Sunday, January 11, 2009

Entry #53

You Have No Right
by Karen


They stood at the base of the escalator, Sam’s hand on her wrist, his eyes looking everywhere but at hers. He felt the heft of the gun as it settled under his arm and wondered briefly if she knew it was there, cocooned between them. But then he knew that she did. She knew everything about him.

Travelers brushed by, and she moved aside for a young couple trying to position a stroller sideways on the bottom step. She watched them with a face that said, “That could have been us.”

“Well, I guess this is it,” she said.

He leaned in to make out her words over the sound of the approaching train, and the smell of her hit him like a punch, that scent he had breathed on his skin and his pillow for so long, the smell he had hunted on the things left behind when she had gone. It almost did him in, that scent. It almost made him weaken. It almost made him want to let her go.

“You have the right to remain silent,” he began, and this time he looked straight into her eyes, surprised when his voice came out strong.

“But here’s the thing. They’ll never believe you didn’t know,” she said, and she tipped onto her toes and lightly pressed her lips to his, never taking her eyes away.

“You’ll never convince them you didn’t know,” she said, as he watched her ride upward into the night.

20 comments:

JR's Thumbprints said...

As a reader, my first reaction is: What did she do? But the focal point has more to do with him, how he got too close, too personal, with her. You did a good job of depicting that.

laughingwolf said...

cop gone 'bad'? love it :D

Lena said...

i surely enjoyed reading this one. well done!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Love makes people do strange things!Beautiful portrayal :)

peggy said...

This had lots of interesting things going for it. Good stuff!!

BernardL said...

Intricate interaction.

Leatherdykeuk said...

I feel for him!

Sarah Hina said...

Karen, I loved how you depicted the control in the relationship and how it seemed to see-saw. Of course, she was in charge the whole time.

Nicely subtle, but powerful writing. Very intriguing take, with a nice mix of cold and heat. Well done! :)

Jaye Wells said...

This line: "the smell of her hit him like a punch, that scent he had breathed on his skin and his pillow for so long, the smell he had hunted on the things left behind when she had gone" is awesome! I could picture the story that came before this climax pretty clearly. Great job!

Jennifer said...

This is really well done. I want to know more about her!

anna j said...

Yikes--I'm on the edge of my seat now :-)

Selma said...

You could definitely develop this into a longer piece. The tension was very well created and left the reader wanting more!!

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Boy, is that honest writing or what?? It's from the gut.

Great tension between the two. I don't know who I feel more sorry for, him or her.

I loved this!

Karen said...

Thanks to everyone who has left a comment. This is the first time I've participated in this sort of community, and I feel honored that you've taken the time to read my piece and write a few words.

The whole experience -- reading and writing -- has been great fun!

Catvibe said...

This is excellent writing in your portrayal of the tension between them, and his fatal attraction to her. Wow, nothing like a little passion to rip someones life up into shreds. I wonder what she did? I'm very intrigued.

pjd said...

I like how she appears to feel regret but in the end we learn that he's the one with the real regret, and she's just cold. I also like that we don't get to know what she did.

bluesugarpoet said...

Did she wish that she and the cop could have been like that couple, or was she silently thankful that it didn't have to come to that? I love the ambiguity there - it leaves us wondering if she really is as heartless and conniving as she appears to be at the end, or is she just trying to save him a whole lot of trouble...

Great story!

Jana

Aniket Thakkar said...

Love and deception.... perfect mix for a great story... and this piece is exactly that! Loved every word of it!

September said...

Perfect combination for a great story. Loved it.

jason evans said...

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!