Friday, July 27, 2007

Entry #13

Halo
by SzélsõFa


The forest proved dense, not because of much undergrowth – for it was a pine forest. A dark one. Hail fastened his clutch on the sword. No sign of enemies, though. Not yet.

Hail knew this forest all too well to not allow himself being careless and wonder around like a blindfolded lover, with a lady in his dreams…

Hail no longer had pictures of ladies waving listlessly from a balcony in his mind.

Win this time. Defeat *him* this time. Get through the forest without getting hurt this time. THEN can you dream about ladies.

And Hail knew the way through too much. Perhaps this road was the only thing he knew almost everything about. Behold, the path bends beyond that giant grey rock. Okay, clear. What, no footmarks? There should be some marks just around here. I remember. This is the place I was defeated last time. I died. But now, I am stronger and I have something else in my sack. Purchased at the last level.

Hail wheeled his eyes to no avail. Where are they? Hidden there, aren’t you?

---

Ouch, the back of my head. Forward with that precious weapon! Aim and shoot!

---

Finally, the light. Oh, how soothing it is! I’m out this time. I am saved.

---

With motionless eyes staring right into the lamp’s halo, here lay Hail, calm and reassured. The horrid visions of *him* and the enchanted forest have gone. Forever? His mind was not to tell anymore.

16 comments:

onipar said...

Nicely done. I enjoyed this.

Victor J. Banis said...

It intigued me but I'm not sure I really got it. Nicely written.

takoda said...

This feels like a very nice 5 pages condensed to 1.

SzélsőFa said...

Onipar,
I'm glad you liked it.
Victor,
thanks. You are welcomed to visit my site for further discussion.
Takoda,
yeah, I had some hard times shortening sentences and leaving specific words out. One day I might write a 5 page story - why not?

takoda said...

Hi, I really liked it. It's intriguing. I think it will be even better as a longer piece!

Victor Bravo Monchego, Jr said...

I would agree with the cadre, a bit too condensed. Perhaps you need 750 words to swing that broadsword. It is tough in close quarters. Still quite drinkable and Hail is a character worth developing. I would think a bit about the blindfolded lover and the characteristics you want the reader to see. In truth, blindedfolded lovers are not so helpless, blind, or naive, are they?

Jeff said...

I like the premise of the story. A longer version would be nice.

SzélsőFa said...

Takoda,
thanks again for the encouragement.
Victor Bravo Monchego, Jr.,
I replied at your site to the word use, thanks anyway for the kind words.
Jeff,
I'm glad you liked it. I might consider expanding it :)

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

An intriguing piece with loads of potential for further development, would love to see it as something a bit longer. Very nicely done.

angel said...

i like it- i'd love more- yay for fantasy fiction!

mr. schprock said...

I thought we would find out this is a video game, how the characters really think. In the end, I believe Hail is finally allowed to pass on to eternal peace. Nice piece of writing. I enjoyed it very much.

JLB said...

I would tend to agree with Victor - intriguing, but a little difficult for me to follow.

SzélsőFa said...

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah),
thank you for the suggestion. One day I might do the longer version.

Angel,
Thing is that I'm not into sci-fi or anything, but this character acted liked this. Became a fantasy character by himself:)

Mr. Schprock,
Yes, he has marched into eternity, although not the way he intended to. And yes, video games are involved. Thank you for the kind words.

Jlb,
thank you. I understand that what I write is not always easy to follow - I have to improve with that.

Beth said...

SzélsőFa, that's really neat about this being a video game. I had no idea. I left a comment already, but it's not here?!? Anyhow, that's a great concept!

SzélsőFa said...

Thanks, Beth.

jason evans said...

I like the fact he had to force himself to keep his mind on track. Definitely fight first, spend time with the ladies later.