Friday, January 05, 2007

Entry #9

Patsy
by SF Johnston


His Daddy was the very worst kind of crook because he preyed on men's weakness and poor folks threw their last dollars into his pockets for a taste of the good life ha ha that's funny the good life because look what he bought for his son his Catholic son with his hair and his smile and his secret Marilyn and those winks in the press oh they wink alright but they don't know about Cuba and the Mob and I've been to Russia and New York so I know about that but I'm not a commie well maybe a little bit I am but I was in the military and I'm a patriot so I'm just doing what they told me but I was early so I was staring out that window and I work here so I know a Johnny Walker sign was there but it's gone so I pretended it was his bootlegging father's blood like he was executed right there and ha ha that's funny too because now I'm at the other window and here comes mister perfect in his car and just listen to them cheering like he's a god well he's not watch this wow back and to the left so somebody else shot him too which means Sam wasn't lying and hey look that guy's pointing away from me at the smoke and the fence which means I got away with it ha ha I really did okay now I have to go.

13 comments:

S. W. Vaughn said...

Whoa. Chilling! I don't usually like stream of consciousness stuff, but this has a great voice.

Jim said...

Gah! I think I went cross-eyed trying to read that. Not such a big fan of the long, run-on sentence concept of writing. Sorry...

Fran Piper said...

This is clever. I didn't start to get it until about halfway through. I really enjoyed this one.

Michele said...

I've never seen this type of writing before.

For a bit, I thought he had WAY too much coffee... or something.

gritty ending.
nice.

Jaye Wells said...

Well done. I like the stream of consciousness.

Anonymous said...

How cool! A touch of film noir and so well told. :-)

Joni said...

I agree with S.W. This was the way to pull of stream of consciousness. You had me liking it despite my initial instincts. :)

feminine expressions said...

an exquisite capture of character in so few words. brilliant. and profound.

SF Johnston said...

Hi all,

SW -- good to "see" you again -- I bet you win. You sure raised the bar on us all!

Jim and Michele - I know where you're coming from -- I'm not a big fan of run-on sentences either. My intention was to portray a manic mood -- nerves, hate, misguided and misplaced anger, an immature, under-developed pseudo-political understanding of the world, the adrenaline rush of being in on a scheme with bigger men than he is and the excitement some people must feel before they kill. And coffee too, of course.

Fran, Jaye, Joni -- thanks! I was absolutely trying to overcome people's instincts about this type of writing.

Susan -- you understood!

Feminine -- You give me too much credit (so thanks, obviously!)

SF Johnston

Jeff said...

I'm also not a fan of run-on sentences, however, this piece has a hyper energy punch to it that makes it work. Good job!

Anonymous said...

A pretty manic piece suggesting that the protagonist is unhinged. I know people who talk their thoughts right out loud like this, so it works for me. They don't shoot people though, thankfully.

Anonymous said...

A chilling piece of stream of consciousness. Very powerful.

jason evans said...

Being in the head Lee Harvey Oswald...brilliant idea! The stream of consciousness was a powerful approach.

High marks overall.