Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Entry #111

Remorse
by Aditi


“But she and that filth made me do it!” Steve said, staring at Ben.

“How people ogled at her; she was something! I loved her. But Renée hadn’t wanted me that way for a long time, Ben! She was out every evening while I…counted on wine. And there were her lies! As if I didn’t know she wasn’t just friends with that bastard!” Steve clutched the glass. Ben stared back.

“I thought that's what you were, a bastard. You weren’t… mine. I was patient, Ben - I waited; I took the tests on you--results took too long…” Steve took a swig. “That night, I saw her with him, again! I was enraged. I had a glass too many…”

“There you were, sleeping. I don’t know why, I thought this would be Renée’s lesson….” Steve whispered. “Blood is much like wine.... everyday I dirty my hands in it, Ben. Yet, my hands trembled. And… in a moment, you lay still, silenced!”

“Then they blamed her…took Renée away. I was careful even in that drunk state. It’s natural to us doctors…” He sobbed “…and now I got those results in my hands…it says you were…My son…not his! Maybe so was your mother…my wife…. too late…” Steve closed his eyes.

“But you were brave, son. You didn’t cry… just a little. So brave…” Steve mumbled, and put down the silver photo frame back on the mantelpiece as the glass slipped from his grip, and on the cream rug, staining it red.

33 comments:

Laurel said...

Very unsettling. *shudder*

Sarah Laurenson said...

Wow. I really hate this guy and yet I feel for him in some way. Very thin line to walk there and you did an excellent job. But I really do hate this guy. :-)

laughingwolf said...

not a nice guy...

aditi said...

Hi Laurel,
Yes I know... but I am glad it had d desired effect!

Hello Sarah,
Glad you like. Yes, there's so thin a line between sanity and insanity.

Hey laughingwolf,
Oh for sure not nice... not sane either. But who decided what sane means?

Aimee Laine said...

Wow. Sucks for him! He's living in his own prison now! Great writing!

Laurel said...

Aditi:

It was intended as a compliment. Clearly this is not a warm and fuzzy tale!

aditi said...

Hi Aimee,

Glad you thought so, thanks. But I am not that sure he's convinced he did wrong considering the circumstances ;)


Hi Laurel,
Well I was hoping it turns out that way and you were the first to say so, so thanks! I realised you meant well.Especially cos I havent tried this before so that means a lot :D

Catvibe said...

D'oh! What a terrible mistake! Very sad, and like the others, this guy is just one major error in the genepool.

The Preacherman said...

ouch!

well written and what Sarah says.



Four Dinners

JR's Thumbprints said...

It's okay to make the reader work for the story but I think I would've introduced that photo frame near the beginning. Make their dialogue come full circle, back to that pic. Interesting emphasis on various words.

laughingwolf said...

a societal concept, methinks...

aditi said...

Hello Preacherman,
Thanks! If you felt the pinch, I'm happy :)


Hi JR's Thumbprints,
Hmm... nice angle, maybe I can work it that way as a version two especially when there isn't a 250 word limit ;)
Thats how the emphasis came out actually to best put across (as per me) the underlying emotions.

Rohan said...

Awesome Adi...

Thats where i like it...when he puts the frame down...

Amrita said...

ohkayyy!!!
It did shake me up a little. And ya i love d last part too when he puts down the frame. Also, i want to hate this guy, but i can't somehow...
Good to see u here. Nice work.. :)

Patsy said...

Despite knowing that what he's done is very wrong, I couldn't help having a little sympathy for him.

I was a little confused on first reading, because I thought there were two people speaking.

aditi said...

@Laughingwolf,
Societal concepts, can seem so hollow at times, eh?

Hi Rohan,
Glad u like, but u flatter me. Hey I like that :)

Heya Amrita,
Where's YOUR entry? and go ahead hate him, I ok with that.
:P


Hi Patsy,
As I said, his whole helplessness lies in the fact that he isnt that convinced he did wrong at all.

I can imagine you getting confused. Good you told me, i need hints n tips to work it right.

Kurt Hendricks said...

I really, really liked this. Excellent job of slowly pulling back the curtain as your story unfolds.

Aniket said...

Eeeeks! So not cool!

Can't agree more with Sarah L. I really really do hate this guy. To take out grudge on a kid is highly unmanly.

You have done you job well with this piece by creating such a character whom everyone despises.

Good show!

Amanda F. said...

Powerful voice in this interesting adaptation of a monologue. I feel sorry for Ben.

September said...

He won't get away with it. His conscious will torture him forever.
This made me shiver. Good work.

Ranee Kaur Banerjee said...

Aditi, Everybody's talking about "the guy" and he's well drawn. I also think you've made a real character out of that poor, brave child even without saying too much about him.

Yes, I'm really disturbed by your story. But that's what you wanted, isn't it?

aditi said...

Hey Kurt,
Thanks a lot, especially for the ""really, really"!!!


Hi Aniket,
Did u like it? Yeah it took some doing on my part since I've never chartered this unfamiliar gory territory :)


Hello Amanda
Yeah, poor Ben. Little did he know that daddy isn't gonna save the day.


Hello September,
Thanks a lot! Don't you wish he burns in hell?

Hello Ranee,
Yah, well you got that right, I am happy if you're purturbed!
Quite insightful of you to notice that AND the bit about Ben. :)

BernardL said...

Yikes!

pjd said...

Like Sarah, I hate this guy. Unlike her, I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever. I really do hate this guy.

aditi said...

Hey Bernard,
Yikes is the word :)

Hi PJD
Oh he is hateful,now I think I must have been particularly pissed at the time I wrote this.
:D

Chris Eldin said...

You stirred deep emotion in such a short piece. There seems like unresolved anger in here...

JR's Thumbprints said...

Well, after a second reading, I would've definitely introduced that photo frame near the beginning. God, I hope I'm not pestering you. I'm just trying to read back over the entries to make my picks and it ain't easy.

Dottie Camptown said...

I like the picture frame at the end. Yes, I did read it twice, but sometimes in reading so many entries I can move too quickly as a reader. This was wrenching and sad and I felt upset that he killed his son even thinking it was not his son. The fact I felt such strong emotions is evidence that you did a great job.

Tessa said...

Oooh, that made the hairs prickle on the back of my neck. Very well written piece, cleverly told and held together in under 250 words. Well done indeed!

Ashish said...

I had to read twice to perceive the story completely. Was a little complex for me. But loved the way u conjured deep emotions in it. The short reference to his son was spectacular. Can feel for poor Steve, a true victim of his own illusion.

JaneyV said...

What a disgusting amoral character - you wrote him really well. It's a real skill to evoke such emotion in your readers.

jason evans said...

Ouch. Yeah, should have gotten those results first. Now it can't be undone.

Jaye Wells said...

It's interesting how people can paint themselves the victim even as they're victimizing others. Great job.