Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Entry #51

You Don’t Know Who You’re Dealing With, Do You?
by Ewen Nicolson


I’m behind the clock and I have to deliver. I take a left at the crescent, down the hill, gathering speed, crouched behind the bars, a devotee at the church of aerodynamics. What was it old Kev Schwantz used to say?

“See God, then back off....

Many people want me to die. Some for good reason, others for no reason at all. They all have their chances and I don’t always make it hard for them.

It’s the way of my kind.

The roads are quiet and I open her out, feel the power throb through the bars, the hum and rumble of the engine and road surface, the trees at the side of the road pressing down on me, accentuating the sense of speed. My mother had warned me about this sort of work, but nights like this always made it worthwhile.

A gravel driveway leads me to the door of a large white building. I park the bike and extract the package, checking my flanks for possible attacks. I press the doorbell and wait........

“You’re late! Let me check this stuff.”

“It’s not very hot, is it? I asked for Meat Feast, not Pepperoni!! And I said no bloody pineapple on the Special! Jesus! you people! Take it all back, I’m not payin’ for this crap..........”

The door slams, but I know he’s bluffing. I wait for the lights to go out then post it, bit by bit, through his letterbox. He’ll thank me in the morning..............

15 comments:

Scott said...

I'm not sure I get it, but I think the protag is simply crazy?

September said...

LOL - love it.
That'll teach him.
Pizza delivery guys aren't appreciated as much as they should be.

This one delivers.
good work.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Those damn drug runner pizza guys never let up!

JaneyV said...

Everything about this was terrific. The way you wrote about the ride had me feeling the wind in my hair. The build up to the dangerous job - then the comical reveal that he was a pizza-delivery boy with a Dirty Harry attitude - Absolute joy!

iLL Man said...

Scott - He's certainly a few cans short of a six pack.

September - It's a job I'd hate to do. For me, there is a revenge thing in there, just in general about customers who blame the messenger. In my mind though, the delivery guy is sticking the pizza through the door because, well, he thinks the guy should have his pizza. Doesn't want him to go hungry......

James - In that case I think our hero might have consumed his 'delivery' ;)

Janeyv - Pretty much what I was aiming at. The only thing I missed was a refernce to his 'moped' at the end, just to ram the punchline home.

Sarah Hina said...

As a former pizza delivery gal, I loved this! It's never our fault, dammit...

The humorous ending was made more effective by the powerful writing that came before. You really had me believing that the sword was about to fall.

Great job!

Missy said...

I love how his mom had warned him about the work! This had me laughing. Good stuff!

Aerin said...

BOTH my brothers have been pizza delivery guys, although not on motorcycles. "Many people want me to die." and "It's the way of my kind" are such deliciously dark comments, I was cheering for him as he "delivered" the pizza through the letterbox.

iLL Man said...

Sarah - Thanks! Wasn't sure about the build up, but the more I re-read it, the more I think it does the job.

Missy - Cheers! Laughing is good, glad you liked the punchline.

Aerin - I was trying to get that 'way of the warrior' feel to him. His honour depends on fulfilling his destiny. ;)

Posolxstvo I said...

I, too, am a former pizza delivery dude, although I used a car. I can't tell you how many times a customer practically begged for some sort of retribution. Jamming the pizza through the mail slot -- never thought of that.

Imagine being the homeowner heading out the next morning and seeing that all over your entryway. :)

laughingwolf said...

hahaha i can just picture this ;)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Lol!That was cool :)

I liked the way you have blended powerful words with such a simple theme in mind.

SzélsőFa said...

A great piece from you, Ewen:)
One never knows where evil may come from....

iLL Man said...

Laughingwolf - I'm just hoping I don't give some people ideas about how to deliver pizza ;)

Sameera - Thanks! It started out as something a bit more 'hard boiled', but it's hard to resist a daft gag.

Szelsofa - Cheers! Evil came through this guy's letter box =D

Sorry I haven't been over to comment on yr piece Szelsofa. It's been a busy week and I've been away in the countryside all weekend (photos up soon on my blog, you'll like them I think =D)

jason evans said...

Ha! Through the letter box indeed. I like the guy's style. Nicely inventive. High marks.