Thursday, July 22, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #20

Family Jewels
by Rachel Green

The cut was shallow. Enough to make David gasp and a trickle of blood to run down his skin and pool in the triangle between his throat and clavicle but not enough to cause actual damage. He struggled against the rope holding him to the metal chair.

Gerald trailed the tip of the knife across David's bare chest, pausing at his nipple. "Tell me where the jewels are and you can just go. No tricks, no grudges. You can walk out the door with your head held high." He leaned forward, the sickly-sweet stink of his breath washing over David's face. "Or I can take your jewels in exchange." He pressed the blade against the nub of David's nipple.

David shook his head. "I don't know where they are. I didn't even see where you put them."

"You're—" Gerald pulled the nipple with his left thumb and forefinger and severed it with the blade. "—lying."

David's scream echoed around the room. Gerald waited for it to fade into gasping sobs and bubbling snot. "Scream. Shout. Pray if you like. When I bought this place I had the cellar kitted out as a recording studio. Soundproofed. Any sounds that do escape the neighbours attribute to our kinky tastes. No-one will bother us down here."

The knife point left a trail of blood as Gerald trailed it downward. "Is that fear in your eyes or deception?" Gerald paused, the blade over David's stomach. "You didn't swallow them, did you?"


Aniket Thakkar said...

Funny. Whenever I encounter an interrogation scene, the first name that jumps to mind is - Jack Bauer. :)

The piece is dark and gory. Just the way interrogation is supposed to be. Me likes.

Jade L Blackwater said...

Very painful - made me curl my toes! Well done.

I think you can tighten this piece with a few word removals/substitutions. Maybe find a few alternatives for trail (noun & verb)?

pegjet said...

I'm gagging and holding my chest.

Aimee Laine said...

I am completely grossed out. But I believe that was the intent, no?

PJD said...

dark and gory
very painful
grossed out

yup, that pretty much sums it up. :-)

Too bad for David. He's going to get gutted whether he swallowed them or not.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Whew. Kinda glad that one didn't go on-imagine being gutted? Cre-epy.

Great piece though. :)

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'm not too sure about the title. In this scenario, for whatever reasons, I'm thinking of ***gulp*** castration.

Precie said...

Quite a strong, vivid picture of cold brutality packed into so few words!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Had me cringing. The tension was well done.

Had a bit of trouble with the mention of jewels and yet he was at the nipple and not, well, the jewels. He didn't get there by the end of the piece either. I would think that a more appropriate place to get more rapid results.

Chris Eldin said...

A true nipple cripple.

Craig said...

Nasty, in an absolutely brilliantly done kind of way.

Unknown said...

Hi Rachel!

Ouch!!!! That's a nasty bit! Gulp, I hope he didn't swallow them.

Dottie :)

McKoala said...

eewww, eewww! Convincingly gruesome.

Deb Smythe said...

Ow. A very realistic scene.

Joni said...


Wow. I felt that one.

J. Elis Morgan said...

And now I am imagining poor David with his guts splayed out and Gerald rooting around for the jewels in there. Well written.

JaneyV said...

God I hope Gerald slips him a laxative! Extremely effective writing Rachel but so very brutal!

Laurel said...

Okay, who told Quentin Tarantino about CoN?

That was intense. And nothing good is coming up next.

Good job!

Catherine Vibert said...


Rachel, I knew yours would be dark and smart. Love it.

Vincent Kale said...

The best part about this entry is that it caused a very physical reaction while reading it (and I don't think I was the only one that got creeped out).

I still have the shivers thinking about it. Very visceral, pun intended.

The crazy part? You didn't even get to the goriest part! That almost makes it worse because we're left to wonder what happens next. Poor David.

Great job!

Michelle D. Argyle said...

ACK! This is really effective. You've got a lot of tension, and it works. Nice. :)