(Just joining us? Go back to Part 1)
Lamplight shone warm on her dark hair, long with the barest wave.
Nathaniel knew she was tall, but not willowy. Powerful shoulders squared to the outside world as she read. Her stillness broke only to turn a page.
The other girls thundered in the house. He heard them. On the stairs. Down the hallways. Sometimes their laughter twinkled under emerging stars.
But she drew the twilight around herself and commanded it. Nathaniel cared only for her. Every moment, her intensity burned in his mind. It pained him as it fed him. And when she gazed up and sliced the world with her eyes, he bled.
By sheer force of will, she rooted him beneath that tree. He loved the sweep of her hair, the curve of her cheek, her defiance. But most of all, he loved the eyes he could never quite see.
He watched.
Silent.
And her spell drained meaning from the rest of the world.
Back to Part 1
Marvelous!
ReplyDeleteLove the descriptives.
Dang if it doesn't smack of (at this point) unrequited love and yearning. The last line was quite romantic.
So now I'm wondering, what is the house? An orphanage? A large family? So many images and possibilites are bouncing in my brain.
I'm ready for more whenever you post.
Son't leave us hanging much longer in the eerie, Jason...
ReplyDeleteSo descriptive - made me feel the writing, if that makes any sense. Damn good. I hope you continue with this.
ReplyDeleteJason, I'm still riding and now leaning forward in my seat. (nit pick = transpo 'was/she', second paragraph).
ReplyDeleteMichele: I'm thinking she might be a prostitute. And, my mind isn't in the gutter with that thought.
Michele, much appreciated. Unrequited love and yearning...yes. I must be doing something right! :) The use of the house will be revealed shortly.
ReplyDeleteBernita, just so you know, I normally post something unrelated between each story piece to keep the content varied. I felt guilty, though, so I quickly wrote another section. That gets me some points, right??
Eve, glad you like my writing style! =D
Erik, a bit intrigued? Very cool! And please, please point out any typos you see (or any other comments you want to make). I just read over them after a while.
We create beauty and channel it into the most interesting human beings. Those beings become immortal, command our attention, and bring us to our knees with their presence.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, Jason. I had forgotten how my heart bled for my Braveheart early in our relationship.
"drew the twilight around herself" LOVE IT! And thank you for the non-willowy herione. As a woman built like an Amazon, it's much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteEvery moment, her intensity burned in his mind. It pained him as it fed him. And when she gazed up and sliced the world with her eyes, he bled.
ReplyDeleteJason I could feel his yearning for her!!
Oh, that was lovely, Jason. Poor Nathaniel has it bad.
ReplyDeletesometimes their laughter twinkled under emerging stars.
ReplyDeleteBut she drew the twilight around herself and commanded it
laughter-twinkled-twilight s serial semantics. Very sincere.
This is so good, it flows and I know you've worked hard. That is the secret of this trade. Thanks for everything.
Ann Marie
Mermaid, I was awestruck by your words. You know my wife and I can relate to many of your own posts. This sentiment too. It IS important to remember how our hearts bled.
ReplyDeleteSarah, thank you! There are so many forms of beauty. I try not to foreclose any of them.
BeadinggalinMS, a high compliment indeed! Yearning is a hard emotion to convey without going overboard.
Rene, he does indeed. :) Thanks!
Ann Marie, thank you! Sometimes my focus on the musicality of words borders on obsession. But when the words begin to sparkle, I feel a great sense of magic and creation.
'Musicality of words' - that's exactly what it is that draws me to read whatever you care to write. So, you've achieved what you set out to do.
ReplyDeleteThis is a powerful and evocative piece of writing.
Hmmm, interesting point, Erik I.J., however, I can't envision prostitutes "thundering down stairs." That paints a picture in my mind of youthful enthusiasm and playfullness, which is in contrast to the lady and her gentile but focused stillness. It is a sharp depiction in differences.
ReplyDeleteTruly, you still think "prostitute"?
Hmmmm...surely not the madame?
And when she gazed up and sliced the world with her eyes, he bled. What an excellent line! Just read both parts and as always, I'm eagerly anticipating more. From your description, I swear I can picture the scene myself.
ReplyDeleteYou've got me hooked, bud. Damn if you're not a fab writer.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait for the next installment!
ReplyDeleteJason, what a gift you have for hooking a reader and creating a mood! I felt the lovely yet eerie atmosphere. I felt the depth of this man's admiration for the girl. Your pacing is spot-on: each word builds upon the previous one in creating an air of suspense.
And this line: "But she drew the twilight around herself and commanded it." Powerful. Descriptive. Original.
Looking forward to Part Three!
I love the serial format- you're like an on line Charles Dickons. More
ReplyDeleteTerri, very glad this style is appreciated. Thank you for the wonderful compliment!
ReplyDeleteMichele, you're close. =D
Livewire, when I'm writing, I want so much to pull the world down around the reader like a living curtain. Thanks for letting me know you felt it.
Tanya, much appreciated! =D
Cate, such wonderful comments! :) I'm glad you're along with me.
Eileen, whoa! *bowing low in appreciation* Such a high compliment! (Do you like the serial format? I like looking foward to the sections, but I know having to wait can also be disorienting and potentially annoying).
you have such skill at setting the mood with a few perfect words.
ReplyDeleteparanormal romance is really hot right now.
i'm just sayin'....
Very nice setting and tone, Jason! Great job!
ReplyDeleteAnne, first of all, thank you kindly. =D Paranormal romance? Tempting Anne. Tempting indeed. What holds me back the most is that I don't know the "rules." I'm sure I could ask though....
ReplyDeleteKelly, much appreciated! =D