Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Entry #176

Spread Your Wings
by Aizaz

“Today is the last day of my chained life. It’s been a year I relished a good night sleep - completely in peace not thinking about her. The world’s worries meant nothing to me when compared to her. When it gets to you, do you have a choice?” I wrote in my diary.

The phone rang with the same dreariness as it has been for years. That everlasting ring continued. I would have ignored it with the same monotony as I normally do but not this time.

“It not even dawn. You promised!”

“Do I have choice?” I complained. I learnt that life is one fast lane when you don’t have choices.

After we were tired of walking in the woods, lying on our backs we watched the birds, the clear sky, the mesh formed by the leaves and branches that blocked our view while she talked.

“This sight reminds me of the gloomy sketch of the depressed bird you gifted me, do you remember?”

“Yah, a free bird flying lonely for some and just a dark silhouette for others, I miss that life now.” I snapped.

“Crap. Last three years have been exceptional because of you, my psycho”

“I need to break free, why can’t you notice?”

“Love is all around us, now stop whining” she kissed me for the last time.

“When you spread your wings too much” I said pulling the trigger “you get hurt”. The bird was free, my love was free and so was I.


Laurel said...

Oh, wow. I did not see the homocidal tendencies coming. Shocking!

Aniket Thakkar said...

It took me by surprise too. I thought someone was going to get dumped. Oh, but someone did. :) Nicely done.

Bernita said...

Shouldn't it have been "she kissed me for the last time"? POV switches confuse the reader.
"Yah, a free bird flying lonely for some and just a dark silhouette for others,"...is a great line.

catvibe said...

I was a little confused until I read it twice and saw you switched to a different scene. It would be easier if you put a line or something in between sections, to separate them. In the first section. Also, I think you meant to say, she kissed 'me' for the last time? It's a bit confusing there. An interesting story tho, nice twist there at the end. Didn't know that was coming.

catvibe said...

Oops, speaking of editing, I need to strike my sentence 'in the first section' from this comment. :-)

Anonymous said...

thanks for your comments and valuable feedback. hope to get more inputs from others too. i started reading other entries just today and some of them are real good. Now that i started writing, i hope some day i can write like some of you :)

Bernita & catvibe
Thanks for pointing out the mistake, got it corrected.

laughingwolf said...

ok... i'm confused, too

Preeti said...

whoa... what was that?

I guess when one snaps...one truly snaps all the way. this is one of those stories where there is an inherent insanity that lies dormant and suddenly strikes when one is not aware...


lena said...

It took me by surprise too, good work on twist. Though the story itself is a little bit confusing after the first read. Got to take it for the second time.

Deb Smythe said...

Psycho indeed! I always like a twist ending.

Watch the punctuation on your quote tags. You omitted some commas and used a period on the below sentence instead of a comma.
"...life now.” I snapped.

PJD said...

I'm not entirely sure I really get the buildup to the killing. My impression was that this was a murder-suicide, or perhaps a dual suicide. Was it simply a murder? Is he that cold and selfish? I guess I don't see why he's leading a chained life. There are more civil ways to break up with a girlfriend.

Craig said...

I liked the subtle buildup.

Anonymous said...

laurel & aniket
thank you guys for your comments. can't believe i missed replying to you guys earlier.

ya others too were confused, may be i did not reach all audiences. if you can let me know which part confused you :) i can explain may be...

thanks preeti. appreciate your comments. and i agree, when one truly snaps the consequences can only be dangerous.

thanks lena for your words.

Deb Smythe
thank you deb smythe, will take care of the punctuations from hereon.

:) thanks.

pjd and everyone
i totally understand your pov here. and to certain extent i wanted some ambiguity to remain with the reader as far as the ending is concerned. obviously looks like i did not achieve that impact in this attempt. yes he is cold and selfish, a psychopath for sure. i wanted my readers to think of three possibilities (in that order)
# suicide
# murder
# 'pulling trigger' as metaphor for 'pulling off from the relationship' the civil way.

i did not leave any hint for the third option in the story, my bad. however i was curious to know how many considered it as a murder and how many as suicide.

i know i can do better, thanks for all your comments and feedback

Kartik said...

Yeah I saw it as at least a murder.

JaneyV said...

The way I read it she wouldn't let him go so he killed her.

Loved the melodrama.

James R. Tomlinson said...

I'm not buying into the "my psycho" part. The tone doesn't quite fit the dialogue; something's amiss.

Anonymous said...

my caveat

Something I Would Keep

There's a jarred abruptness that conveys this guy's mental state better than anything he overtly says.

Something I Might Tweak

He was such a pain when talking to her, I didn't know why she hadn't left him

Chris Eldin said...

I saw this as a murder. Nice twist at the end.

Anonymous said...

Kartik, Janey, James, Aerin & Chris
Thanks to all of you for going through my entry and your comments/feedback/criticism.