Sunday, August 27, 2006

Entry #62

The Tree Doesn’t Fall Far From the Apple
by Stephen Allan

Ma, look at the clouds.


Are you deaf? The clouds.

Oh, yeah, what about ‘em?

They look weird with that moon.

You called me out for this?

Ain’t it pretty?

It’s okay.

Just okay?

They’re other things on my mind.

I met Angie on a night like this.

Christ. We’re going to get into this now?

What’s your problem?

We need to finish before sunrise.

We got time.

Says you.

Her eyes were so beautiful.

You’re like your goddamn father.

Ain’t like that piece of garbage.

Says you.

I kissed her that night.

Jesus, you’re an idiot. Are you forgetting what they did to us?


Well, give me a hand. She’s not the lightest whore.

You shouldn’t call your son an idiot.


You called me an idiot.

Well, you’re an idiot to get mixed up with this hussy.

You married Dad.

I didn’t say I haven’t made mistakes.

I’ll say.

You got blood on that shirt. Take it off and wrap it in the plastic with your father.

You think this is Dad’s?

The shirt?

No, the blood.

Who knows? We messed them up pretty good.

I wish we hadn’t.

You’re the one started this. You’re the one with the knife.

I only stuck Dad. You’re the one that went after Angie.

That couldn’t be helped. The slut deserved every cut.

Well, I wish we hadn’t done it is all.

Never mind. Just put the bodies in the trunk and go inside. Momma’ll make you some pancakes.

[Stephen Allan lives in Maine. You can read his random thoughts at Noir Writer.]


Scott said...

Sweet mama! Great dialog, and lot's of ground covered.

Susan said...

Love it, Stephen! It's so nice when a mother and son can do things together :-)

Joni said...

Love your title, for one thing. I really like the setup of this. Great dialogue. Super job.

briliantdonkey said...

Nice Job stephen.

Good dialogue, and awesome title. Thanks


Anonymous said...

And they say families don't communicate anymore...

(I loved the "you called me an idiot" bit of banter.)

Anonymous said...

I liked the 'idiot' banter, as well. Good dialogue, good story!

Anonymous said...

It warms my heart to see a mother and son doing something together. Who said that the family unit is dyeing. Well written

anne frasier said...


that was fantastic, stephen!! i smiled the entire time. went back and read it again. smiled the entire time.
not one single word of narrative. very, very nice.


Anonymous said...

*All dialogue* stories are hard to do well, but you have succeeded. Congratulations on a story well done. (I liked the bit about the blood on the shirt.)

Marcail said...

I figured Angie and the Dad had gotten a little too cosy, but I loved how you bonded mother and son. Nice noir piece.

Chemical Billy said...

Oh, I gotta clap for this one!

Bhaswati said...

This flowed brilliantly. Definitely attention grabbing. The two characters come alive so well. Good one!

AngelConradie said...

bucking frilliant!
my highest accolade!

Bernita said...

A family that slays together...

A really, really good job and ALL in dialogue!

Steve Allan said...

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the kind words. I'm glad y'all liked the piece.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on a well-deserved win!

briliantdonkey said...

excellent story, congrats on the results. well deserved


Anonymous said...

Way to go on third place!

Anonymous said...

What a genius use of dialog! It also reminds me of Stphen King who said you shouldn't need dialog attributions because the voice of the character should shine through. I also liked how it started light, then the horror crept in. Highest marks overall.

Congratulations on Third place!