Saturday, July 28, 2007

Entry #22

by Christine Eldin (takoda)


This way.

He’ll find us.

Be quiet and hide.

Is it really worth it?

Hell, yes. Five hundred bucks.

I’ve never stolen Indian stuff before.

Don’t be chicken-shit. This money’s ours.

We’re messing with sacred lands. There’s voodoo here.

Voodoo? Curses? You mean old man Huyanna’s freak talk?

It’s not freak talk. Huyanna says when you die, your spirit becomes a bird or a cloud. You can go anywhere and see everything. But if you make too many mistakes on purpose, you get turned into a tree. Stuck in one place…forever. Let’s put his money back. Before it’s too late.

Easy for you to say. You don’t have to wear hand-me-downs from your brother. Or buy two dollar pants from the Salvation Army. Or eat stupid cheese sandwiches all the time. Once a month, Dad comes home with a block of government cheese. Joey thinks it’s funny, having cheese that big. Dad puts it on the table. Joey climbs up on a chair and bites into it. A bunch of times, so even if you wanna slice it, there’s no clean spot.

You’ll be fourteen next year. Old enough to work.

That’s a forever time away. I’m hungry now.

Okay. Then we’ll find jobs now. Today.

Like what? Can we make money?

Yeah. Lots. Without any stealing.

Help me return this?

How about here?

Looks good.



Hoodie said...

What a wonderfully aesthetic piece. I love not only the growing and shrinking effect visually but the way the lines parallel the story. I'm glad they changed their minds!

SzélsőFa said...

young rascals with consciousness - I liked this one. I also liked the spatial distribution. Perhaps it reflects to where the characters really stand.

Word said...

Hey Takoda,

Great piece! Visually reflecting climbing a tree - and then coming down into the light with a hopeful message! Very very very creative!



Anthony Rapino said...

Very cool structure at the top and bottom.

Anonymous said...

Interesting construction in every sense. Nicely done

Chris Eldin said...

Thanks so much for the kind words! I really struggled writing this one. I wanted it to look exactly the way Word described it--to reflect the tree in a visual way. And Jason's picture said 'Hope' to me, so I wanted it to have a happy ending. But the dialogue came out stilted and contrived. Oh well...

When's the next contest?

Jaye Wells said...

It's difficult to tell a story only through dialogue, especially without tags. Add to that the constraints of fitting the aesthetic format you've chosen and it's even harder. I think you did it quite well, all things considered.

Beth said...

I have to say "ditto" to Jaye Wells' above.

Jude said...

Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

i say this is one of the best here!

Unknown said...

Awesome, beautiful story!

Jeff said...

I also like the visual effect of the writing, and it's a good story.

wrath999 said...

Very creative and great read

Chris Eldin said...

Thanks! This was really fun. I'm enjoying reading all of them, especially some of the darker ones since I don't write like that.


Unknown said...

Good read, remarkable construction, great story-telling through dialogue.

Anonymous said...

Nice job Christine - almost poetic in the way the reader walks through the story with these modicums of dialog.

Khon Lao said...

Very intriguing piece.

Anthony Rapino said...

After you commented on my story, I was trying to find your's to reciprocate. And I couldn't find a story by "Takoda."

I finally figured it out (went to your web site) only to find I already commented! :-)

But, I'll echo, loved this one.

Pearl said...

Interesting structure in plot and on page.

Bernita said...

Interesting form.
Well done, Takoda.

Sarah Hina said...

Adored your ingenuity here. It's so refreshing to read a story where the writer is thinking about construction, too. Beautiful job!

Anonymous said...

Really great detail and character elements. Very rich and imaginative.

High marks! A contender.