Friday, October 03, 2008

Some Serious Sh!t

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to come down from the usual frivolity here at The Clarity of Night, because today I was faced with a topic of utmost seriousness.

No, my bank didn't fail (yet). No, I didn't suffer a psychotic break during the Biden/Palin debate (please make no inference from the order of these names other than alphabetizing, or, in the alternative my strong preference).

What would you do in this situation:

You're in the offices of a center city law firm. Not the best law firm, but pretty dang respectable. You're preparing to do your stand-up business in the marble-ish bathroom. (Sorry ladies. We're talking the old gush and go. Zippers are such convenient things.)

Suddenly, there is an emphatic blurt from a closed stall.

I know. Indiscretion. It happens.

You're getting ready to move the move the material for off-loading, and you happens.

No biggie.

But then, as I'm thinking about liquid sunshine and warm rivers and tall glasses of lemonade, there's another.

Higher tone. A little more restrained.

Yeah, he was trying harder to keep the bottom-ly baritone to a bare breeze. But, again, you know. More effort doesn't necessary mean discrete gas. Sometimes it means a rising, almost questioning tone. Like, what? Oh was that me?

Maybe not quite as easy to dismiss, I'm returning to the visions of golden rains when, blaaaaaaaaah, bluuuurt, bleephth.

All hell is breaking loose.

You can even hear the half panic/half sighing acceptance of the dude.

There are new notes involved. Vibrato. Complex harmonies.

Basically, Close Encounters of the Third Kind is going down in my bathroom. And this time, I don't want to hitch a ride with the freaky thin aliens.

I'm an adult, right?

Do I laugh?

Do I let slip the slightest snicker?

Because, my friend, I'm biting my lip and practically crying at this point. I'm hoping to God that no one comes in and catches me this way.

I pull away from the urinal, zip up, and hurry to the sink. The smile has broken through regardless, but at least I haven't spit/burst into raucous laughter.

I move my hands to the faucet for the automatic water, and no sooner does the sound of the stream fill the room when,


Another sigh.

Dude made it. Good for him.

We all know the sink/flush rule: any extracurricular noises occuring at the onset, or during, the active running of any water source, eliminates the existence of such indulgences, regardless of whether actually heard or not heard at the moment, or progress of, discharge.

Chalk one up for effort. Despite finding himself on the ropes there, he sucked up enough gumption from down deep to hold the big finale until he had cover.

Ah, the sink/flush rule.

Dude had (f)heart.

(Thank you for the indulgence. We'll now be returning to normal Clarity of Night levity.)


Selma said...

A writer, a philosopher and a guy who likes toilet humour. A man after my own (f)eart. LOL.

Michele said...

I almost spewed my morning oatmeal with this post.

Thanks for the insight!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Lol!What a sneak peek into a guys' restroom :P

Aerin said...

OMG, I think you're channelling Ello while she's in the midst of her revision......

Hoodie said...

Wow. I needed that laugh. My kids want to know what's so funny. Hmmm.

Potty humor gets me everytime, much to DHs chagrine.

Miladysa said...

Very witty! :-D

Vesper said...

This was excellent, Jason! Thank you! :-) :-) :-)

I hope you got out of there before you could meet the guy...


Charles Gramlich said...

Oh yeah, no levity here.

Sarah Hina said...

Tell the truth, Jason--you waited around the corner to have a peek when he (all sweaty and walking fast) finally emerged.


So funny! I was there, man...

beth♥ said...

Hilarious! I needed a good laugh this afternoon! Whew!

Aggie said...

Very, very funny ... but better to read it than experience it with associated fumes ... though I'm sure the sound effects were wonderful. Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go as they say. Lol!

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

When I saw the title, I thought maybe you wrote a piece on some potent form of cannabis...
or on a .9 millimeter Beretta - 15 in the mag, one up the pipe, wide ejection port, no feed jams - no stovepipes - you know, some serious sh!t.

I didn't know the title was going to go with the subject matter so literally, man. I have to say Jason, you had me flushing, er...I mean blushing!

Farrago said...

As a teen I was in the same sort of scenario, only the setting was the bathroom in the basement church hall (when I went to such a place).

Everything went down as you wrote it. I left after draining the trouser troll, but only a few minutes later the man in the stall emerged from the bathroom...and it was my Uncle Ray!!

Nobody knew why I was laughing so hard at no other apparent provocation!

tea and cake said...

It felt rude to even read this! *blush*

Authors Promoting Authors said...

Thank you for the laughs!

ybonesy said...

Post-debate indigestion, perhaps?

jason evans said...

Selma, I like to be multi-faceted. Even in matters of the potty. :D

Michele, yes!!! At least I got one good spew. Great to see you, BTW! :)

Sameera, I'm sure a peek is all you want. Girls' bathrooms are much cooler.

Aerin, believe it or not, I was thinking just that as I was writing it!

Hoodie, having someone ask you what the heck is so funny is second only to the spew. Thanks!!!

Miladysa, I was contemplating what post I wanted to do later as I entered the bathroom. Little did I know inspiration was moments away.

Vesper, glad you enjoyed the interlude. :D I hustled out before I saw who it was. Anonymity preserved.

Charles, gravely serious. Gravely.

jason evans said...

Sarah, dude, I was dying! As for seeing the person...I didn't want to know. We're all better off that way. ;)

Beth, very glad to oblige! :) I think quite a few of us needed one. Me included.

Aggie, it was downright symphonic. But the thing is, I may know what it's like to struggle on the other "end" of this situation. Once or twice. ;)

Kaye, LOL! I see you know your serious sh!t. I'm impressed! I hope this wasn't too traumatizing. At least I've kept up the notion that you never know what you're going to get on this blog. :)

Farrago, oh man. The stranger who turns into your family member.... I hope Uncle Ray was feeling better. And you too after you finally choking down the laughter! :D

Tea and Cake, not the usual menu here, yes. Hopefully, it wasn't too shocking.

Authors Promoting Authors, thank you for finding it funny! Humor can be even more unnerving to write than other things. It doesn't always lend itself to cold words on a page.

Ybonesy, you know, you may be onto something there. :)

S.A.M.B.I.T said...

nice post....

Scott said...

Man, I've been that guy in a crowded bathroom with people waiting. It's god-awful. I ended up holding it and absolutely suffering because I didn't want to make all that noise. Have mercy! (I've been on the receiving end of it too, and it's hard to pretend it's not happening).

jason evans said...

S.A.M.B.I.T., thank you!

Scott, I've been the jockey on the other side. All the more reason to see the humor. We can always use a good laugh at ourselves.

Scott said...

It would be totally liberating not to care and just give the crowd a good laugh. I wish I were like that!