False Exit
by Andrew Arens
She woke up gasping for air. Something was covering her face, not letting her breathe. The cold sounds of machines filled the room. She clawed at the thing on her face and flung it off.
The room was the size of a high school gymnasium filled with rows of stainless steel tables. Most were empty but some had crumpled sheets lying in the middle of them. The translucent walls were lined by large nondescript machines covered in blinking lights. She looked down and saw the dirty leather straps securing her legs to the table she laid on.
She released her feet and stood, wrapping the sheet around her body. The ice cold floor burned her bare feet. She ran towards a door she spotted on the far wall, crying out when her hip hit one of the sharp metal corners of a table. She searched the door for a handle or a knob with her hands. A shout filtered through beneath the door and she pounded with both hands screaming. Finally she noticed a green button in the wall, slightly behind one of the machines.
As soon as the button pushed in, the room behind the door turned blood red and a hand pressed against the wall. And then another hand could be seen through the wall, and another. The door swung open and she realized in terror as the hands reached out this wasn’t an exit but the entrance to something much worse.
Terrifying concept. That feeling of being controlled by the unknown is something from nightmares. You've captured that. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteThis has a creepy (in a good way)sci-fi feel. Could be alien abduction, human expermentation, lots of possibilities. But the idea that this could also be Hell offers another twist and a different connotation.
ReplyDeleteOooooh. Very creepy. Now I wonder what is on the other side!
ReplyDeleteOh... I like it. Creepy and hellish.. Does it get much better?
ReplyDeleteNicely done!
Dottie :)
Well, I will remind myself not to open creepy doors next time...
ReplyDeleteI liked your piece... :)
The setting is very "clinical," yet "surreal." I liked how you incorporated more than one hand closing in. Nicely done.
ReplyDeletean unknown and fearsome territory that becomes even worse.... uh, like a nightmare... *shudders*
ReplyDeleteTerrifying, the fear of what is in front of us, compared to what is yet to come. Well-crafted piece!
ReplyDeleteThe escape is no escape at all! Nice twist. Well done! ~Jana A
ReplyDeleteChilling. Was with her in the room. Liked the intimacy of her using the sheet to cover when others had not. Interesting her hands were free to unstrap her feet. Choices?
ReplyDeleteGood work!
Oh no, don't stop there! What happened!!??
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff!! Thank you, take care
x
Ohh. Excellent ending, brought to life with vivid description. I felt your character's panic radiate from the page. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I think you could tighten the writing, by making it more direct and eliminating some prepositions, but this was a creepy entry. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone for the comments and feedback. I had fun with this one.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me they were zombies. Please, please, please? Otherwise we don't have ANY zombie entries and I'm SUCH a sucker for zombies.
ReplyDeleteFunny that JR said clinical...because I thought of the book/movie Coma. Not exactly but that's where my mind jumped. This feels to me like an opening scene to a much more dramatic story. I'd love to see where it goes.
ReplyDeleteYikes, not a good position to be in. The coldness and threat of the room came across well.
ReplyDelete