Thursday, July 26, 2007

Entry #7

by A. H. Caffrey

“Where’s Travis?” Josh was hot and annoyed. His fiery red hair stuck in clumps to his dirty, freckled forehead.

From the restless crowd, a girl said, “He’s with his dad… the beach, maybe?”

Josh nodded. “Yeah, that’s right. I forgot. So we’re all here.” At ten, he was the oldest kid in the neighborhood and leader by default. He spat a gnat onto what looked like poison ivy.

“You already know why we’re meeting,” he announced to his comrades who ranged in ages from four to nine. They stood respectfully quiet except for the occasional giggle.

“The adults aren’t doing their jobs.”

Lips murmured in agreement.

Josh scratched the raised scar on his neck.

“They forget to share. They always interrupt. They lie. They don’t play fair. It’s rude and disgusting.”

An eight-year-old boy who perpetually smelled like cigarette smoke snickered, “And I think I saw my mom running with scissors, too!” Titters rose above the thorny bushes. A robin fled her perch.

Josh scowled. “This isn’t funny, Dennis. It’s damn serious.”

The heavy silence returned at the utterance of a curse word.

“But what can we do about it?” Jessica always whined. She annoyed Josh, but he liked the way her flower-scented curls tickled his nose when he stood behind her in the lunch line.

“We have to take over.” Josh paused.

One second. Two.

Something scampered through the underbrush and was smashed by a kindergartener’s pink sandal.

Blood oozed.

No one moved.

“It’s time.”


Jaye Wells said...

I like this. I could picture it so clearly and it made me laugh. Lord help us if they ever revolt.

Anonymous said...

Very chilling - Lord of the Flies stuff. If you were one of my students I'd suggest you think of expanding this a bit...

Victor J. Banis

SzélsőFa said...

I was thinking about the Lord of the Flies, too.

Chris Eldin said...

How did MY kids get in your story?

LOL-Mom running with the scissors!
Flowed very nicely!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This is great, and captures childhood so well, as in "damn" being a curse word to respect. Nice details, presented factually, and no one could argue with the premise: The adults are NOT doing their jobs.

A lovely story.

Word said...

Oh - liked this too! I thought of "Children of the Corn" when I read this.

And yes - this has the makings of a powerful novel....not that I'd let my kids read it....wouldn't want to give them any ideas!

Anthony Rapino said...

This reminded me of something, maybe the previous mentions of Lord of the Flies, or Children of the Corn.

I like it.

Beth said...

I thought of "Children of the Corn" as always. That movie scared the living daylights out of me. This is very weighty for the constraint. Well done with the descriptions. Would make a terrific novel.

Jeff said...

"Out of the mouths of babes . . ." Good job.

Anonymous said...

ahh...the evil's beginning to take root in someone so young.

the scary thing is i see this in my real world out there.

nicely done!

Anonymous said...

This is awesome. I guess there's more to be afraid of in the woods than I thought.

Unknown said...

Ooh, chilling and disturbing - If I go out in the woods, I'll be sure to take a big net to catch those small people... :-) Very well done!

AngelConradie said...


Unknown said...

Ooh you've really captured those children well. Glad you had so much fun writing this, it's a good piece. I love that last line.

Sarah Hina said...

Really well paced. You threw in a good mix of powerful and small details, which is appropriate since kids don't make distinctions between them. I'm definitely scared.

Great work!

AngelConradie said...

one of my favourites and i didn't comment! i love the imagery!

Anonymous said...

This is awesome - loads of fun. :)

Anonymous said...

This took one of my votes. Loved the description of the children more than all else. Just wanted you to know!

Khon Lao said...

That's quite...unsettling

The Quoibler said...

Thanks so much, everyone.

I haven't written fiction in several years, and it felt so darn good to test the waters again.

I really appreciate all the feedback--it's fabulous to feel instant support and understanding from other writers. And everyone else's pieces are so amazing... it was tough to pick just five!

I look forward to dropping by your blogs... I just haven't had the time! Hopefully, it will happen this week.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your win. I really would like to see this expanded

Anonymous said...

Wanted to drop by with my blog link ... plus with a congratulations. I'm #37.

Anonymous said...

Josh's earnestness was especially effective. I think he'll get the job done.

Congratulations on 2nd Runner-Up, Readers' Choice Award!!