silence planetary
like dark matter moons
broken from orbit
drifting
i forget you're there behind me
you know I could sleep?
but the blackness
can be a wall
you walk into
or cold steel jolts
into the back of my head
knocks supernovas pistol whipped
waiting
please pull the trigger
please
even if it clicks
I can wet myself
possibly with blood
but the bullet
fancies itself
whole
I beg
with the gun
squeezing my lungs
fluids drip
in shivering pools
bitter cold
i remember you're there behind me
13 comments:
Poignant, and strong, and harshly beautiful.
'...the bullet fancies itself whole' has compelling menace.
That reading left me slightly disturbed, but I am not quite sure why.
I bet that's what you were going for.
Enjoy is the wrong word to use here. I think Julie was right in using the word 'compelling'.
i use the phrase "beautifully addictive". the image and the words are embedded in my mind. one of your best, Jason!
A chilling bit of menace for a cold winter day. Nice job, Jason.
Disturbing. Like I'm floating and feel something menacing just out of reach.
I don't entirely get this one, but the emotion is strong. I will read it a few more times.
Jason, this required several readings, and was confusing for me at first. But the fractured feel of the poem, though difficult, really reflected the scattered nature of this character's elevated terror.
Initially, I felt like I was walking into that wall. But then the door opened. Very compelling, indeed.
I'd say that is was disturbing, too. I am still unsure about who's the hunted and wether there are more than one creatures involved. It evoked bitterness and sorry within me.
I found it very disturbing. Why do you write such dark material?
Vesper, thanks. :) This one was therapeutic.
Julie, that line goes with the theme of the threat of attack, rather than actual attack.
Kaycie, yes, you did get what I intended. This poem is about the emotional experience of anxiety. I chose the abstract format as an effort to deliver the emotion unfiltered.
C.S., thanks! This poem was about venting some of the negative energy I was feeling at that moment. Releasing it felt good.
Jaye, I'm glad that the menace came across.
Church Lady, you seem to have had the emotion I was trying to evoke. The poem is about anxiety. The kind that you can forget about until once again it jumps you from behind.
Sarah, I really like abstract, free form poetry for certain purposes. Here, it was to deliver raw emotion. I forget sometimes how many people really don't like this form. It's the polar opposite of literal reading. It's almost like reacting to an inkblot test (forgive me, I can't spell the test's real name this late in the night, LOL.) Free association, but with words.
Szelsofa, I can see how a literal meaning can seem like it's hiding in the words. The emotion itself was the point, so overall, I'm happy with the result.
Anti-Wife, I'm not sure if you're referring to other pieces along with this one. I like to explore a wide range of human experiences here. This one was personally therapeutic. I was ripping the emotion of anxiety out of the darkness and slapping it down on the page. It felt good take control of something that tends to dance out of reach. If nothing else, this blog is about pushing in new directions and keeping the journey fresh. So in that spirit, some posts will poke around in the dark.
Jason, late note, but Jane Holland over at Raw Light is about to post poetry exercise(s) over the weekend.
Don't know if she looks in here, but she is the Warwick poet laureate and a good photographer.
http://rawlightblog.blogspot.com/
This was definitely interesting. Gave me a slight chill and raised some goosebumps, less because of the words and more because of the way it seemed to speed up in the middle and race towards the end. It might have been just my reading of it that made it seem that way, but it was very effective in leaving me uneasy.
Julie, I'll hop over to check it out. Thanks for the heads up!
Ello, very cool. :) I'm glad it had that build for you.
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