Friday, February 22, 2008

Entry #25

Sub Text
by Micky McGuinness


“C U Next Tuesday” her thumb hovered over send. Did she really want to see Peter again. She was in her early forties, pretty, well kept for her age; She could do better than him….

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring the stove; I’m dying for a cuppa.”

“I’m sick of carting it around, we never use it.” Rita was angry, it was the only time that she’d left it, and Peter had to notice.

Why did he have to ask now.

It was mild, but they had been walking for well over an hour. A cup of tea would have been nice…

“Peter do we have to go all the way up, I’m knackered”

“Okay you sit down under this tree; I’ll carry on to the top on my own”

Rita slumped down, and let her rucksack slide off her shoulders. She rested her back against the tree, as Peter strode off into the distance.

Peter was a bit of a boring man, a pompous ex military type, very Home Counties. He’d barely even kissed her in the four months since she met him. One drunken shag in the pub car park, and that was that; Peter seemed to think they were married.

She started collecting twigs and small branches from round the bottom of the tree to make a fire for his blasted tea.

She didn’t know that the grass was tinder dry.

The nurses in the burns unit had been great; and he’s back home now.

CLEAR.


[Micky is 43, has two young children, works full time for local government. He writes, takes pictures, plays in a band, and generally tries to fit too much into his limited time! He'd love to spend more time on writing, and love to get some of his work published. If you want to see more of his stuff you can follow this link. If you want to see my music related activities then try here.

33 comments:

Missy said...

Ah, the price of a cuppa tea these days! Good ironic tale. Both characters cold enough to deserve... nah, I shouldn't say that!

Beth said...

I'm right below you and have noticed both of us have used a character named Peter. Isn't that wild? I'm curious to know if it was a name from someone you know ... mine is!

ChristineEldin said...

I felt distance, which is what you wanted to portray? Wasn't expecting the end. (Hopefully the tree survived)
Good job!

Remiman said...

Micky,
Well, there seems to be more than one way to put some fire in a relationshp. ;)
Thanks for knackred, and Home Counties. Learning new terms and words is always a bonus.
rel

pattinase (abbott) said...

Nice sense of a journey taken.

DBA Lehane said...

Am I the only one smiling at the potential acronym in the very first line? ;) Good twist in this...which I'm always a sucker for!

paisley said...

oooppppsssss..... dry boring men catch easier i guess....

JLB said...

I like how you've effectively incorporated the text messaging... very well written piece.

MickyMc said...

Hi Missy I was tempted to call it dieing for a cuppa, but then I decided not to kill Peter!

MickyMc said...

Hi Beth, I know a few Peters, and their all nice blokes, so it isn’t about any of them. I usually don’t decide on the names of my character(s) until I’m actually writing, and I try and fit something that is appropriate to what I have in my head at the time. Bit spooky about story 24 and 25 having a Peter in… would have been more scary if Rita was there as well… she’s a devil with those matches!

MickyMc said...

Cheers ChristineEldin glad you liked it… I’m sure that the tree would have survived!

MickyMc said...

Hi Remiman perhaps I should have called it Burning Love! Not sure if Knackered is in that widespread use outside of the North East of England… but perhaps you can manage to popularise it. I always try and voice my characters with a dialect, rather than the Queens English… so you might come across some other odd bits of language…

MickyMc said...

Hi pattinase (abbott) thank you :)

MickyMc said...

Hi DBA Lehane thanks, I think that there are more twist than people have realised!

MickyMc said...

Hi paisley Peter was as dry as sticks, a fitting fate perhaps?

MickyMc said...

Hi JLB glad you liked, thank you :)

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Disturbing and chilling tale - clever twist in the tail too. You manage to say a lot in very few words. Very well handled piece of writing.

BernardL said...

Entertaining read.

Sarah Hina said...

I liked the bookending of this piece with the text messages. That "CLEAR" spoke more loudly than words could.

Very engaging read!

bluesugarpoet said...

You've given hope to millions of women stuck in the dating slump with tired old bores. I loved your story!

pjd said...

LOL, DBA Lehane. Hadn't noticed that.

I love irony. And then the ouch at the end. Nope, she doesn't want to see him again. Good for her.

But I resent that he's named Peter.
:-)

SzélsőFa said...

I had to read it more than once to understand what was going on, than I noticed the second last line with 'nurses' and 'burning unit' and I saw it all.
Painful and funny at same time.
I especially like how the difficulties of the way uphill, their tiredness is represented.

MickyMc said...

Hi Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) I’m not if chilling is the right description for such an incendiary piece! Thanks for you very kind comments.

MickyMc said...

Thank you BernardL

MickyMc said...

Hi Sarah Hina glad you liked, perhaps this is a crossover genre of text fiction and short story! Cheers

MickyMc said...

Hi bluesugarpoet glad to be of help! Hope I don’t end up getting prosecuted if any one tries it for real :^)

MickyMc said...

Hi pjd … sorry, it’s not a slur on all Peter-kind! I have a number of good friends called Peter, and my favourite, now dead, uncle was called Peter… and no he wasn’t set on fire! Glad you liked the twist, and sub texts :^)

MickyMc said...

Thanks SzélsőFa I’m well versed in uphill struggles! Glad you liked the sory and the structures.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

I had someone's surgery in the back of my mind so the CU in the text, though I knew what it meant, made me think of ICU when the burn unit was mentioned, so, I read "CLEAR" as a doctor calling it out when they were going to use the defibrillator. Took me a second to realize it was the message, grin. Great story.

MickyMc said...

Wow Marcia (MeeAugraphie) that’s a super sized tangent! Perhaps if I rewrite it in a longer form I can work that in another sub plot :^) Glad you liked the story.

Aerin said...

I thought cuppa was a northeasterner comment, then I got to Home Counties, rucksack, etc. Love the setting & language! I thought "Clear" was in the hospital, too. Geez, I need to brush up on my texting!

jason evans said...

I like the twist that she is responsible for disfiguring him. Rough woman. Really rough.

Aine said...

Well, that's one way to end a relationship! Very creative. It would make an entertaining subplot in a bigger story... just saying...