Thursday, July 26, 2007

Entry #5

Entry #5
by Yvonne Heidt

Sweat runs down between her shoulder blades to pool at the small of her back.

“Almost there!” She says under her breath. Although, she isn’t talking to anyone in particular.

Steps are muffled by several layers of autumn seasons crushed beneath her feet. Fallen logs, sharp branches and stickers pull at her in an attempt to keep her back. Intermittent yips and growls shoot through the canopy of trees. Limbs seem to snap and trip her. She walks on.

She thought of all she had walked through in her time. Decades of living in the dark had left her empty. The demon of addiction had robbed her of a good life, barren of joy. Full of despair, shame and guilt. Living with dereliction and death approaching; she battled the odds to come here.

The road out of Hell is long, twisted and torturous. But, she fought. Oh, how she fought!

Tears stream from her eyes, drawing rivulets through the dirt covering her face. Her hair lifts in a gentle breeze. Peace settles in her chest. A genuine smile splits through the pain. She holds her hands to heaven.

Sunlight poured from the sky. Piercing the canopy with warm rays that shot to the earth. A single butterfly floated in graceful circles in the halo of light. A solitary tree in the center of the circle was lit from within, blazing with impossible shades of green. It was here. She knew she could find it.



Hoodie said...

Some very beautiful description here. I very much like the epic journey feel.

Watch your tense changes. I got a little confused.

Organic and beautiful. Nice job

Anonymous said...

I love the tie in with the title. You have a knack for describing struggle without whining about it.

SzélsőFa said...

Salvation comes at last - I liked that.

Anonymous said...

hmm, my earlie comments didn't get posted for some reason. Probably I didn't get the word verification right. I get cross eyed trying to read those things. I'll try again. Basically, I like the story. I agree about the change in tenses. I liked the sense of the universal

Victor J. Banis

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your input!

I keep re-reading this to find the tense problem.

She's walking.
She's reflecting.
She arrives.

Am I doing something wrong? I can't seem to find the problem.

Thanks again! :)

Hoodie said...

Moving from "She walks on" to "she thought," then from "she holds her hands to heaven" to "sunlight poured," just tripped me up a little.

But those are minor. Overall this was very well crafted.

Anonymous said...

Got it! Thank you. And it's too late to change it! :(

Anthony Rapino said...

nice story. Mysterious and a bit haunting.

Unknown said...

Good use of the senses. You put the reader at her side on her quest. Still, there's a feeling that she's going to be disappointed. A well written, sad read.

Jeff said...

Good description with emotional impact.

AngelConradie said...

FABULOUS imagery!

Unknown said...

Great imagery and good voice. Nice handling of emotional striving. Well done!

Anonymous said...

I really feel the journey on this one!

Anonymous said...

Interesting blend of figurative and literal

Anonymous said...

I liked this idea. Very metaphysical. The end was vivid and effective.