Monday, February 25, 2008

Entry #42

Entry #42
The Weekend Went Much As Planned
by Ewen Nicolson


I told her I couldn’t meet her anymore, I told her that it was over. She dropped her head so I couldn’t see what was in her eyes. Tears? Yes, probably tears. She was sobbing, but almost silently, for which I was grateful. If you didn’t know better you would have been forgiven for thinking she was merely staring at her coffee. I got up to leave, not having bought anything, as I hadn’t anticipated that it would be anything other than the briefest of meetings. I stopped on the way to the door and looked back. She was still sitting with her head bowed. I walked back to her and she looked up at me through smeared mascara and grimy tears, a pleading look on her face. I put some coins on the formica table, to pay for the coffee. I’m not completely heartless, she’d get over it in a day or two, just as I would.

They say she had been hanging from the branches of the tree for two days when they cut her down. I was out of town on the day, much to my relief. The post-mortem found she had been pregnant. Terrible. To do that to an innocent life, sheer selfishness, only adding weight to the belief that I was right to curtail our dalliance. It would never have worked, though I still wonder to this day whose offspring she was carrying............

24 comments:

pjd said...

Nice sociopathic twist to the breaking up theme.

Ello said...

Wow! Great job with the unlikable protagonist! That last paragraph is really striking. WEll done!

Sarah Hina said...

Excellent voice and deadpan delivery here. His brutality is so much more cruel due to its casualness.

Very dark vision for the tree, but extremely well done. Great job!

Anonymous said...

Just to make sure...this is the comments section for entry 42, right?

I think entry 42 is well-written. You put much complexity into the 238 words. I like that I'm still scratching my head about the narrator after rereading the story a dozen times. He’s a complex character, and not easy to judge. He’s cold for sure, but I can’t say he’s cruel…

Jaye Wells said...

Ugh. I wanna punch this guy, which I assume is what you were going for. Good job.

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

A cold and disturbing piece of writing, which has been really well-handled - it feels almost psychopathic in its lack of emotionality. Excellent characterisation. Very well done.

DBA Lehane said...

Brilliantly written. I think the guy is getting a bad rap here though!

Rob said...

Frightening character, this one. He'd be a good antagonist in a longer piece, I think. Good job!

pattinase (abbott) said...

One cold dude. Nicely executed.

bluesugarpoet said...

His reaction to her death was heartless. Although it definitely makes me want to read a back story to find out if his reaction is warranted! Fantastic characterization!

Remiman said...

Ewen,
"sheer selfishness"
We know who the selfish one is now don't we?
Great character developement in so few words; magnificent.
rel

SzélsőFa said...

What a heartless cruel character - if that was the intention, that is done with excellence. Every word, thought and action conveys this to the reade. Well done.

iLL Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
iLL Man said...

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Cheers Szelsofa! It was very much my intention.

JLB said...

Very cold - this character must have a real closet-full!

iLL Man said...

Oh, no more than the average man or woman in the street.......

ChristineEldin said...

I think it's hard to write a loathsome character who so obviously thinks his actions are in the best interest in the other.
Very well done in such a short space.

Aerin said...

I agree it's well written, because I, too, just want to punch the guy. The change to pay for coffee was an excellent touch.

iLL Man said...

Hi! I see I gave jason the wrong link...... Theres some short fiction work on that blog, but you'd have to dig about in the archives for it. I post my short stories at the link below, along with those of an accomplice.....
http://fictiondepot.blogspot.com/

......Just so you know I don't always write stories about emotional cripples and sociopaths....... ;)

Thanks again for all the comments.

Ewen

JaneyV said...

I love a character that you can really loathe! This guy was hateful. A complete bastard.

Brilliant!

wrath999 said...

Wow talk about a heartless main character. The delivery is great

Linda Courtland said...

It's amazing how well you conveyed the inner workings of a sociopath in such a small space Great job!

jason evans said...

The heartlessness of the character was effective. The way he felt that everything was her fault. A well done, hateful character. High marks!

Aine said...

Ooooh-- let me at 'im! What a pathetic human.

Nice job creating a heartless character. He didn't do anything terrible (unless he knew she was pregnant before he left her), but his reaction to her death speaks volumes.