Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Entry #57

The End
by Rachael Dimond


I'm running through the woods. I'm out of breath but I must not stop running. He's getting closer to me. I can hear his feet crunching the branches and leaves. I'm sure the vines are scratching up his legs to a bloody pulp. I hope he twists his ankle and falls. I need to run.

He's getting closer. I can feel his breath on my back. I have no energy. I think I'll just sit down and rest for a while. If I close my eyes and pretend I don't see him, then he can't get me.

I hear voices. They're talking about me. I smell disinfectant. Am I in a hospital? How did I get here? I feel something in my throat. It feels like a breathing tube. There are all kinds of medical equipment hooked up to my body!

Oh, I remember. I’m dying. My husband decided to slit my throat because he caught me with his brother in bed. He couldn’t deal with the image and decided he was going to kill me. I tried to stop him but he just became more angry and violent with me. I loved his brother. Why couldn’t I be with him? Why did I have to marry a murderer?

I hear a beeping sound. I’m coding.

I'm in the woods. They're swallowing me up. I can't breathe. He's caught me. He finally caught up to me and has me now. It's over. The race is done. Death caught me.

[Rachael is a 25-year-old -book reviewer for 4 sites online. She loves to write and would like to write a book one day. She enjoys reading mysteries and thrillers that take her breath away. She likes to be wowed from the first line to the last and that is how she writes, never letting up the tension.]

21 comments:

Victor J. Banis said...

Rachel, nice seques back and forth. You should definitely work on your own novel

RachaelfromNJ said...

Thanks!

readingissomuchfun said...

I agree with Victor. This was a very good one Rachael. The title went very well with what you had wrote.

Hugssss
LindaH

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

I liked the way you wove your story - back and forth. And you've created a strong voice for your character.

JLB said...

I agree with Vanilla - you are effect with oscillating between the narrator's thoughts, memories and actions.

RachaelfromNJ said...

Thank you so much for your comments! I apprecite it!

RachaelfromNJ said...

APPRECIATE*

onipar said...

I thought this was well done. I like your interpretation of the forest picture and how you used it in the story.

-Anthony

SzélsőFa said...

Quite tense and/but flows easily. Nice work.

apprentice said...

A real throat grabber from start to finish. You clearly know the genre very well indeed and how to execute it. I'm glad I read it in the morning light!

RachaelfromNJ said...

THANK YOU!!

c.s. said...

can i say this is fantastic? weel done!

but still frown upon wife sleeping with brother.

RachaelfromNJ said...

LOL Thank you C.S. :)

briliantdonkey said...

Very nice job Rachel. Kind of grabbed me right off the bat and didn't let go. A rather unenjoyable story but a very enjoyable read if that makes any sense. I still have a lot more entries to read but at the least will be back to read this one again as a possible vote getter.

:::: There are all kinds of medical equipment hooked up to my body:::

I think this should be "there IS all kinds........body", but I could be wrong about that.

Other than that, I liked it a lot.

BD

RachaelfromNJ said...

HI BD!
Thank you so much for your comments! :) I'm not sure of the proper way to phrase that sentence. It sounded right to me when I wrote it. Thanks for saying my story grabbed you right away. That's what I was going for. :) And of course any votes towards my story are GREATLY appreciated. :)

jason evans said...

For some reason, I always find visions at the moment of death disturbing. The movie Jacob's Ladder, for example...yikes.

RachaelfromNJ said...

Jason what did you think of my writing? You didn't say. I never saw Jacob's Ladder so I don't know what you mean by that. It wasn't really a vision as she was dying. I wasn't trying to portray it like that at all. I was using her being chased as a way to describe her trying to out run death.

jason evans said...

Rachael, in public comments, I point out an element or two that I liked best. Under the rules, full comments with any constructive suggestions I might have are offered by private email. If you've requested that, I will be doing them shortly. If not, you can still email me if you're interested.

RachaelfromNJ said...

I was just looking for the element or two that you liked best, as you said. I didn't see you mention anything that you liked about my story, just that you find visions at death disturbing.

jason evans said...

The main impact for me was fear and confusion at the point of death or near death (I hear a beeping sound. I'm coding.) Since you were trying to evoke those emotions, the fact that I was disturbed by the choice of images meant that you did your job. To be clear, I liked that.

I'll also say that I liked the quick sentences at the end. They help build the sense of fleeing.

Those were the two elements I liked best.

RachaelfromNJ said...

Thank you very much Jason. I really appreciate it. :)