Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Entry #67

Ravish by Rainstorm
by Jade Leone Blackwater


“Don’t come any closer.”

“Just lemme look—”

Justice snaps back in the crook of a stump. His chest is heaving, straining for oxygen in the thick summer air. Tonight’s been a real toad-strangler: even the katydids sound wet.

“C’mon Justice, I’m sure it’s not so bad—”

He’s starting to make inhuman noises—sort of a wheeze-growl that begins in his belly and snorts its way through wet nostrils. Justice’s breath is accelerating, focused: he’s winding up.

I take a leery step back. The woods are dark early for the summer. Must be the rainstorm—

“Carm?”

“Sure J?” I force my voice flat.

“…d-d-don’t you think you should get the f-f-fu—”

Justice’s back lurches and he cuts wind. His belly swivels from his hips, chest dropping heavily to the damp earth. His skin darkens like mist crossing the moon. Penetrating eyes train slowly back, my heart gropes its veins for flight.

I pummel forward. Muscle and bone lurching in frantic commotion while my mind congeals in a puddle of memory: a black-eyed man at the bar, drinks, cash, clouds, cabs, park trails… I listen, craning in the chimera to hear his words, “Where… where… …”

My chin hits ground. I slap my hands desperately at the darkness, legs tingling from the long sprint. At the smell of bourbon I turn; my eyes close on the wolfish snout of a lean, semi-erect wolf-man. I open my mouth, the rain pounds down.

14 comments:

Victor Bravo Monchego, Jr said...

Nicely done. All the senses used. "At the smell of bourbon, I turn" -- strong line.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Very nicely done. Good tension and pace. Really liked this.

JLB said...

Victor, Thank you - I had a lot of fun exploring this piece!

Absolute Vanilla, thank you also. It was a challenge to take it down from the original 400 words, but I think it certainly helped with the pacing you mention. :)

Thanks again for the feedback.

Victor J. Banis said...

Yes, 250 words is a challenge, isn't it - but good practice. Nicely done. the first werewolf story

Jaye Wells said...

Excellent job, JLB.

'mbm' said...

Great descriptions.

onipar said...

Jade!

I liked this very much. I almost went the werewolf route too. Glad I didn't though, cause your's would have whipped my ass.

:-)

JLB said...

Victor, it's true, the word count is a challenge, but a welcome one - I strive to be concise with my writing, which I'm sure is part of what attracts me to flash fiction.

Jaye, thank you!

MBM, thanks very much!

Oni, you're too kind dude. Your work is excellent - can't wait to read more!

Ann Ostrander said...

Lots of nice descriptive sentences. Good job.

SzélsőFa said...

one almost feels the characters up close to him/her. A chilling experience.

Bernita said...

"a real toad-strangler"
"slap my hands desperately at the darkness"
Love those lines. - and the choice combination of colloquial and metaphysical.

c.s. said...

very well done, here! i like it!

JLB said...

Ann, SzélsőFa, Bernita, C.S.,, thank you so much for your kind words - I'm pleased you enjoyed the piece. It was fun to write!

jason evans said...

Some great description in there. I like the ending point too.