Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Entry #33

by Heather

again. we've moved from one dump to another.
    he will promise this will be the last move until we can afford better.
    he will promise he won't drink and smoke his paychecks.
again. i will swear this is the last chance i'm giving him.
    i will swear that i will not raise my Child to live like this.
    i will try to clean while the Baby sleeps.
    i will try not to cry as i scrub away the grime.
again. i will salvage what i can from what was left behind.
    I will salvage what's left of my pride.
    i will wonder if we'll stay long enough to make it worth the effort.
    I will wonder about the history of this house. who lived here. who loved here.
again. i will form a story to tell our families about the move. and why.
    I will form a plan in my mind, a plan of purchasing and renovating.
Again. I will begin to Hope.
    I will begin to Dream.
Maybe this time my Hope and my Dream won't be crushed.


briliantdonkey said...

Nice work Heather. As I said over on your end of the world, it shows a great deal of dispair and yet clinging on to hope at the same time.


Joni said...

I think there is something here that speaks to everyone. We all have vices and I know how sickened I get when I give into my own weaknesses and have to re-promise myself it won't happen again.

Very powerful writing.

DonnaG said...

This piece has a lot of power and a lot of promise. I would like to see the word "I" written in lower case until nearly the end ("I will begin to hope")... it helps to emphasize the MC's weakness until she makes up her mind to change things. And I'm not sure the last line is as effective as it should be. Perhaps something more positive here instead of lapsing back into negativity.

Scott said...

I like the way the text builds as hope builds, but peters off at the end with "again"

Jaye Wells said...

Oh man, this one tugs at the heart strings. I like how it ends on a negative note. It's more realistic and really drives home the woman's optimistic desperation.

Beth said...

Interesting use of capitization to drive the point home. It works because instead of being angry at the man, I'm angry at the woman for playing the victim.

Wavemancali said...

Glad you entered this Heather. I like it.

heather said...

thank you everyone for the kind words.:-)

Terri said...

I like this. It flows, sort of lethargic at first but then builds strength. Well done.

The Wandering Author said...

This was very effective, and I have to disagree with donnag - the ending is incredibly effective the way it is. If you made it more positive, I don't think it would be believable. How could anyone have their hopes crushed so many times, and not feel a certain doubt even in the midst of hope?

Canterbury Soul said...

human nature revealed at its best...or worst?

nice one. :)

September said...

dream. hope.
nicely done.

Susan Flemming said...

Promises made, promises broken, both his and hers to herself. The clinging to hope in the midst of despair. You've captured those themes wonderfully.

heather said...

thank you guys. i was going for realistic, not necessarily a happy ending.

jason evans said...

I like the raw consciousness feel here. The thoughts are unfolding in real time.

High marks for pacing.