Bohatera
by Tara Watson
Even my eyes were cold. The sky blurred above, mottled with swollen clouds ready to release their burden. Branches of the trees swayed overhead, lulling me deeper into the softness of their fallen leaves. An ominous black blob soared across my field of vision and I exhaled the breath I'd been holding.
The cold spread through my limbs. Cold and peace. Shallow icy breaths escaped my frozen lips as I tried to focus on the bird. I couldn't, so I closed my eyes and waited.
They opened again when I felt the boot hit my thigh.
"You're wearing a vest." Fletcher's dove gray eyes glowered down at me. "Get up."
"Ow." I returned his glare and sat up. Pain seared through my shoulder where the bullet lodged deep in my vest.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"That she wasn't wearing a vest." I nodded toward the shaking girl on the ground next to me. My eyes challenged him to argue. "He would have killed her."
"Won't now."
The gunman lay still between two trees. One long strand of the moon shone on him like a spotlight, highlighting the silvery pool that flowed around his head.
I looked up to find the raven sitting on a low branch, beady black eyes fixed on the body.
It wasn't my turn. Yet.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
37 comments:
I like it. I just like it.
Sweet! In a really not-sugary way.
It had a cool Clint Eastwood feel to it.
Nice pacing and vivid descriptions. Well done.
This is so Beckett and Castle! I love the characters!
I am a sucker for dialogue. So very neat. Two thumbs up.
A nice, moody piece. Well done!
What a drama queen! I love her. And clearly so does her partner.
What's Bohatera? Google keeps giving me pages in Polish.
Really liked this one. The dialogue...superb!
Sweet, a very murder mystery like feel ... and like pjd, the title is beyond me
Great dialogues. Really well done. I like it.
A big thanks to all! This is pulled from a new scene in one of my WIPs. I just added some background filler for this.
Bohatera = hero in Polish. Though, I'll cop to not being positive of the context in this case.
pjd - wow on seeing the chemistry between Kasia and her partner in there. They adore each other, and yelling at her is his MO for making sure she's okay.
Nice story, I like it.
Strong images and brilliantly put together. Dialoge was also SPOT ON. My kind of thing!
Hey, we've both done Polish stories!
Hi Paul-
I noticed your Polish names right away. I've a feeling Bronek is just the sort of fellow Kasia would enjoy taking down ;)
Thanks for your comments!
Very ice piece. I love all the descriptions of the cold. I felt like there was steel in their bones. Very evocative.
That was meant to say "Very nice piece."
I liked the description of the surroundings and the dialogue, that's a very realistic one. great job.
I like the way you unfolded the scene for us, kind of like a movie panning out slowly; starting with the cold and then moving away to take in the other details. The dialogue definitely gives us the chemistry between them.
Great job.
I really enjoyed the last couple of lines. It makes everything even more chilling.
I'm with Bernita.
I like this very very much.
I could even picture it on TV or in the movies.
Great writing!!!!!
a sure contender, tara :)
Great first and last lines!
Awww, you guys are making me all warm and fuzzy inside ;)
Thanks!
Always wonderful, Tara!!
You've created a real sense of "character" for me. Nice job.
Left me cold, but in a cool way.
loved the part where you've referred to the gunman and the moon. Im glad that you've said 'long strand of moon' and not 'moonlight'. made me nod my head and smile.
i loved this one. the dialogue is beyond excellent.
I am so glad this is from a WiP 'cause I am jonesing for more! Great descriptions and I really like the chemistry in the dialogue.
Oh, and can I just say...
Even my eyes were cold
Wow. I knew right away that it's friggin' cold.
Thrilled to read that the characters are coming through so well in this short piece :)
It's Russia in the middle of winter, so cold is an understatement ;)
amazing control over the words. you made every word count.
This, I like! It was real and true and honest. The characters perfect! The writing? Great.
Good job!
Jean Ann
This one started off with great imagery, but then the tone seemed to shift into the dialogue. It was all solid, looking at the whole, but there seemed to be a disconnect for me between the first half and the second.
You just never know when it's your time. Interesting character interaction here.
Great dialogue. This put me in mind of Frederick Busch's The Night Inspector.
Brr, I could feel the cold. Wonderful writing. Oh and a darn good story too.
lovely prose in this (apart from 'blob') really enjoyed your descriptions (apart from 'blob') nice job (apart from 'blob')
Dear Entrants #1-105,
I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.
Cheers,
Aerin (#236)
BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the merits of Mafia Wars or whether Katie Holmes should demand a divorce
Post a Comment