Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Entry #143

The Superimposed Killer
by Jared Branch


He turned the photo over and looked at the back and saw nothing and turned it over again.

“It’s not real, is it? I mean the hawk. It’s not really there,” McGuffin said.

“Nah, it’s superimposed,” he replied. “Not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Boys downtown are calling him the superimposed killer. Boys downtown ain’t too original," he said and smiled. His left canine jutted ferociously and in the light he looked like a vampire. McGuffin shuddered and turned away.

“All the bodies like this?” McGuffin asked.

“Yep. Strangled so hard they’re nearly decapitated and always have their pinky finger cut off. And, of course," he pointed at the picture of the bird in McGuffin's hand, "they all got the card.”

McGuffin looked at the picture of the hawk flying through the trees. “And you’re sure nothing’s missing?” he asked.

“Detective, you can check again if you don't trust our work. It wasn’t a robbery. Bastard’s just been picking people off. Far as we can tell it’s random.”

McGuffin stood and stretched and put his hands in the pockets of his trench coat and it flapped languidly in the breeze. He felt his pockets for cigarettes but found none and he frowned slightly as he looked at the body.

“What have you got so far?” McGuffin asked.

“That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it, detective?”

McGuffin grunted noncommittally and walked out of the terrace and to the lobby and called the elevator.

20 comments:

Bernita said...

You really shouldn't blame Jason...

Deb S said...

Now I want to know what happens next.

Four Dinners said...

So do I. That captured my imagination. What happens next???

Laurel said...

More, please. I want more. That sounds like a fascinating killer.

laughingwolf said...

arrogant dick, that mcguffin...

holy crap... word verif: palin

kashers said...

A superimposed leaving card... certainly original. Worked too.

Aniket said...

Oh, this feels like an excerpt from a novel, I desperately want to read. Good work.

And if you ever make this into a novel, would you let us know. Pleeease!

lena said...

That is really good work but so unfair to leave readers want for more.

The only thing that disturbed me while reading was the excessive use of and's

thebokchoy said...

Hey everyone. Thanks for the compliments and comments. If you want to hear more about Detective McGuffin, check out The Bok Choy. He has been a character in my writings in the past.

I have never though of him as a dick. He's more of a depressed, inept character who's out of his league.

As far as the "ands" go, I borrowed that bit of prose from Hemingway, Saramago, McCarthy and the like. I suppose it is a bit dated prose, but I like the way it reads in this story (and others that I write).

Anonymous said...

You've peaked my interest with the characterization of McGuffin; I wanted some type of "rap up." --JR

pjd said...

McGuffin... bwa ha ha ha!

LOL @laughingwolf, nice pun

Interesting scenario, but I was hoping for a resolution by the end.

thebokchoy said...

PJD - You know what a macguffin is and you want a resolution? Come on! Just enjoy the ride!

Craig said...

I love all of the litte details that really bring these characters to life. Good job.

catvibe said...

Great job on the characters. (Funny little comment about the photo, I'm sure Jason giggled there, just SURE he did). Like some of the others, I was hoping for a resolution. The story feels more like snapshot of a much larger scenario that wants to be explored.

I agree with Lena. Almost everywhere you have an 'and' you can switch it out for a period and make a new sentence. It'll read just that much better.

Kartik said...

Really smooth writing man!

PEOPLE, PLACES, VOICES, FACES... said...

A vampire-looking, canine toothed detective with a languidly flapping trenchcoat...I want more!

Ranee

JaneyV said...

Wonderful excerpt - a tantalizing glimpse into a Sam Spadesque mystery. Very film noir.

Christian Bell said...

Yes, this one could serve as an intriguing excerpt. I think it stands up well by itself though. Nice noir touch to it.

Aerin said...



my caveat

Something I Would Keep

Effective dialogue, good movement, funny digs at Jason (LOVE), - all just really well done

Something I Might Tweak

I don't feel like this can stand alone - I think it reads as an introduction or excerpt - a very good excerpt, but nevertheless.

Chris Eldin said...

LOL @ many of the comments here! I really love this character (meaning he's very interesting), and I like your writing. I also like your use of 'ands' --it adds to your voice, and makes the dick more inept. (sorry for any pun there)