Monday, February 09, 2009

Why Don't You Come Over?




"Don't open your eyes," she said.

"Okay, okay. Geez," he said. "What are you going to do?"

"You'll see."

"I don't know about this."

"Trust me," she said.

He flinched at each little sound. "I don't think I've told you yet how much I don't like surprises."

"No, you didn't."

"Well...I don't like--"

"Shhhh!" she said. "Now, breathe. Nice and slow."

He drew in, and a scent tickled in his nose.

"Wow," he said. "That's really nice."

"Don't talk. Just see."

See?

Okay.

He concentrated on the blackness. Dipped into it. Like charcoal bathwater.

"Do you see it?" she said.

He squeezed at the dark harder. Clutched it. When he felt the tension pinch in his forehead, he spread-eagled onto it and surrendered.

"Here," she said. "Try this one."

Another world pushed at the edge of his vision.

The emptiness tinged with a color. Soft purples. Points of scent poked beneath a gossamer curtain.

"Mmmmm. I like that one," he said.

"Zinnia," she said.

"I can see it."

"Okay," she said. "Breathe again."

The scent fluttered away. The blackness thickened.

"Are you ready?" she said.

"Mmmm hmmm."

"Now," she said.

Dusty age and intimacy blossomed. Secret places. An attic blanket of summertime.

His mind tasted the word. Rose.

The barest touch of her lips brushed his.

His skin shivered from his neck to the backs of his legs.

"Don't open your eyes," she whispered.

No.

Not for all the world.

21 comments:

Aggie said...

I like the charcoal bathwater. What a great pic to go with the idea of being able to "see" a delicious scent. I certainly identify with the Rose/attic association. Great stuff!

J.C. Montgomery said...

"He squeezed at the dark harder. Clutched it. When he felt the tension pinch in his forehead, he spread-eagled onto it and surrendered."

I like how it took so much effort to understand nothingness so that what followed could be appreciated more for its vibrancy; the mind as well as the senses must be prepared properly.

Sarah Hina said...

That photo is gorgeous!!! Wow. :) Deeper than sight.

And the words are warm magic. I liked his yielding here. Each breath initially brings the sharp suspense of uncertainty, but is answered with the softest of touches. A secret garden springing into full bloom. :)

An attic blanket of summertime is the soul of a rose.

SzélsőFa said...

Hm, very sensual :)

paisley said...

as always you shine when it comes to conversational prose...

Meghan said...

He concentrated on the blackness. Dipped into it. Like charcoal bathwater.

Ooooooh. Nice.

McKoala said...

Yes, very sensual, that's the right word.

Eerie photo. Now, that's one I could write a story about!

Catvibe said...

Is someone having fun with someone's new macro lens? Hmmmmm???

I love the vignette. So delicate, like the petals of a flower. Delighting in curiosity and sensual treats.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

This is deliciously brilliant! The feel of it is diaphanously dark - fantasy driven.

There are so many favorite lines,
but these stood out for me -

The emptiness tinged with a color. Soft purples. Points of scent poked beneath a gossamer curtain.

I think these lines make the perfect blurb for this vignette.

jason evans said...

Aggie, thanks! You've named my favorite elements too. I had fun creating this abstract picture.

J.C. Montgomery, that's a great observation! Some hyper-awareness of ourselves is probably necessary before we can let ourselves go.

Sarah, this photo was at the maximum magnification of the lens, and I was playing with aperture. The result was a razor-thin field of view (not good), but I really liked the soft color of the out of focus portions. I figured I could rescue it with some abtract treatment. As for the rose, I find it to be the most mysteriously intimate of all scents.

Szelsofa, I wasn't planning on writing this piece, but when I saw the picture again, it made me think of a scent made visual.

Paisley, thank you! I'm hoping to rely heavily on dialog in my novel too.

Meghan, glad you felt warmly immersed in that description!

McKoala, when I first made the photo, I thought of some kind of weird alternate reality. Like a Star Trek episode.

Catvibe, I want to experiment MORE with the lens! I'll be a mad scientist this summer. Thanks for the kind words on the vignette.

Kaye, yes, those thoughts were a marriage of the soft senses with the photo. Seeing behind his eyes. The magic of what she is showing him.

Jennifer said...

This is exquisite! We are as much putty in the author's hands as he is in hers.

And I love that you see scents. :)

CLAY said...

Beautiful peace, it flows in such a manner that one's mind may create the images for the scene--Splendid.

Karen said...

I think conversation is one of the hardest things to write well, and you do an outstanding job with it. This is perfectly whole, a sensual treat for him and for us.

Vesper said...

Fantastic photo, Jason, these phantomatic fingers of flowers, bearing scents that lure you from the blackness or blankness...

The vignette is a feast for the senses, scents into images, very beautiful...

There's something waiting for you at my site. :-)

jason evans said...

Jennifer, putty, eh? :) I'll keep trying to fashion nice things.

Clay, thank you! I very much attempt to write to similate how we perceive and think.

Karen, I hear a lot of writers say that about dialog. I must be weird in that I find dialog to be the easiest element. I'm not complaining. ;)

Vesper, beautifully described! I do think of scents as points of color, like the photo. And thank you for recognizing me and The Clarity of Night!!

Rab said...

Exhilarating.

one more believer said...

the beauty of trust and closing one eyes to open our senses... captured beautifully in a few words...

jason evans said...

Rab, much appreciated!

One More Believer, the truest essence of the moment...thank you. :)

Sarah Laurenson said...

Ahhhhhh. How lovely. I really liked this.

jason evans said...

Thanks, Sarah. :) Glad you enjoyed the piece.

bluesugarpoet said...

Delicious. So he really does like surprises after all... I, too, like this vignette.