When, Then, Again

Let's say you've toiled on your writing, and finally you've conquered showing versus telling.

You've learned to describe objectively observable actions. You've stopped narrating and forcing your interpretations rather than let the reader make his or her own discoveries.

Congratulations! Showing versus telling is hard to nail down.

But check out this passage. It's got lots of action. However, there are a couple of subtle telling ghosts haunting it.

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Cedric ducked.

The swinging sword sparked on the stone over his head. Metal sang like a battle cry.

He pounded his shield in the soldier's body. Threw him back.

When the man's foot missed the top stair, he clattered down, sword sailing and feet pitching skyward.

Then, the enemy line charged. He turned to the archers behind him.

"Retreat!" he screamed.

A black arrow pierced his shoulder and pinned him to the wall.

"Retreat!" he screamed again.
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When. Then. Again. Little telling sprites that can still infiltrate my writing. What's the problem, you ask? Let's look at their usage above.

1. "When the man's foot missed the top stair...."

By using when, I'm communicating cause and effect and a sequence in time. The verb missed influences the verb clattered. But do we need it? The order of words already infers cause and effect. In the rewrite, after cutting when, I'd probably even try to split the sentence up: "The man's foot missed the top stair. He clattered down. Sword sailing, feet pitching skyward." The pause created by breaks is almost like that hanging breath just before the fall. Also, shorter sentences convey speed, and this is a fast scene.

2. "Then, the enemy line charged...."

Here, we have a similar communication, except here the prior action itself (clattered) is not contained in the sentence. Then simply reinforces the sequence. Again, not necessary. In fact, little insertions like this often feel like encroachments by the writer. Unless you're writing in first person, you don't want to remind the reader that you're there. No one likes someone talking to them during a movie, after all.

3. "...he screamed again."

Hmmm. So he's doing it again. Pretty obvious when you think about it. He already said it twice. Probably don't need to clobber the reader over the head. They get it. Really.

All this being said, I don't believe in "rules," so I'm not claiming that using when, then, or again means you flunk. It's just something to think about. There truly are characteristics which make writing strong, and other characteristics which make it weak. Weak writing removes the reader from the action, bogs down the experience, and forces the reader to work for the story. When, then, and again are often this sort of baggage. They're subtle. Often passable. But perhaps by rethinking their usage here and there, you'll be able to sharpen your writing that much more.