Sunday, July 25, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #41

Eau de Fear
by Donna Dickson

I never knew that terror stank.

It's a smell that means your balls are up against the wall. There's nowhere left to run. You made a wrong move, and now you're gonna pay . All you have to do is figure out what the price is gonna be. And all you know is, you can't afford it.

All your life you stayed two steps ahead of the game. Duckin' and divin', showing off some fancy footwork. Never reaching the lofty heights but Christ, you did OK.

You start lookin' around at what other people've got and you're on the road to a whole lotta hurt. It's not smart to have dreams. Anyone'll tell you that.

Thing is, you gotta take your chance when it comes your way. It's not like there's a whole cherry tree full of chances in your back yard just waiting for you to walk up and take your pick.

“Get up shit-for-brains.” Vinny's henchman was not impressed.

I got up. Slowly.

“Vinny don't take kindly to being double-crossed. And you're so shit-stupid you couldn't even get it right. You fucked up, you got greedy. We caught you, so say goodbye”.

Damned if that cherry tree didn't have a few precious jewels on 'em. Damn right I picked 'em.

Vinny could kiss my ass.

I rolled Vinny's henchman up in the tarp and shoved the shiny red ruby between his teeth, the smell of his own terror clinging to his quickly drying sweat.


Oddyoddyo13 said...

Love that voice!

JR's Thumbprints said...

The switch from 2nd person to 1st person seemed confusing, but I'm thinking the narrator was offering advice based on his own conflict. or is it the henchman, he's talking about?

Anonymous said...

Wow! Looks like you're the writer in the family, sis. Fab effort.

Sarah Laurenson said...

The voice is great.

The story's not my cuppa. I got lost in the who, what, where.

PJD said...

I like the first couple of paragraphs, particularly the language of the voice. I don't understand what happened at the end, though. The tarp and the ruby and the change in who's in charge was a bit abrupt.

Aimee Laine said...

So the guy talking in the beginning isn't the one in trouble ... I think I got it. :)

Michael Morse said...

Great voice. I felt like a gangster while I was reading.

Jade L Blackwater said...

I especially like how things turn after I got up slowly. Nice reversal of fortune, and a unique take on the jewels.

Unknown said...

Hi Donna

So, Vinny's henchmen is the speaker and then the roles are reversed, right? The killee becomes the killer.

I think I have it right... confused for a minute, but I have to say, nice reversal and delivery.

Dottie :)

bekbek said...

I love this! Leaves a lot of the action out in favor of attitude, but I still "saw" what happened. Well done!

Laurel said...

Fun tone and voice. I struggled with the POV a bit but the story came through loud and clear.

My favorite thing about this is that I have a strong mental image of what the players look like even though they are not described.

JaneyV said...

I liked the voice too.

Deb Smythe said...

The role reversal was a little abrupt, but the voice is great.

Vincent Kale said...

Great voice! I was digging the 2nd person narrative (which is difficult to do well in my opinion), but got a little lost in the transition.

Craig said...

I agree with the consensus; great voice but a tad confusing at the end.