Monday, November 23, 2009
Beer Philosophers #4: You're a Chicken
"I saw an interesting news story today."
"Yeah. They're doing a study on whether chickens are unhappy when they're raised in cages to lay eggs."
"I wonder what it feels like to lay an egg."
"Remember when you ate all that popcorn?"
"Anyway, they're wondering if the chickens essentially go insane."
"Chickens always look kind of insane to me. Making their heads go like this. Like this. Like this."
"The animal rights people are screaming that farmers pack nine chickens in a cage. They can't move or spread their wings."
"...and they scratch. And scratch. And scratch."
"Dude. Sit down. You're freaking me out."
"The farmers, on the other hand, claim the chickens dig it. Very calm and comfortable. Because the chickens are caged right after birth. They never know anything different. Kind of cozy."
"Awww. I like cozy."
"Here's the important part. Are you listening? Think about getting into that cage. Think about how important that precise moment is."
"I'm thinking that's the moment I run."
"You're standing in line with all those newly hatched chicks. Farmer comes along and onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnine. That's it. Game over. You're whole universe mapped out in the count of nine."
"I suppose you can't trade anybody off later."
"I'd probably get the guy who farts."
"Exactly! Nine bodies shoulder to shoulder. Up close and personal."
"I guess I wouldn't get the 'guy' who farts. Male chickens don't lay eggs, right?"
"You might totally luck out and get some super cool chickens to hang with. You could rag on the boss. 'Stick this one in your omelet, asshole!' Or, you could get eight of the most stupid, evil, grotesque chickens that ever graced a McNugget."
"I don't want to be a chicken."
"Not if you have to live in a cage, man."
"But then again, are we so different? We only meet who we're going to meet, and that's it. More than nine, yes. But most of us stop trying after a while, don't we?"
"I stopped with you."
"And our cage is just a lot harder to see."