Monday, January 11, 2010

Entry #133

Raptors 1, Hoyt 0
by Laurel Montgomery

Boyd’s fingers looked positively cyanotic. His sigh rose silver and disappeared against the sheet metal sky. Deer hunting sucked. Nothing to do but sit in the cold and wait.

“Want a pull? Warm you up,” Hoyt said. Beefy fingers held out the pretentious sterling flask.

“No, thanks. Might have to pee.”

“Smart, kid. Don’t worry about scaring the deer off, though. I got a jug up in here.”

Boyd eyed the old milk jug. No way he was sticking his pecker in that thing. Hell, there was no way he was whipping it out. Instant dicksickle.

“’s light out. I reckon we give it another twenty minutes. Maggie’ll be disappointed.”

Maggie hates venison.

“Yeah. Maybe next time.” Boyd kept his own counsel with his future father-in-law.

“Hot damn!”

Hell. “Where?”

“Up there! I got the mate a couple weeks ago. Damn sumbitches got all my call birds before quail season even started.”

“I think there’s a pretty big fine for shooting raptors.”

Thunder shook the blind and the hawk sheered left. Hoyt couldn’t hit the broad side of the barn that drunk and hawks are a hell of a lot smaller than deer.

“I’m too old and too rich to let some tree huggin’ fed tell me how to manage my own damn land.”

The hawk circled back while Hoyt reloaded. The hawk shot first.

“What the hell?” Hoyt’s hand smeared the gooey brown mess from his pate into the fringe hair tufted over his ear.

“Least bird shit’s warm.”


Anonymous said...

"Hawk shot first..." Nice to see that the glass is half-full. --JR

Bernita said...

No wonder Maggie hates venison...
This is well done.Excellent characterization and matching dialogue.

Anonymous said...

Love that last line. I knew there was a reason I don't hunt.

Well done Laurel.


Unknown said...

Haha... right on. Great characterization of these two in such a short space. I feel like I really know the sort of people I'm dealing with here :)

Merry Monteleone said...

The characters are great - you did an awesome job with their voices. And if you were trying to make me cringe at the end, nice job.

adrienne trafford said...

serves him right! - you definitely had me rooting for the hawk - and this imagery "His sigh rose silver and disappeared against the sheet metal sky" is really beautiful.

Anthony Rapino said...

Funny stuff. I really dug this one. Nice work.

Craig said...

lol, genuinely funny.

Aniket Thakkar said...

So there you are?

You know I was keeping score at the beginning Aniket - 10 Laurel - 0 after the first lot was posted. Guess you were away. But Bernita has been kicking my arsce so bad ever since that I had to give up on the race.

I honestly don't know what comes first. A post or Bernita's comment on it. :D
A very smart lady, she is too and her comments are always insightful.

But its not the same without the fun of beating you fair and square. So catch up. :D

ROFL at Hawk. He sure is too fast, too furious. ;)

I enjoyed this in number of levels. With the great choice of words to the pacing to the brilliant character built-up. Nothing seems out of place.

Loved it out-and-out. Smart and funny, without overdoing it. Just the way I like. :D

Aniket Thakkar said...

Oh and ignore if there are typo errors on my comment. Unlike some blessed people like you, us normal people feel sleepy. :D

I can see one ? instead of a !... :P

Tessa said...

Absolutely stellar! Loved it on so many levels...not least the shitty comeuppance. Brilliant.

kashers said...

Nature's justice, eh? I suspect though Boyd is going to ultimately feel he's the one who'll be shat on from a great height if he marries into this 'hoyty-toity' family.

Laurel said...

JR: LOL! Just a bit of poetic justice that men like Hoyt meet all too infrequently.

Bernita: I envision Hoyt as the sort of fellow who assumes everyone likes the same things he does with a family who has never bothered to explain to him that this isn't exactly true. Plus, Maggie hates cleaning the birds and game he brings home. Too close to the sausage making for her taste.

Paul: Glad you liked the last line. It was the first thing I came up with and I had to build the rest around it.

maybe genius: I'm not sure if I'm glad or sorry you might know someone like Hoyt!

Merry: Tkx! Yeah, cringeworthy moment, there.

Adrienne: Thanks! I liked that line, too. Boyd's got a poet streak. I envision him in law school.

onipar and Craig: Glad you got a chuckle! I was anticipating lots of shifters and darkness in this contest so I thought we might need something to lighten the mood.

Aniket: Thanks! As a world grand champion dialogue master that means a lot. I got off to a late start since I struggled with inspiration on this one. I kept gravitating toward shifter and really didn't want to do that and I didn't want to read any entries until I got mine done. So now my eyeballs are grainy and I'm working on carpal tunnel trying to catch up. 100 yesterday and I am on schedule to get to the top of the queue sometime midday. Ditto on Bernita. Insightful, that one.

Tessa: Thanks!

kashers: hoyty-toity. OMG. Snortworthy.

laughingwolf said...

oy laurel, nicely done ;) lol

Deb S said...

Love the voice. And the ending.

Blodeuedd said...

Lol, loving that last line. Very memorable :D

DILLIGAF said...

Really well written. I didn't like Hoyt from the word go and laughed out loud at his commeuppance!

Great stuff!

Laurel said...

LW, Deb S, Blodeuedd, and Four Dinners: Glad you enjoyed Hoyt's "birdbath!"

lena said...

I so loved this one, Seriously with all the dark stuff in the contest something like this should have been written to make us smile.
Loved the ending especially.

TL said...

I'm with Lena!

Fantastic dialogue, great characters and made me laugh out loud. More than once. What's not to like?

You've just knocked someone off my list ;)

PJD said...

People have told me that I'm remarkably good at writing female characters, and they marvel because, of course... wait for it... I'm not female.

I was going to ask, "When were you a future son-in-law," but I realized you've never been one. You're just a damned good writer. You abso-floggin'-lutely nailed the son-in-law.

This is definitely in my top five.

Meghan said...

I love the ending and how the hawk shot first. Great job!

Liz said...

Go Hawk! I liked that twist. Hopefully, Maggie sent them out with some Baby Wipes (to clean the poop). Hee hee.

Laurel said...

Lena, Tara, and Meghan: Thanks!

Pete: I abso-floggin-lutely did NOT nail the son-in-law. I've been nailing no one but that boy I married, thank you very much!

Seriously, thanks so much. I've been working hard on voice in general and your high praise has left me all glowy. :)

Chris Eldin said...

Awesome! Really, really awesome characterization and dialogue! I know these people. Grew up with them. You captured their voices and motives perfectly. I love your ending. And I loved feeling angry, then quickly the feeling switches to levity and humor. Very well done!!!! Loved this one a lot!

catvibe said...

hahahaha! Loved this Laurel. You really did get these characters voices extremely well. I won't say nailed because I don't want to get in trouble. Oh, and I learned a new word, thank you! I'll be you know which one too. Really, your writing is excellent. I still remember the Poe story from the last contest too, so I'm enjoying comparing this to that. Both very different, both excellently written.

Kartik said...

Haha I'm so enjoying the badass story, the badass characterization and the badass comments!
Superb! :D

Laurel said...

Liz, Chris, Catvibe, and Kartik:


And Cat, I bet I know exactly which word it was. The one commonly associated with shrinkage. Heehee.

Anonymous said...

I loved this! I especially enjoyed the detailed characterization. Excellent ending!

J. Randick

Karen said...

Laurel, I have to agree with what everyone has said (the hazards of coming late to the game). I think dialogue is the hardest thing to do well, and you did it extremely well. The personality of each character and the relationship between them is amazingly developed for such a short piece. To that, add a huge hurrah of an ending, and I'd say you have a winner!

peter davidson said...

cool and effective dialogue and a great ending! Loved it.

Louise said...

Hi Laurel,
LOL! I just loved this story. Am so glad Hoyt got it on the head!!!
Your first paragraph is wonderful. Love the imagery. (-:

McKoala said...

'dicksickle' bwahahahahahah!

Great dialogue and situation, the awkwardness of the whole thing. And witty too! This one is a really nice read.

Stephanie Green said...

Truly funny on account of such real characters. A total collision of worlds- loved it!

raine said...

Oh this is very good, lol.
Excellent characterization, good read.
Wtg Hawk!

Unknown said...

Ha! Perfect story since hunting season just ended a few weeks ago. I can just imagine this happening.

Great story, great characters, awesome ending!

Laurel said...

J. Randik: Thanks!

Karen: Wow. I appreciate that. I've been working hard on dialogue and voice so that makes me feel like it's paying off!

Peter: Yay! Glad you enjoyed.

Louise: Thanks. That first paragraph is closer to what I usually write. I'm all for scenery and imagery. but I'm working on funneling more of my story into dialogue so it sounds like, for you, I hit the happy medium.

McK: Absolutely my favorite word in the write-up. No holds barred. Thanks!

Stephanie: Thanks! Yeah, Boyd thinks deer hunting is stupid. Hoyt thinks it's awesome. You get to get drunk and shoot things without all the pesky trouble of finding or tracking them.

Raine: Good to see you! Thanks. Hawks are smart and very resourceful.:)

Janel: Glad this evoked a scene you can see!

JaneyV said...

Laurel this is just so brilliant. I love their voices. Boyd's commentary is wry and perfectly balances the idiocy of the arrogant Hoyt. I love the language of this too - from the slapstick humour of dicksickle to the beauty of the description of Boyd's freezing breath

His sigh rose silver and disappeared against the sheet metal sky.

The payoff line at the end was nothing short of perfection.


(word verification is spoons - a complete and perfect word where there is normally nonsense. Plus I like spooning!)

Sarah Laurenson said...



Hawk shot first - indeed.

What great characters and I love how you draw them through dialogue - both internal and with each other.

Aimee Laine said...

Too funny! So many quirky comments that completely put one in the moment! I could see it all and yeah for the bird! :)

Rabid Fox said...

Of the possible phrases I could have imagined coming across in this contest, "Instant dicksickle" did not rank high. :) A very humorous entry.

Anonymous said...

Ha! The bird got a leg up, huh? :)

Excellent use of voice within this piece - as well as ironic justice. I'm applauding that bird!

Best of luck ~
Corra McFeydon

Anonymous said...

my caveat

Something I Would Keep

"Thunder shook the blind and the hawk sheered left" I know you like imagery & setting, Laurel, so to condense it this way was like getting Concentrated Laurel (new & improved!) - it was great.

Something I Might Tweak

I read the line "hawks are a hell of a lot smaller than deer" as "hawks are a hell of a lot smarter than deer" so that's what I'm offering as a tweak. :)

Laurel said...

I remember being very impressed with your entry and comments last CoN. Again, your insights on the entries in this CoN are a pleasure to read. I am thrilled to earn such high praise.

Sarah, Aimee, Rabid Fox, and Corra: I'm so glad you were amused. I love to make people laugh.

Aerin: I think your caveat is sheer genius. Thanks for applying your genious to my benefit :)_