Friday, July 10, 2009

Entry #22

"Our Father Who Art in Heaven..."
by Margaret Sagri


"Jimmy, hurry up! Stop messing about with your cereal"

Jimmy stared at his bowl, reluctantly bringing the spoon to his mouth. His stomach struggled to digest the soggy cornflakes.

Two minutes later, his mom grabbed the half-finished bowl.

"Shoes on. We're off."

-

"What's the matter with you? Don't you realise how lucky you are? I thought you loved camping!"

Jimmy's non-blinking eyes stared at the unseen landscape as the car sped forward.

"Thank God Fr. Grant organises these trips for you boys. How on earth could I afford to send you on vacation otherwise? You should be so grateful to him."

-

"Grab your bag. Come on, the bus won't wait for you!"

Jimmy flinched as he felt the warm hand touch his shoulder. He visualised Fr. Grant's sly grin without looking up. With eyes glued to his own shabby shoes he pulled his battered bag behind him, oblivious to the laughter and shouts of the other boys.

Soft snores rang in his ears as Jimmy felt his alert body being carried silently from the crowded tent. His trembling fingers closed instinctively over his pajama pocket.

God's blood, he called it, as he slowly filled two glasses. Shed for us sinners, he said.

The rat poison mingled beautifully with the wine as the priest turned his back to remove his white collar.

Stumbling in the dark in a rush to return to the safety of the boy's tent, Jimmy knew the truth would - at last - be revealed.

20 comments:

laughingwolf said...

love it... very nicely done! :)

wrath999 said...

Great job

alex

Ello said...

great ending. Nicely done piece - especially as it totally agitated me until the end when I was thoroughly satisfied.

Aniket said...

Whoa. It feels much more darker coming from you Margaret.

I know you are on a vacation. But I can only imagine the look on your face when you'll come back and see all the praise this piece is gonna bring you (and the ones it already has :P)

I thought you'll be entering a poetry but you should write fiction more often. You have serious talent.

I totally loved it. Perfect ending.

Catvibe said...

Margaret, that is great if not sinister! I like the way you got three scenes into it.

Therese said...

I like the main character's silence. You feel it coming, that undefinable something bad is waiting for him. And then his solution... well executed, Margaret.

Err... no pun intended.

Laurel said...

Sweet. Nice work. I hope the boy paid enough attention in math class to get the dose right.

JR's Thumbprints said...

For some reason I would've split each scene with a Roman Numeral.
I. II. III. It just seems more appropriate, more historical, and definitely, more legit for the boy's actions.

The Preacherman said...

Classy writing well enjoyed it.

Four Dinners

Tessa said...

Excellent - you have the attention of the reader right from the get-go. We know immediately that the child is reluctant..tense. And then, suddenly it becomes clear why this is so....

Clever plot, very well written. Congratulations!

BernardL said...

Creepy, creative, and an enjoyable read.

pjd said...

You did a lot in a very little space. By the end, we absolutely understand what Jimmy thinks and feels, how he goes in like a rag doll but comes out the avenging victor. If there can be any victor in this kind of situation.

Margaret said...

Thanks a lot everyone for your comments.
I just got back after being away for 10 days, so haven't got round to reading all yours yet but hope to recify that in the next few days.
Thanks Aniket for the encouragement to write fiction. I hope to do just that. :)

Gughan said...

The boy is tensed...

Oh, this is why. Poor boy...

Wow, THATS why!

Brilliant!

Margaret said...

Thanks Gughan for taking the time to read and thanks especially for commenting. :)

JR's Thumbprints said...

After a second reading, and for the record, my suggestion hasn't changed. Your flash-fiction piece moves quite well for the 250-word maximum. I would've separated the scenes with something other than white space and a dash. Put something larger in its place to make the reader know that "okay" we're switching scenes. I know its something minor, but I think it would work beautifully with your story. You could even separate your scenes with Chpt 1, Chpt 2, or Chpt 3.

Patsy said...

I'm glad the boy stopped this evil man.

JaneyV said...

I'm glad that Jimmy refused to be a victim. I think that this felt very complete and that you racked up the tension to exactly the right point before delivering that perfect ending. Good writing Margaret.

Jade L Blackwater said...

Very sad - I'm grateful for the justice.

jason evans said...

The fragmented approach felt like stepping stones through repressed memories. High marks for entertainment and technical elements.