Sunday, January 11, 2009

Entry #47

Mind the Gap
by Hilary Robertshaw

In the space between trains it is as if no one else exists. My world is you, your arms, your body pressed so closely against mine. You whisper words in my ear that I never thought I’d hear, you love me, adore me, want me and all the while I long for you to kiss me to make the words true.

You pull away to look into my face, your eyes imploring.

“I believe you,” I say remembering the perfection of the day but knowing what is coming next.

Your fingers brush my face. “I have to go.”


“I mean every word.”

“So don’t leave me.”

“You know I have to. We’ll have more time soon.”

The real world is back. Hundreds of people rushing passed; tube trains
screeching into the platforms: announcers calling out destinations and safety warnings.

I have to look away to hide what I’m really thinking.

“You ok?” Concern in your voice.

“I’m fine.”

You make me look at you then kiss me hard, your hands in my hair.

“I must go, I’ll be missed.”

I clutch at your jacket but you shake me loose, then turn away and almost run towards the escalator. Climbing higher, the gap between us widens until you disappear into the crowd.

I raise my hand in a sad salute, and smile bravely at the floor.


Lena said...

love the way you captured emotions with few details.
Well done :)

Anonymous said...

nicely written...i could visualize evrything!

JaneyV said...

As long as he's close she believes him but as the gap widens her faith leaves her too. I think you've achieved a lot with these few words. This piece is so emotionally charged. Very well done.

Sameera Ansari said...

Lovely!The passion,the pain and the longing have been portrayed so beautifully :)

JR's Thumbprints said...

Great job showing the separation they will endure. So where was he going?

laughingwolf said...

good one, hilary... leaves no doubt as to why he left....

Sarah Hina said...

I wonder who's missing him. But I think I know.

Very emotionally charged. Her stability feels as fragile, and fleeting, as a kiss. I really liked how you worked in the trains and gap, too. With the world pulsing around her, she seems to be standing still.

Touching and complex interpretation, Hilary. Good work.

Esther Avila said...

powerful emotions. I liked this. And, actually, I can make a few scenarios out of this. I'm not totally sure which it is but that's ok - it works with the several that come to mind and that's good.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Parting IS such sweet sorrow....I enjoyed this.

BernardL said...

An affair to remember... I hope. :)

wrath999 said...

Powerful emotions here. Excellent

Rachel Green said...

How sad.

Lovely piece :)

Catherine Vibert said...

Beautifully written. I got the feeling from her salute that he was going off to battle somewhere.

Anonymous said...

I liked this even better on the second read. Well done.

bluesugarpoet said...

"...make the words true..." - a tinge of reality mixed with the longing. Ouch - and what a reality that is. Being the "other woman" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Still, there are other valid readings of this that work too... Nicely done!


Obscure Optimist said...

The last few lines of one of my favorite rhymes go like this :

....and time cannot be halted in its swift and endless flight..
parting is sure to follow meeting as day comes after night...

Nicely written. The detailing of the emotions was really good.. :)

Anonymous said...

Great job with pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and pacing! And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.

Hilary said...

Thank you all for your very generous comments. I haven't written anything for a while so this is a great kick start especially as I made it to the Forties Club!