Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Entry #80

Uncle Cyril
by The Preacherman


Uncle Cyril liked elevators. They were easier than stairs. Stairs meant adjusting his artificial leg to ‘climb’ or ‘descend’ mode.

It was all the sheep’s fault of course. Mind you, in fairness, the motorcycle and sidecar hadn’t helped.

Uncle Cyril was a poacher. He trapped rabbits and sold them to the local butcher.

“Any sheep?” asked the butcher one fateful day.

Uncle Cyril progressed from rabbits to sheep and from traps to motorcycle massacre.

He bounced across the moors and ran over sheep.

The deceased and slightly flattened sheep would be deposited in the motorcycles sidecar and taken to the butcher.

After several successful and profitable sheep runs the unfortunate day dawned.

The flock stood benignly chewing the cud as Cyril opened the gate to the field.

He hit a large ewe which, to Cyril’s surprise, continued to chew the cud.

The motorcycle and sidecar bounced off the ewe, tipped over and crushed Cyril’s leg.

Amputation followed.

An artificial leg was installed where Cyril’s leg had been.

Uncle Cyril’s artificial leg now rests with my father as it fell off at an inopportune moment as we buried my father. It slid into the grave and remains there to this day.

Uncle Cyril died tragically leaping onto a moving bus and landing on the leg he no longer had.

He rolled off the bus and was squashed.

Somewhat bizarrely the bus drivers surname was Ewe.

This is a true story.

Trust me I’m from Oldham……

25 comments:

Lena said...

didnt expect the deaths here... somehow got me surprised.. dont know, kinda expected a peaceful story :D
Anyways well done :)

PS: really a true story? :D

laughingwolf said...

lol... that's so funny!

BernardL said...

Enjoyably fresh look at events. :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Woah!Liked the transition from humor to horror :)

Well done!

The Preacherman said...

ta very much peeps.

horror? you should hear how Uncle Patrick went!!!

yep. Surreal but true. Fortunately I was adopted or the families genes would be in me...

Now Uncle Patrick made his own alcohol and it took the fire brigade....well that's for another day ;-)

off to read some more now. You're all very good you know.

cheers

Nothingman said...

HOORAY!!!!! Preacherman rocks!!!

amazing story, seems like Uncle Cyril had some sikh genes in him, cuz that's totally the thing one of them would do :D

Cheers!!

N

JR's Thumbprints said...

I see you didn't include an escalator in your story, yet you escalated your story. Hmmmm, interesting take on the photo prompt.

JaneyV said...

Hey Preacherman - thanks for the laughs. Honestly I think this would make a brilliant short film. I love the escalation of events and how one bizarre happening leads onto another. And I think the bus-driver's name being Ewe was an absolute gem.

Loved it!

B. Nagel said...

That was hilarious. Reminded me a lot of Roald Dhal's "Danny, the Champion of the World."

Sarah Hina said...

Ha! I loved the increasingly bizarre progression to your tale, Preacherman. It really did climb the steps of absurdity. :)

I laughed out loud at the driver's name being Ewe! That said, I think I'm going to trust ewe (sorry, had to do it). ;) Great, funny take!

BrownPhantom said...

This has to be a true story. The honesty shines through the piece.

Even the falling of artifical leg at father's burial seems a divine intervention.

So many events bind together in 250 words is a great achievement.

The Preacherman said...

you've made a daft old northern bloke blush.

ta peeps.

wrath999 said...

Cool, humorous and great take on picture.

RiverSoul said...

I'm shaking with maniacal laughter as i read this story.
Just loved the dark humour.
:)
And i must say, the driver's name really got me off the edge...
Really witty.
:)
Gr8 work preacherman
:)
Ps.
Thanks for reading my story :)
:)

punxxi said...

You are awesome, as always !Love your stories!

Karen said...

This is too funny! So bizarre you know there has to be an element of truth -- stranger than fiction.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Its about time someone got up and shouted "Why so Serious?"... That was brutal humor man!!! Great wits! You officially have got my vote!

Would definitely go through your preachings... loved your location on the profile though "Shit Town. Shit Country" lolz! And Occupation: Revolution... boy that cracked me up... You know where to contact me if you ever want recruits! :-D

Anonymous said...

Odd. And damn entertaining. A favorite.
John McAuley

Scott said...

You crazy cat! This was really funny.

Catvibe said...

An absolute delight. Loved your ability to tell a tale, would love to hear you read this!

Aniket Thakkar said...

I have written a scary movie of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time! http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/01/fyeo-ascension-revisited.html

You are a character in it as well! :-D

bluesugarpoet said...

There's a limerick in there just waiting to be written. Hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh. :)

jana

The Preacherman said...

I have so enjoyed reading all your stories. Thank you.

And thank you for being nice to me.

I look forward to the next little competition. Don't care where I finish, just enjoyed meeting you all and being here.

Let's be careful out there

Preacher x

September said...

lol - funny and then strange and then funny....nice

jason evans said...

Great job on entertainment value!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!