"The Eyewitness"
by Bhaswati Ghosh
“Quit it.” Her words stiffened his limbs every evening, as he lumbered his way back home. They got married just four months back. He could sense her yearning for security.
The day job helped little more than pay for the bills and groceries. He couldn’t afford quitting the evening MBA classes. But…
The dark stretch. And the portentous pole.
There were already two cases of electrocution since they joined the neighborhood a month ago. It was a weird road, he thought. No matter how many times the municipality fixed the street light, it stopped functioning.
It’s always midnight here.
But it was the only route to walk back home. Thus her warning, laced with premonition.
“Silly girl, always thinking the worst. I am not the only one who walks on that road.”
Faking reassurance. Easy. Plodding through that dark track every evening. Creepy. The pole alone didn’t bother him; in the back of his mind, snapshots lurked—of pickpockets ruffling his trousers’ back pocket…
A .410 handgun did it in the end. It was Diwali eve, and he bought her favorite sweets. As he wound his way through the dark road, humming a song, three gun shots twisted his gait into a red rivulet. Unarmed civilians were the best targets to drive home the demand for a separate state.
His cellphone, lying unclaimed with his corpse, beeped twice. There was just one eyewitness—a live, mute electric pole.
It was midnight when the police contacted her to identify the body.
Hey Sury. Nice work with this piece--loved it. It's so much fun reading all these dark stories. My fav.
ReplyDelete-oni
Sweet and sad, Bhaswati. Great job.
ReplyDeleteTragic piece. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteForewarned, but disregarded because of need. How true for our society as a whole!
ReplyDeleteVery good, very well written! Nice story.
This piece hints at a political struggle in India? I'd like to know more about this. So sad.
ReplyDeleteI can empathise, neat meeting point -- living in strife-torn countries has its live hazards, yeah, back in my "terrortry" too.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I appreciate all the kind words. I loved your respective entries, too. Those of you who've submitted so far that is. Good luck to all of us!
ReplyDeleteScott, you guess is correct. The piece is drawn from a real incident. Years ago, when I was in school, a terrorist movement demanding a separate state of Khalistan was going on. The "terrorists" invaded our neighborhood and adjoning areas on the eve of a festival, killing several people. I was present at a venue they targetted.
Nothing happened to me or my family. We survived. Some of our acquaintances were less lucky, though.
Desiderata, yes, we live amid an ever unpredictable atmosphere, don't we?
Wow. Excellent piece. Jer
ReplyDeleteThe overshadowing was accompanying the piece from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteVery well executed!
Thanks, Jer and Melly.
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry for the typo I made while replying to Scott. It should be "your guess," obviously. Ouch. :P
There is no spell checker in the comments section Bhaswati. I get busted all the time!
ReplyDeleteI liked the psychological analysis built into the story - we reassure ourselves about dangerous situations in order to cope with our fears and anxieties. Nicely played.
ReplyDeleteI love this visual: "three gun shots twisted his gait into a red rivulet." I immediately envisioned a twisted red cord, which in my mind tied/connected all the events/conditions together.
ReplyDeleteAnd they are all connected, usually. New technologies, new struggles, new expressions of old struggles.
Good to know I have company, Scott. LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jim.
Bekbek, that's a neat interpretation. To be honest, I didn't think that deep while writing that sentence, but it works!
Great piece, Sury. Sad but really well told. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteAmra, your compliment blows me away (blush). Your entry is great too!
ReplyDeleteCesar, thank you so much :)
Its always midnight here. So sad. Great story.
ReplyDeleteWell done! I love all the dark imagery - the piece truly feels like "it's always midnight" there.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda and JLB :)
ReplyDeleteLove when a piece starts with dialogue. Kept the pace up
ReplyDeletekept the tension
I enjoyed !!
Thanks, Anna!
ReplyDeleteThis is a stunning piece. It is intelligently written and emotionally charged. Unfortunately, all too real in our precarious world.
ReplyDeleteThanks, KLG, for the kind words. The world is precarious, indeed, and the stories can't remain aloof from what happens either.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked reading it :)
I absolutely agree with others who admire the midnight theme, especially as it ties into the ending.
ReplyDeleteWonderful.
Thanks, Elisha. I treasure your compliment because I loved your story :)
ReplyDeleteGreat work. In particular, I love your punchy beginning. A two-word command, followed by the strong image of "Her words stiffened his limbs every evening."
ReplyDeleteGreat writing!
Thank you, Fran. I appreciate the kind words :)
ReplyDeleteSury, the descriptive distance from the violence was chilling. Just like the cold emotions of the separatist. High marks for the power of the dramatic impact.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jason, for taking the time to point out what worked in the story. Now, I will look for further feedback from you to know what didn't. LOL.
ReplyDeleteThanks a bunch!