excitement. Fear. I hope the best for this couple.<br /><br />Congratulations on Honorable Mention!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-65500672065051128812009-07-24T05:03:11.182-04:002009-07-24T05:03:11.182-04:00Honorable! Congrats!Honorable! Congrats!McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-78450949068488516302009-07-23T12:42:50.815-04:002009-07-23T12:42:50.815-04:00Well done Aerin. Big snuggles to you.Well done Aerin. Big snuggles to you.JaneyVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951739945670483199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-18578656437359754652009-07-21T12:17:17.542-04:002009-07-21T12:17:17.542-04:00Ha. I liked this one. And it got a chuckle out of ...Ha. I liked this one. And it got a chuckle out of me. Is that wrong? :) Nice job.Rabid Foxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13307255127156087170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-82359991438523394982009-07-19T04:09:35.381-04:002009-07-19T04:09:35.381-04:00Hey there..
I had warped to your entry before. No...Hey there..<br /><br />I had warped to your entry before. Now I reached here in queue. I too feel it showed more than told. I like showing much more than telling. So it was all good for me. <br /><br />And without going into all technical mumbo-jumbo (as my granny would call it :D)... I love it more each time I read it. It is legen-waitforit-dary!<br /><br /><br />PS: My bro. gifted me 'The Bro. Code' on my birthday.Aniket Thakkarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311954967682696734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-40172639331397204102009-07-18T00:25:29.831-04:002009-07-18T00:25:29.831-04:00I wouldn't be concerned with "showing&quo...I wouldn't be concerned with "showing" versus "telling." It's definitely not a problem. With sentences such as: <br /><br />“Sweetheart.” Caelin strokes her wife’s cheek as Chloe unfolds the passport she’s been clutching. A little girl with dark eyes and copper skin gazes at them, unsmiling and unafraid. “She liked us well enough before. Any kid will hate her parents at some point. Let’s just focus on getting her home.” <br /><br />This is a textbook example of how to have movement in your story. <br /><br />As for having a full plot arc in 250 words - it can be done; however, if you do do it, sacrifices will have to be made elsewhere. Sacrifices such as less descriptions, more movement. <br /><br />I liked your story.JR's Thumbprintshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10479324326541901987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-52041383212151764272009-07-17T23:17:18.179-04:002009-07-17T23:17:18.179-04:00One of my very good friends (J@na knows her too) s...One of my very good friends (J@na knows her too) sort of dated Neil Patrick Harris' brother for a while. I forgot to list that among my credentials in the earlier comment.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-14683109987466783742009-07-17T22:51:03.250-04:002009-07-17T22:51:03.250-04:00Hey Pete - thanks; great comments. I agree about ...Hey Pete - thanks; great comments. I agree about the first three lines, although it's the /second/ three lines that bug me, so I think the whole intro piece needs refreshing. If I were going to do anything else with it. Which I'm not.<br /><br />This piece is an homage to two friends who have adopted a Nepalese daughter - I have a /total/ crush on the Caelin. And on Neil Patrick Harris. Crushes do not observe sexual preference or availability, or I wouldn't be able to crush on anyone since I'm married. And then where would Aniket be?<br /><br />All right, enough brain break, back to the entries for me and figuring out which of my comments Blogger ate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-60785400521165271742009-07-17T20:50:22.042-04:002009-07-17T20:50:22.042-04:00Aerin, I totally agree with your assessment of the...Aerin, I totally agree with your assessment of the story. Terrific moment in a larger story, but as I've seen you say elsewhere, it does not really have the full plot arc you'd ideally want. But even so, there is character development, setting, and a good setup of the relationship.<br /><br />To your specific question, I don't think there's any telling at all. So much of the characterization is shown through dialog and gesture. Most people have some idea of what the inside of an airplane looks and sounds like, whether through personal experience or movies, so I think if you dwelt too much on the details, it would come across as gratuitous detail (detail for its own sake, not for the story's sake).<br /><br />I already have a crush on Chloe (yes, I know she's gay) for her sense of humor and her ability to sense Caelin's anxiety and ease it with just a few light words. And her humorous wisdom that at some point all kids hate their parents, and her practical nature of focusing on the things they can do now.<br /><br />I agree with your further assessment that you should be quite pleased with how it turned out as a writing exercise. The words flow quite well, the dialog runs the story, and even though there's essentially no movement in the scene, you've managed to achieve a pleasant pace where the writing does not get in the way of the communication. The only place I would focus more effort is the first three sentences--while it sets us up for her frame of mind, and it informs us of the locations (important), it felt a little flat for me. Perhaps flip it around a bit and start with the passport photo?<br /><br />Anyway, it's all showing, not telling. Don't worry, you've got very strong writing here.<br /><br />And I'm as authoritative an expert as you can get--a slightly-published (short stories only) bank employee with an electrical engineering degree. Yeah, them's credentials you can chew on.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-72954863616040424962009-07-17T19:48:48.439-04:002009-07-17T19:48:48.439-04:00I appreciate everyone's comments. I'm not...I appreciate everyone's comments. I'm not satisfied with this as a flash-fiction piece, but quite pleased with it as a writing exercise in general. <br /><br />What do y'all think about how much showing v. telling there was? I was really trying to hit that; it's a hard distinction for me. Thoughts?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-5722466495369155812009-07-17T19:47:06.885-04:002009-07-17T19:47:06.885-04:00Dudley, Parrish isn't talking about the story....Dudley, Parrish isn't talking about the <i>story</i>....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-33164107626591088822009-07-17T18:27:30.605-04:002009-07-17T18:27:30.605-04:00Well... you had me at "Twenty-two hours...&qu...Well... you had <i>me</i> at "Twenty-two hours..."PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-15358624459182303902009-07-17T16:23:01.701-04:002009-07-17T16:23:01.701-04:00You had me at "scarlet silk."You had me at "scarlet silk."Stephen Parrishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16883165490847664389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-28068026596599601922009-07-17T14:16:04.898-04:002009-07-17T14:16:04.898-04:00Two mommies are better than one i guess ;)
NTwo mommies are better than one i guess ;)<br /><br />NPallavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09597178864833810868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-18131088413197353982009-07-16T13:19:38.557-04:002009-07-16T13:19:38.557-04:00And you were worried??? Aerin this piece is so to...And you were worried??? Aerin this piece is so touching and genuine. I am always in awe of how you manage such emotive vignettes with such an incredibly light touch. I loved this xxxJaneyVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951739945670483199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-62272142329944547702009-07-16T05:10:40.191-04:002009-07-16T05:10:40.191-04:00Really cool story. Long plane flights are always b...Really cool story. Long plane flights are always better with wine. Sadly, I was always stuck in economy and that's when you get whiskey from duty free! <br /><br />Anywho, well written, great images, light bouncing feel. Really enjoyed it!Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05155314544060618259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-55829597490853525892009-07-16T00:05:18.266-04:002009-07-16T00:05:18.266-04:00I agree with all the above. Excellent writing, be...I agree with all the above. Excellent writing, beautiful descriptions. very powerful stuff.J. M. Poirothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047291112115641863noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-49470171606456717112009-07-15T23:00:17.402-04:002009-07-15T23:00:17.402-04:00Just precious. Thank you. :)Just precious. Thank you. :)Esther Avilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06840416881970211377noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-89225755670426084472009-07-15T22:32:29.415-04:002009-07-15T22:32:29.415-04:00Excellent descriptive words! Very sophisticated st...Excellent descriptive words! Very sophisticated story.Lizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02479420775438541054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-56066326021451309292009-07-15T20:48:00.087-04:002009-07-15T20:48:00.087-04:00Aerin, this has a strong voice and a sweet story -...Aerin, this has a strong voice and a sweet story -- a nice take on the prompt.Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12003379181294550035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-86413408421407692092009-07-15T17:22:55.936-04:002009-07-15T17:22:55.936-04:00Great voice here. I think I'd read your novel....Great voice here. I think I'd read your novel.Carrie Clevengerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05093923008179106837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-40214885752922923522009-07-15T17:04:53.379-04:002009-07-15T17:04:53.379-04:00:):)moonrathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06294151043419378509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-67359002971861851512009-07-15T16:37:48.447-04:002009-07-15T16:37:48.447-04:00I agree with the others, Aerin. Great piece.I agree with the others, Aerin. Great piece.Dottie Camptownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00891885810903269126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15498010.post-46961315969751958592009-07-15T16:25:13.829-04:002009-07-15T16:25:13.829-04:00A little part of me went "Squee!" when i...A little part of me went "Squee!" when it became all squishy. I may write from the dark-side but I love me some squishy. Well done.Amanda F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11302784595594793121noreply@blogger.com