Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #69

by JaneyV

“Do you have any concerns or shall we just go ahead?”

“You said there’d be some discomfort. Like what? A grazed knee or breakin’ your leg?”

“Jesus Brandon you want pain? Try givin’ birth natural, like you made me do!”

“Take it easy Gems. I’m just preparin’ y’know – mentally. I saw how havin’ the kids was sore for you. I was there for all five.”

“Sore? I’ll give you fuckin’ sore? Doc, gimme a brick I’ll fix him right here!”

“Mr. Ryan it’ll be nothing like breaking your leg or, as you wife’s pointed out so … loudly … giving birth. A few anti-inflammatory painkillers are all you’ll need. And really - you will heal very quickly.”

“Hear that Brandon? You get to heal quickly. No weeks of bleedin’ through your cock for you. This’ll be a piece a cake.”

“But what if my junk don’t work so good after?”

“Sweetie, your junk ain’t nothin’ special now! But I promise you this – you get rid of your swimmers – and I will like it a whole lot more. Snip-snip or no more boom-boom.”

“OK Doc let’s do it.”

“I have all the paperwork ready to go ahead as planned on the 13th. Just one more thing; I need the details of next of kin.”

“I guess that would be me, Gemma Ruby Sapphire Ryan.”

“You’re quite the treasure Mrs. Ryan!”

“That’s right! And after next Friday, I better be the only family jewels that’s still workin’!”


fairyhedgehog said...

Such a very different take on it! The end made me laugh.

JaneyV said...

Thanks Gina. I had a more serious one but frankly I found it boring! And someone died in it which would have pushed the body count up so I opted for offensive language instead!!!

Anonymous said...

Warning, TMI: I was with my husband for his, and it was SO not close to childbirth I almost refused to let him have the two days' recuperating time.

Janey, you always do so well with dialogue and even better with humor. We SO must get together for drinks soon.

fairyhedgehog said...

I call myself a reader? I didn't spot the byline, Jane, and I had no idea it was yours!

I should have guessed though... ;)

PJD said...

Men complaining about minor outpatient surgeries? Bollocks, innit?

Janey, you've outdone us all once again. The "family jewels" angle was one I expected to show up more often, but I am so so so glad you did it. What a joy to read your CON pieces.

Sweetie, your junk ain’t nothin’ special now!

Ha ha ha! He set himself up for that, didn't he?

Catherine Vibert said...

ROFL Janey! As I'm reading this, I thought, she must have been thinking about 'family jewels', so it was all the more entertaining to read to the end! Your dialogue is exquisite as ever Janey. Although, I can't imagine this being anything even remotely on the same planet as childbirth, but men have been known to have low tolerance for pain I hear... ;-) Great! Brava!

Laurel said...

Drat! Blogger's eating my comments!

Janey, I love this. I love her voice and how much hell she gives him. I snorted the whole way through.

You're always on my short list. Kudos!

Laurel said...

One more thing. If there was a best title award this one should win. Hands down. Or pants, in this case.

Stephen Hill said...

When a strictly dialogue piece works, it's just the best, and your voices here are great - sets the stage perfectly with no other details required.

bekbek said...

I love that you spared us the higher body count! So considerate!

A great, fun interpretation! Thank you!

Chris Eldin said...

Janey, Your characters always have so much TEETH!!! LOL! Your dialogue, is as always, pitch perfect.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I can just imagine my own parents having the exact same conversation.

C.Sonberg Larson said...

Great voice. You really nailed the characters. Love the humor.

Precie said...

I think Blogger ate my earlier comment: LOVE IT!

McKoala said...

Hysterical! Love the use of dialogue only. Childbirth 'sore' - um, well yes. Patronising doc too.

Snip-snip boom boom...bwahahahahah

Aniket Thakkar said...

No way this voice can be pure fiction. After your last piece and this, I'm picturing you in leather jacket(That has Punk written behind it) and aviators, crunching on a tooth-pick as you say these dialogues. :D

You and Shona both have a gift of nailing the voice. Always.

This is epic!

PS: A show better than Seinfeld could be made if they could get Ello, Merry and you in one room. :)

Deb Smythe said...

Ha! Thanks for injecting some humor into the contest. We're nearing the body count limit. Nice job. Your dialogue truly sparkled:)

Unknown said...

Hi Janey

LOLOLOL Made me giggle! It's going to hurt more than a bit, but less than death, which is what's going to happen to him if he doesn't undergo the 'snip'.


Dottie :)

JaneyV said...

Thank you to everyone who's commented - these really make my day. I love Jason's contests because it's such a challenge to write to this kind of brief and for me the warmth of the writing community that comes through in the comments trail are really what make it for me! xxx

Aerin You are very kind. I do sometimes wonder if I should start writing screenplays instead. To be fair to the male sex I really don't think that the problem is the fear of pain so much as getting past the psychological hurdle.
I am definitely going to try for that retreat next year!!

GIna LOL! I do seem to have a certain style!

Peter it's all bollocks or in that general area. Thanks so much. I did try to avoid the obvious but then I heard this conversation in my head!

Cat that's the point really isn't it. I think when the babies are done and everybody's sure about that, guys should be willing to take this little procedure for the team.

Laurel You are so kind. I'm glad to make you laugh. I'd picked the name Ryan way before getting the title. I was just really pleased when I thought of it!!

Thank you Stephen I love to do dialogue. Sometimes I feel much more comfortable with it than with prose.

Bekbek Glad to make you smile!

Chris Woof! I am thrilled you liked it! Great to see you again - missed you!

Oddyodyo13 LOL! I could never in a million years imagine my parents having that kind of chat. A billion years in fact!

C. Sonberg Larson Thank you so much!

Precie You are so kind to come back! Thanks xxx

McKoala Let's face it none of these characters are people you'd want to have to a dinner party!

Aniket This is why I look forward so much to your comments - you make me smile so much!! ;oD
It's up to the reader to decide the accent they want to attach to the characters but it my head they were a ballsy New York-married-forever couple and the Doc had a stick somewhere uncomfortable!

I'd just love to be in a room with Ello and Merry because it would be such fun. Not sure how much writing we'd get done!!
Thank you so much for giving me your feedback. I was childishly eager to hear it!

Deb glad to be of service and thank you for your kind words

Dottie It doesn't hurt that much! Glad to have brought a smile to your face. Thank you!

AidanF said...

The title is perfect. The voices are very well done, I always knew exactly who was talking. I'm very jealous of this dialogue.

Sarah Laurenson said...


Great job, Janey! Love the characters, the setting, the interplay.

JR's Thumbprints said...

At first I thought you were heading into kidney stone territory. Been there (thrice), including an eighteen inch stent. Ummm ... where was I? You have a special knack for dialogue, that's been proven. Good story.

JaneyV said...

Aidan Thanks! As for Ryanstones -it was too good a pun to ignore! Glad I found your entry. I have no idea how I skipped passed it in the first place.

Sarah You are very kind!

JRT Kidney stones are for more painful than a vasectomy!! Wouldn't wish them on anyone, not even a character. Thanks for the kind words.

sea minor said...

i really like the piece. the dialogue is excellent and the situation a real stroke. quality of writing then, superb. what i'm not so sure about is the ending, the use of the name. it seems wedged in to me. it's also the only piece of dialogue that isn't completely natural. after this comp, i reckon you could cut that bit, even down to one first name so you don't lose that last couple of lines.

good luck.

Erratic Thoughts said...

Ohh! I was re-reading all the entries, god n I realized I missed this could that be...!
What a wonderful take on the prompt.
So much fun, I totally liked that conversation.
Lol what a great piece, I can't stop laughing :D