Monday, July 13, 2009

Entry #94

Fetch
by Kurt Hendricks


Two figures approached from the southern horizon - they seemed to have been brought along with the storm. As the lightning flashed violently through the downpour, Eva traced their progress towards the isolated shack. She tried to wake her father and mother, but they were too drunk to rouse. In a panic, Eva grabbed some bread from the table and ran out the back door. She checked over her shoulder as she fled, making sure that the shack was keeping her blocked from view.

Upon arriving, the two men strode right in, simultaneously drawing their hoods back as they entered the one room hut. They were nearly identical, and were often mistaken for brothers. Eva's parents woke abruptly, and sat up straight on their old cots as the two men sat down at the modest dinner table. The man on the right pulled a decanter out of his satchel and set it on the table, and the man on the left, the one who did all the talking, spoke.

"Glasses," he rasped, motioning to the decanter. Lightning silhouetted him intermittently. Eva's mother stumbled out of bed in a drunken hurry to collect two glasses for the men.

"Come, sit," he said as he poured. Eva's parents, terrified, obeyed. He pushed the glasses towards them.

"Drink," he urged, and they hesitatingly did.

"There," the stranger said as they silently set their empty glasses down.

"Now," he whispered, leaning in towards them, "where is the child?"

25 comments:

Laurel said...

The tone on this is so scary! And I so want to know what happens next. I would definitely keep reading if there were more.

The Preacherman said...

Brilliant writing! I want to know so much more about this. Who they are and why they are and everything.

I won't sleep at night wondering now!!


Four Dinners

Aniket said...

Wow! Superb tale. You can easily turn this to a full novel about how she escapes and the struggle of her life.

This is a perfect set up. Great work.

And the end just clicks. Reveals just the right quantity to leave us guessing the outcome.

Adisha said...

Aaaah!!!! Am left wanting more ... :)

Beautifully done ...

Tessa said...

Very well written and so intriguing... there just has to be more!

Kurt Hendricks said...

Thanks all for your encouraging comments!

And yes, here is much more to this story ;)

Catvibe said...

Leave us on a cliff hanger why don't you! Ominous and very well written.

laughingwolf said...

i root for eva!

JR's Thumbprints said...

You leave me wanting more. I like how your scenes play off of one another. Felt like I was watching a suspense movie.

Hoodie said...

Good job creating so much suspense in such a short space. Very skilled. Nicely written.

Karen said...

This is a great setup for "the rest of the story!" I agree with those who have commented before me -- excellent!

BernardL said...

Captivating story.

pjd said...

Brought along with the storm, or the other way round? Similarly... was the child right to run, or are they there to help in some way? Either way, there are likely to be two groups pursuing her... one to save her, and one to undo her. Excellent beginning. Just the right amount of intrigue while moving the action right to the point.

krista said...

Ooh. Another good one! Good job.

Deb S said...

This is well written, and leaves the reader wanting more.

Chris Eldin said...

This is awesome, awesome writing!! Kept me on the edge of my seat! Truly feels like this has been ripped out of the pages of a published (and well-received) book.

rebecca said...

I second Deb S.

aditi said...

I second Aniket, I really think this has lotsa potential :)

Terri said...

Great writing, this really draws the reader in right from the start... but dude, you can't just stop there :-o

Kurt Hendricks said...

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. It is not an exaggeration to say that when I checked in on your comments each morning, you made my whole day a little bit brighter.

Good luck to everyone in the contest - I wish I could've voted for more than 5 in the Reader's Choice!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Awesome job. I'd read on for sure!

JaneyV said...

There is a much bigger story here and I'm dying to know what the men want with the child and how did they know to bring wine to her parents in order to get them to spill. Intriguing and exciting stuff.

Anonymous said...

Superb! You drew me in instantly. Kudos.

Tara

Dottie said...

And I'm glad she got away, at least for now. Great story and I agree with the comments that you have a larger story you could develop from it. I also think it stands alone as a flash fiction piece.

jason evans said...

Has a riders-on-the-storm feel. A drink before the abduction. Chilling.

High marks for pacing.