Monday, February 08, 2010

The Beer Philosophers #5

(We join Dude 1 and Dude 2 with beers in progress, feet on the coffee table, watching a old episode of Bay Watch with the sound turned low.)

"Dude, I didn't get to tell you what happened this morning."


"Yeah. I was on the subway going to work. You know how most people are half asleep in the morning?"


"Reading their newspapers? Sleeping even?"

"I hate newspapers."

"So there's this woman. Middle-aged I guess. Everyone's quiet. Everyone's doing their thing. But I notice her kind of looking around. Looking uncomfortable."


"Yeah, like she's in some kind of pain. Or trying to hold something in. Then, as I'm watching, she snatches something out of her purse. Does a little side maneuver, then it's gone. Back in her purse."

"What the hell?"

"And now she acting like nothing's out of the ordinary. But it's painfully obvious."

(Twists the cap off another beer.)

"But something IS out of the ordinary. This fucking smell hits me."


"Oh yeah."

"What? Like, perfume?"

"Good guess. I thought perfume at first, but it was so bad. Too strong. Too wacky. I'm trying not to choke and figure it out at the same time. That's when it finally hit me."

(Misses the trash can with the cap.)

"Air freshener."


"Yeah, I know. You don't expect to smell air freshener on a subway, but that's what it was. I'm thinking, what the fuck? Just whip out a tiny can of Glade and give a little spritz? I've seen a lot of things, but I haven't seen that before."

"Me neither."

"But then...oh yeah...then, it all becomes clear. Another smell mixes in. Now it's not just the wildflower vomit and battery acid. It's got an undertone of nasty."


"She totally let one loose man!"

"She farted?"

"Uh huh. It's totally that air-freshener-in-the-bathroom-after-nuclear-war smell."


"Tell me about it."

"Wait. You mean, she blasts a couple dead tacos and then does a little ninja spray to neutralize?"

"Indeed. Travel size can, even."



"I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed."

"You usually do that shit in stealth mode. Everybody will just blame each other anyway."

"Yeah. Might as well shove a microphone up your ass and broadcast it."

"So people start looking up from their papers. Noses wrinkle. I even saw one old lady start shaking her head."

"Hey bro?"


"Um, you got one of those cans?"





Jon said...

well... at least she had the decency!


nice narrative here... sure glad I wasn't in that train!

catvibe said...

You'll be hired as a writer for Beevis and Butthead next Jason. ;-)

SzélsőFa said...

oh why, she was just felt herself at home - I bet many people do that at home.

the walking man said...

Oh dude this was the best bit of the morning. Blame it on two hours sleep but I found this funny as hell.

Aniket Thakkar said...

"You usually do that shit in stealth mode. Everybody will just blame each other anyway."

Yup! That's the way it always should be. :)

Bernita said...

What a buildup to a fart!
I laughed and laughed.

David Barber said...

Laughed out that hard and loud, I almost farted myself. Great piece, Jason. ;-)

Aine said...

She should've waited until she was about to get off the train. (Not like I have any experience with stealth farts...)

DILLIGAF said...

I abslolutely LOVE this!!!

Class old bean.

Pure class.

Incidentally...roll one down the duvet, nudge the wifey awake than 'waft' the duvet.

The reaction has to be seen!!!

Anonymous said...

Jon, LOL! Very proper of her.

Catvibe, yeah yeah. He he. He he he. :)

Szelsofa, I'd worry about anyone who carried their own air freshener!

Walking Man, I'll take funny as hell any day. Thanks!!

Aniket, who me? Nope. Not me.

Bernita, :D Glad you enjoyed it! I cracked myself up too.

David, now THAT would have been high applause. :D Thanks!

Aine, oh, don't remind me. ;) At least I was around some of the legendary stories.

Four Dinner, we're running a classy establishment here. ;) As for your undercover surprise, I've been on the receiving end of that trick too!

Leah McClellan said...

LOL! Good one, good dialogue. It really flowed, and I got a good chuckle at the end! hee hee

itsyvitsy said...

Just that one sentence about letting one loose and leave the rest to the people around to figure it out was awesome! Isn't that how we all do it, in stealth mode? LOL :-D An amazing lesson for me in how to write a nugget completely in dialogue.

Monica Manning said...

"I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed." My thoughts, exactly.

And yet, I'm quite sure I had this very conversation with my husband not too long ago.

Great piece, as usual. Had me laughing out loud, which is what I needed first thing this morning.

SzélsőFa said...

on a second thought this reminds me a joke i've heard a year or two ago:
there are three men: an old farmer, a soldier and an officer, and a lady travelling in the same (closed) compartment on a train.
the lady is well dressed and elegant.
as time passes, the lady emits an audible fart.
the soldier clears his throat and apologizes by admitting that he's had beans for lunch.
along comes the second fart, again from the lady.
the officer blushes and apologizes for his bad state of bowels.
the old man wants to have a cigarette. as this is a non-smoking compartment, he stands up to leave for a while.
but before he does so, he turns back to his fellow travellers and states:
'gents, I'm going to have a cigarette outside. if the lady does that again, it will be me farting.'

Unknown said...

Hi Jason!

Almost wet my pants, LOL. I loved it. Classic! Slightly but deadly cannot be covered up with a lowly can of air freshener. Sorry little lady. Great work Jason!

(It could have been worse, she could have taken a stroll down between the seats.... blast both sides of the aisle.)

Dottie :)

Anonymous said...

Leah, sometimes I think gritty, low brow dialogue is even harder to get right.

Vittaldas, welcome! Dialogue-only pieces are a great way to experiment with how much story the spoken word can carry.

Monica, I'm glad I could bring a little levity to your morning! And thank you for the compliment. :)

Szelsofa, that's a great joke! Thanks for sharing it. :D

Dottie, oh yeah, a two-aisle attack would be way worse. No trailers allowed! (And thanks for the incontenence compliment!!)