A Love Engraved
by DBA Lehane
Vern paused for breath on the hillside and glanced up at the tree through aqueous eyes. Despite his fears it was still there; a little frail and withered maybe - but then so was he these days.
It had been forty years since he’d first brought Alice here. He could still see her beautiful face, dappled in sunlight, as they sat beneath the shaded canopy and he’d whispered “I love you” for the very first time.
She replied she loved him too and had taken him inside her, right there beneath the tree.
Afterwards, with the penknife he always carried, they’d carved their initials within a heart upon the tree.
It was a love engraved forever.
But now Alice was gone and Vern faced life without her.
At the tree he reached out his hand and delicately traced the declaration of their love still carved deep within its gnarled flesh. As tears damped his weathered face he slumped slowly to the floor and took the old penknife from his pocket. Despite its rusted bluntness he knew it would still do.
It was why he’d come back here after all.
Distraught he traced the tip of the blade across his exposed wrist, the arteries pulsing with life beneath his old skin. He took a deep breath, steeled himself and then slowly cut the knife through the polythene bag he held.
Alice’s ashes scattered upon the breeze about him. Vern smiled and wiped a tear from his eye. “Farewell my love.”
[DBA Lehane is a London based writer who likes his vodka neat and women even neater. His official website can be found at www.dbalehane.com and he publishes weekly short short fiction at http://dbalehane.blogspot.com.]
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Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
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- Aine
- Collaborator and night owl.
Past Contests
- "Elemental" Short Fiction Contest
- "Uncovered" Short Fiction Contest
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- "Halo" Short Fiction Contest
- "Endless Hour" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silent Grey" Short Fiction Contest
- "Lonely Moon" Short Fiction Contest (with Anne Frasier)
- "Midnight Road" Short Fiction Contest
- "Two Lights" Short Fiction Contest
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42 comments:
perfect from begining to end. A fitting requiem.
rel
Nice twist there. Surprised me, which means it did its job.
I love surprises!
Nicely written!!
Oh, that's a sad one. Nicely done.
A Very Tender piece...Brilliantly written......grabs you from the first line and Holds you till the last.......great work...Thank you...
Thanks for the comments everyone. I like to think there was a little hope though in the ending and dear old Vern had found the closure now to move on with life.
beautiful writing.such a beautiful love story told in so few words.
One glaring typo: "arties"
Apart from that, it had a wonderful physicality, from "had taken him inside her" through the engraving with the knife---sharp then and blunt today---to the knife's final act. Physical and symbolic and well-balanced throughout.
Thanks Vincent, and ouch! Well spotted and shame on me for not seeing that! I've asked Jason to go back in and correct that.
I almost stopped reading because I thought it was going to turn graphic at the end. Wonderful piece!
I enjoyed being led through your story.
I caught myself so briefly thinking “don’t do it!” Then you allow us to sigh with relief and heartache. That kind of journey in 250 words is a real talent. Thanks.
What a wonderfully written piece! A love story with a difference and the best part is the unexpected delicious ends that seems to be your style, the suspense was just great. Well done DBA, this is another bests!
Sad, beautiful
oh that was lovely... so far i like it the best i think....
What a wonderful piece. You kept surprising me and that's what a great flash does.
Well done - I really love how you manage to trick the reader with the knife.
Though short, you can really catch the feeling of the story. I loved it! Great job!
Oh, I am glad it did not go the way it appeared to be going! Even the title seemed to foreshadow, but a very believable ending. Heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.
a beautiful love story that gives me hope, you have a wonderful way with words.
microabi
Cool.
You really fooled me with his knife and pulsing arteries.
That, and the ending makes it a really wonderful story.
Not a wasted word.
Beautifully written, well done!
Very tender and heart-wrenching piece. I, too, was uplifted by the ending.
"A love engraved forever." I really felt this from these two. Wonderful story-telling in such a short frame.
Lovely piece of writing, Lehane - it flows together so well and has a beautiful poignancy about it - as well as that one moment where the reader is jarred at the appearance of the old knife.
Very well done.
The tree will guard her well... Poignant story, beautifully written.
Well thought out last Valentine.
A great requiem, which doesn’t get bogged down with syrupy sentimentality.
Another great piece from Mr Lehane!
I like how the emotions are conveyed through actions, and activities.
I did expect something else and I liked how it turned out.
Touching. I thought it was getting predictable, but then you twisted it. Good job on the timing.
I'm with pjd. I expect one ending, and am nicely surprised by something entirely different. Well done.
A well written piece. You have crafted a nice story... truly thinking the character is about to slit his wrists, then to find he is only releasing the ashes from captivity... and a fond farewell at a favored location. Great writing! Captivating!
Nice work. Beautifully crafted. I'm a big fan of your stories. I stop by your blog every week or so to see what you have written. Like Chubby Checker, you are a master of the twist. I'm always delighted with what I read from you.
Thanks again everyone! The comments and feedback is always good to read!
And r2 - I think I might just use that for my bio's in future: "the chubby checker of the written word" :) That really did make me laugh out loud!
I do like the idea of the story, but I kept wondering why he'd trace the knife across his wrist; it seemed a little artificial, meant only to throw off the reader. It just..otherwise seems like a strange detail. But it's a lovely tribute to a lost love.
Oh hell ignore that comment. I tried acting it out, holding the bag in one hand and the knife in the other, and I understand now. Sorry, sorry.
Knife across his wrist...a number of reasons I guess. Inner turmoil in his grief, fantasy and compulsion, acknowledgement of the thin line between life and death, sensing the blades sharpness/bluntness, to make the blade clean...lets not forget this is a man truly lost in the depths of his loss and grief and not sat reading at his computer
I actually was looking at the title in Jason's list and NOT looking forward to reading this. I had expected quite a few sentiment-carved trees among the stories, and your title "A love engraved" had me thinking this would be somehow trite and all about youthful passion.
Not that there isn't any youthful passion - the first time "he'd whispered 'I love you'" is so full of the vulnerability of emotion and sex, and you handled it just right in my opinion.
But it's the way you then grew that emotion into the long love affair of a lifetime, and the loss, and layered meaning of "a love engraved" that really caught me. Engraved on the tree, on the heart, on the life, and on the wrist.
Gorgeous. You are among those making my Readers' Choice voting very, very difficult, but also so rewarding. :)
Hey DBA - Yes, I got the various reasonings, it was the - oh, sort of logistics. Since he had seemed to already make the decision to let go of her. It was mostly the result of my reading and trying to form coherent comments too late at night (well, late for a mum of toddlers).
Rereading this morning, I'm reminded how much I like this ending, very appropriate for a tree which, season to season, lives. Quite nice.
A surprising twist.. I was on edge for that moment I thought he was going to take his own life.
Very sweet. It's interesting how we sometimes seek to incorporate ourselves into another living thing. Someday the tree will die too, but hopefully after the grieving ones are gone.
You really scared me-- I was actually holding my breath as Vern traced the tip of his knife across his wrist. But then you mercifully released me, and ended with a lovely bittersweet moment. Your skill succeeded in making me forget I was reading words-- well done!
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