The Command from Above
by Margaret Sagri
“What’s your favourite colour?”
“Brown,” mumbled Adam, not taking his eyes off the twig he was sharpening.
“What’s yours?”
“Red.”
“Red?” Adam’s head jerked up like a shot.
“Red’s a girl’s colour. It’s like pink. Only for sissies,” spat Adam.
“It’s the colour of blood...and fire.” Kevin’s eyes gleamed.
Adam put his penknife down. The dry leaves rustled under him as he began to fidget.
“Let’s see which of us is a sissy,” sneered Kevin as he picked it up.
“Give me your hand.”
“Why?” exclaimed Adam, quickly stuffing his hands into his pockets.
“I had a dream last night. The Goddess of fire came to me,” a smile lit up Kevin’s face.
“The Goddess of fire?” Adam’s voice was a whisper.
“Her long red hair fell like dancing flames,” continued Kevin, transfixed in awe.
A sharp gasp escaped Adam’s lips as he stared at his friend.
“Let’s burn some of this dry wood,” Kevin said, pulling matches from his pocket.
Before Adam could protest, Kevin ignited some kindling.
Panicking as the flames licked the undergrowth, Adam jumped to his feet, pulling Kevin with him.
“Kevin, get up! The fire! We have to put out the fire!” cried Adam.
Pain shot through Adam’s hand before he saw the knife coming. In a mad frenzy, he seized the penknife from Kevin’s clutches. The roaring heat of the engulfing fire triggered Adam’s movements as he stabbed Kevin’s body insanely.
“She came to me in my dreams, too,” disclosed Adam.
Wow, the darkness Margaret! Here I was happily reading along with what seemed like two young kids about to play a stupid game of knife dare and it morphs into...into...this! And all along I thought Kevin was the darker one. Excellent dialogue and wicked twist. Well done.
ReplyDeleteBTW, Margaret, I had no idea you had it in you to be so brutal.
Thanks, Cat!
ReplyDeleteMe? Brutal? Where did you get that idea? ;) Except maybe when Jason challenges me with such a prompt!
@Cat: I've been observing the same, lately. She's a sleeper agent. She's been playing nice all these years and now her wild side is making an entrance. She made apples sound so sexy at FlashFiction :)
ReplyDelete@Margaret: I'm sticking to my statement. ;)
The dialogues, pacing and the twist in the end. I really liked them all. A very entertaining piece.
The end was a little abrupt for me since Adam gave no indication of his dream first, but it was also a nice twist to the expectation that Kevin was the 'bad guy'. :)
ReplyDeleteI thought Kevin was the bad guy too and I was all set up for them to do some sort of blood pact thing - then murder! What a shocker!
ReplyDeleteOhhhh...so twisted, wasn't expectin it! Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteDottie :)
And Adam was playing so coy 'til the end. I love the twist! ~Jana
ReplyDeleteWow! Enjoyed this story
ReplyDeleteThat fire goddess is a wily one. Can't be trusted, that one. Playing boy against boy. Too much like Aerin. Appearing in dreams and all that.
ReplyDeleteI had a little trouble figuring out who was speaking in parts because of the paragraph breaks. But not that much trouble. I liked the dialog overall.
@ Aniket
ReplyDeleteYou've seen enough of my nice side over the years. Time you got to know the real me! LOL - and don't tell me you don't enjoy eating apples now since you read that poem! ;)
Oh and thanks for your nice comment on this piece. Much appreciated! :)
@ Aimee
Thank you. Yeah, I agree with you about the abrupt ending. Not easy to get everything into 250 words.
@ Fairyhedgehog
Thanks, I'm glad the ending surprised you.
@ Dottie
Many thanks!
@ Jana
Yeah, who'd have expected Adam to be the bad guy? ;) Thanks for stopping by.
@ Wrath999
Thank you!
@ Peter
Who is to be trusted these days? Can't even trust a fire goddess!
Don't know about Aerin though.
I see what you mean about the paragraph breaks. I'll keep that in mind in future. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. :)
Brutal!! I really like the last line. Take care
ReplyDeletex
This surprised me too, Margaret! In a most agreeable way. :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the idea of these two boys being bound by their dream, and united in fire. You did a great job of turning it around on the reader. Well done!
Interesting piece. The conversation between the boys was fluid and rich, the twist intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing!
@ Old Kitty
ReplyDeleteSadly, life can be brutal as well as beautiful. Thanks so much for leaving a comment. You, take care, too. :)
@ Sarah
So good to see you here! Your comments are always so loved by many of us. :)
I'm glad this surprised you and even happier for your encouraging words. Thank you, Sarah! Hope you & your family are all keeping well.
@ Mikki
Thank you, your comment makes me feel I must have got something right here. :)
Now I find myself wondering, is Adam a pawn, or an opportunist?... :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't see it coming, so I let a whispered "shit." That's always a good sign. :-)
ReplyDeleteGlad that you included elements from the photo in your story. The twist at the end surprised me. Turned what appeared to be story of childhood innocence into something very dark. Good job.
ReplyDelete@Jade - That's something each reader needs to find out for him/herself. :)
ReplyDelete@Richard - You should have seen my grin when I read your comment. I'd like to have heard that whispered "shit" :D
@Bruce - Thanks, Bruce. I did try to include the elements as much as possible. Glad you were surprised - that's what I was hoping.
Margaret - this really surprised me. I added a 'holy' to Richard's comment! Well done!
ReplyDeleteJaney - I read in one of your comments that you're Irish so the 'holy' didn't surprise me. LOL :D ....oh, and thank you!
ReplyDeleteAdam was quicker on the draw. I liked the portrayal of action. Solidly written. I especially liked the pacing.
ReplyDelete