Friday, January 09, 2009

Entry #37

Going Down
by Patsy Collins


Melissa's thoughts followed the guy wearing jeans as he rode the escalator. Just a normal guy; the type she wanted and could never have. While under the protection of Billy, Melissa couldn't have anything; not even hope.

“What you waiting for?” Billy demanded. His sharp tone matched his smart suit. “You forgotten the plan?”

“No, Billy. I act like we're in love. We follow Fingers an' Baz into the jeweller's an' look at pricey rings. I pick the flashiest an' try it on, then flash 'em me assets. Then I faints. Baz'll act shifty, distracting those as ain't lookin' at me an' Fingers grabs the loot.”

“Good girl, Cupcake.”

“It's not though, is it? Good, I mean.”

“You got a better plan?”

“Would you listen if I had?”

“'Course not. Girls ain't no good at planning. Don't worry yoursel' though Cupcake. Just do as Billy says an' we'll be going up in the world.”

They rode the escalator, passing the beauticians. Melissa glanced in.

“No point, Cupcake. They ain't got nothing worth stealing.”

Melissa once stole herself away from Billy. He found her. Re-educated her where the bruises wouldn't spoil her usefulness as a decoy.

In the jewellers Melissa simpered and fainted.

Outside they divided the loot. The dazzling gems didn't impress Melissa. The flash of a shield did.

“Billy Morgan, you're going down,” the police officer said. He pulled handcuffs from his jeans pocket.

“You' ain't the only one with a plan, Billy,” Melissa explained. “Mine's witness protection.”

29 comments:

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

I guess conscience always gets the better of us someday.

Nice take!

Lena said...

Liked your take on this. In the end everyone gets what he deserves, isnt it?

harshad said...

cool! liked the end

JaneyV said...

I know it was modern but it had the feel of Dickens' Fagin to me. I'm so glad she had a plan.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Fabulous!
Good for her!

BernardL said...

See ya, Billy! :)

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

good voice and nice storytelling

laughingwolf said...

very nice twist, thank you :)

Sarah Hina said...

Excellent voice, and sweet revenge! I really enjoyed your dialogue--it flowed nicely, and felt authentic.

Strong writing, Patsy. The characters came to life.

Patsy said...

Thanks everyone for such lovely comments.

sawan said...

wow, tht was an interestin turn of events!

peggy said...

Love it! Just revenge, good writing for sure!

Peter said...

Superb writing!

JR's Thumbprints said...

In the beginning she's under the protection of the bad guy, but in the end her protection changes. Nicely done.

littlesaintnick1995 said...

Loved the dialogue and the ending. Excellent voice.

LV said...

perfectly packed story

Tiffany said...

Really good, loved the ending and the voices of the characters brought it all to life.

hannah said...

I guess teh boys misunderstood her true assets :)

C.A. Riddell said...

Finally, got a chance to read this! Particularly like how you worked in the guy in jeans. Going down, perfect word play. Love it.

Well done and good luck,

Carrie x

David Cranmer said...

Strong storytelling especially the dialogue. Nice surprise ending too.

Margaret said...

Seems she was much more than a "Cupcake". More like a huge cream cake to me..

Well written...

Catvibe said...

Great story, your characters accents come through loud and clear, and I am rally hella glad that he got what was coming to him. Good girl indeed! Nice writing,

Terry said...

Patsy, I read through this story several times, and it just kept getting better. You crammed so much life into 250 words. Your opening paragraph speaks volumes. As I was reading, I really heard your characters' voices. I like the juxtaposition of Billy saying they'll be going up in the world, and then they jump on the escalator, which is the only "up" Billy will be doing. Really great writing!

bluesugarpoet said...

She's no "Cupcake," but she is one smart cookie! Loved the dialogue and the ending. - jana

Prashant Dhanke said...

Easy and engaging read with a great plot. Hope she gets the guy in jeans :).

Patsy said...

Thanks everyone. I did feel I was getting to know the characters and I'm tempted to do a longer version.

Terry, that going up in the world bit was my starting point for the story - glad it works for you!

September said...

Beautiful. Gotta love a girl with a plan. Great dialogue and perfect ending. He's going down, she definitely moved up. :)
Way to go Cupcake!

ceedy said...

Could visualize the story. Good writing...

jason evans said...

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!