Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Entry #37

Auscultation
by Leon van Eck


And I really thought I was fine until I vomited up all that blood into the basin in the public restroom in Edgecombe Park. The guy standing at the closest urinal zipped up and walked out without a word. Something was broken inside of me, after all.

I met a man on a bridge yesterday. I was looking into the muddy water, that inviting swirl, feeling its inexorable influence over my body. He pulled me back from the railing, saved me from myself, the person I had decided to become. I went with him, willingly. We were explorers after that. It was uncharted territory for me, this rhythm of the universe beating in every capillary in my brain. Only if it is turned off would you notice a sound that you’d been hearing your whole life. The scars on his back were a roadmap of his past. I touched them in the dark, wishing I had been responsible for those traces, that they were my doing; a shared history. He fucked me with a hushed urgency. We never spoke: I felt as if our whole encounter was taking place underwater.

At dawn we lay there, with him restless like the throbbing November sky, and I impassive as the tree outside his window, waiting for the inevitable. The rain of blows began as the first drops blurred on the glass. I took them all, willingly. He thought he had fixed me, but something was broken inside of me, after all.

15 comments:

Sarah Hina said...

Wow. This one is so bleak, yet so damn good. I really felt the character's nihilism, and his alienation from the world. So finely written, too.

Definitely one of my favorites. Fantastic work!

Abhinav said...

May I add that the last paragraph is splendid! And your way of bringing the story to a full circle with 'Something was broken inside of me, after all.' Nice work!!!

Precie said...

Raw and haunting. Well done.

Bernita said...

Well-done sketch of the psychologies matching the landscape.

Church Lady said...

The most intimate one so far, in my opinion. I really liked it.

SzélsőFa said...

In sentence : '...uncharted territory for me, this rhythm of the universe beating in every capillary in my brain'...
at first I mis-read capillary for caterpillars.
That fitted the story just as well. A very sick course of events indeed.
But, as a writing, it is flawless.

Jaye Wells said...

I loved the grittiness, as well as the almost rueful voice. Wonderful job. One of my favorites so far.

Hoodie said...

I'll echo "raw" and "gritty" and add spectacular. Bravo.

Dottie said...

Splendid piece.

Beth said...

It's so overused, but when I say authentic, I mean something honestly makes me laugh, or get sick, or feel shocked, etc. This is authentic writing and it really made me cringe and feel.

raine said...

As painful for the reader as the character, I believe.
Job very well done.

Sarah Hina said...

So glad yours was recognized. I thought it undeniably powerful, and it really stayed with me afterward. Truly stunning writing.

Congratulations!

Church Lady said...

This was my favorite one. As much as I love the others, I think it's extremely hard to write raw emotion. Too many people are afraid of it. You pulled it off very well.
Congratulations!

The Electric Orchid Hunter said...

Thank you all for your comments. I almost decided against submitting this at all, due to the uncomfortable nature of its subject matter: homosexuality and violence. Not just painful for the character and the reader (as Raine Weaver mentioned), but painful for the author as well. I'm glad I did submit it in the end; your support has certainly proven me wrong. I wish you all the very best. May we all find some compassion and consolation in this world.

jason evans said...

Very potent story! I like the brutal honesty and people with darkness in their souls. It's very brave to bring that out into the open.

Very tight and effective writing.

Congratulations on winning 3rd Place!!