Friday, July 11, 2008

Entry #12

Bitch
by Henry Young


“Bitch” he hissed into the wind. His hand gripped the throttle tighter, fingers squeezing it into life. The bike jerked and the back wheel twisted slightly as the power came in but he corrected it easily and raised his leather boot clad feet onto the pegs.

He powered through second into third gear, accelerating hard, only easing back at about sixty five.
His heartbeat raced in time with the engine, he leaned left as the edges of the road bent into the darkness ahead of him.
He glanced back but the blackness quickly re-enveloped the world behind him.
Warm air rushed at his face, he blinked involuntarily as another moth skipped over the headlamp and tore past his face into the night.
Silvery slithers of moisture trailed from the corner of each eye, trails across the landscape of his cheek.

The bike slowed and stopped, he threw back his head, eyes closed to the stars above him. In his mind still burned a single image, through the blur of the grey net curtains, of her, sat between his legs, head buried in the bastard’s lap.

He switched off the engine, silence rushed at him from all around. He reached for the rope, limp, trailing from the back of the bike. The chink of the engine cooling broke the silence as he followed the rope back to its knotted end.
“Bitch” he whispered as he gently flicked dust filled hair from the face of the battered corpse.

25 comments:

wrath999 said...

Wow. Vicious. Great visuals.

'He glanced back but the blackness quickly re-enveloped the world behind him' great line.

I enjoyed it
alex

Nothingman said...

my kind of story :D

Superbly written!
but>"In his mind still burned a single image, through the blur of the grey net curtains, of her, sat between his legs, head buried in the bastard’s lap."

would definitely take a great gymnast, or maybe I have understood it in some other way :P

N

Charles Gramlich said...

Evil. I appreciate that.

JaneyV said...

Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that ending. Really well done. Nothing was given away. Even the wonderful line
He glanced back but the blackness quickly re-enveloped the world behind him.
hid the gruesome detail of his revenge.

So very well done!

K.Gilbert said...

Yikes...effective writing, though.

BernardL said...

Oh my... vividly done. :)

September said...

oh my indeed...I was not expecting that ending. Effective writing.

ChrisEldin said...

Nicely written--not overdone. I loved being surprised at the end.

Sarah Hina said...

Holy crap! That was unexpected.

Strong, driving writing here. Very sensory, and I love how the character's rage reverberated through that bike.

Very explosive ending. Fantastic interpretation!

The Grocer said...

Wow, Thanks everyone I wasn't quite expecting all these flattering comments.

Nothingman, you are quite right, with hindsight that sentence is ambiguous, maybe I should have made the rider female and left the sentence as it is. Short time frame on this results in a partially developed character.

Parabolist said...

The rage in this story was nothing short of palpable. Nice writing.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Jilted love is the cause of many a murder.

Well narrated!

Wannabe Writer said...

Talk about getting even. Great story telling. -Rita

JR's Thumbprints said...

"Dust filled hair" ... such strong imagery of a relationship gone wrong. Aptly titled story and one of my top five picks (so far). Good job.

Sheri said...

I sympathized with him and felt his pain. I felt sorry for him. But once I learned that he had killed her, I lost that connection with him immediately. I know everyone gave glowing reviews, but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think the writing was well done and his pain so real, and I know you were making a bold choice, but sometimes subtlety speaks louder, and personally, I wished he hadn't killed her. But I can see how that gave the reader surprise... I sure was!

Scott said...

Bravo on the title alone! I know what Sheri is saying, but I think it's that connection that is most scary, because of how closely we can relate to his feelings and then see where those feeling have taken the character.

Sheri said...

To add to what Scott is saying... I think this is one that would make for a better novel. If there is more character development and we know, say, he's not a psycho but was "driven' (no pun intended) to this point and we actually got there with him, I completely agree. But to do all that in 250 words! I don't know how many of you read Sherry Reynolds' Rapture of Canaan, but she did this very thing. I found myself in the mind of someone about the murder there child and was so shocked that I was able to go there in the MC's mind. That's amazing when a writer can do that - take you to the places you swear you'd NEVER go!

I commend your ability to reach for this in 250 words, Henry.

Sheri said...

sorry for the typo.. that's 'their' child not 'there.'

Beth said...

Dang, man, vicious is right! IF she hadn't deserved it, I'd be horrified. (j/k)

angel said...

bucking frilliantly awesome!!!
wow!

Vesper said...

Well written, powerful images, not for the faint of heart…

Dottie said...

Very strong writing and character development. You made his rage so visceral I had to look away a couple of times. Excellent, excellent story.

laughingwolf said...

damn! i know i posted here, too grrr

totally unexpected end, love it!

Aine said...

Wow-- great twist! I was actually feeling sorry for him, then his true colors were revealed. I thought his attention to details was so realistic-- trying to keep his thoughts away from the painful memories.

Good job!

jason evans said...

Great description of the feeling of riding! As for the story, gruesome. Sounds like she had good reason to want someone else.

High marks. Great job!