Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Entry #15

Bohatera
by Tara Watson


Even my eyes were cold. The sky blurred above, mottled with swollen clouds ready to release their burden. Branches of the trees swayed overhead, lulling me deeper into the softness of their fallen leaves. An ominous black blob soared across my field of vision and I exhaled the breath I'd been holding.

The cold spread through my limbs. Cold and peace. Shallow icy breaths escaped my frozen lips as I tried to focus on the bird. I couldn't, so I closed my eyes and waited.

They opened again when I felt the boot hit my thigh.

"You're wearing a vest." Fletcher's dove gray eyes glowered down at me. "Get up."

"Ow." I returned his glare and sat up. Pain seared through my shoulder where the bullet lodged deep in my vest.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"That she wasn't wearing a vest." I nodded toward the shaking girl on the ground next to me. My eyes challenged him to argue. "He would have killed her."

"Won't now."

The gunman lay still between two trees. One long strand of the moon shone on him like a spotlight, highlighting the silvery pool that flowed around his head.

I looked up to find the raven sitting on a low branch, beady black eyes fixed on the body.

It wasn't my turn. Yet.

37 comments:

Bernita said...

I like it. I just like it.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Sweet! In a really not-sugary way.

catvibe said...

It had a cool Clint Eastwood feel to it.

Craig said...

Nice pacing and vivid descriptions. Well done.

Aniket said...

This is so Beckett and Castle! I love the characters!

I am a sucker for dialogue. So very neat. Two thumbs up.

emeraldcite said...

A nice, moody piece. Well done!

pjd said...

What a drama queen! I love her. And clearly so does her partner.

What's Bohatera? Google keeps giving me pages in Polish.

Chris Eldin said...

Really liked this one. The dialogue...superb!

Kartik said...

Sweet, a very murder mystery like feel ... and like pjd, the title is beyond me

Lena said...

Great dialogues. Really well done. I like it.

Tara said...

A big thanks to all! This is pulled from a new scene in one of my WIPs. I just added some background filler for this.

Bohatera = hero in Polish. Though, I'll cop to not being positive of the context in this case.

pjd - wow on seeing the chemistry between Kasia and her partner in there. They adore each other, and yelling at her is his MO for making sure she's okay.

Amias said...

Nice story, I like it.

Paul D. Brazill said...

Strong images and brilliantly put together. Dialoge was also SPOT ON. My kind of thing!

Hey, we've both done Polish stories!

Tara said...

Hi Paul-
I noticed your Polish names right away. I've a feeling Bronek is just the sort of fellow Kasia would enjoy taking down ;)

Thanks for your comments!

JaneyV said...

Very ice piece. I love all the descriptions of the cold. I felt like there was steel in their bones. Very evocative.

JaneyV said...

That was meant to say "Very nice piece."

SzélsőFa said...

I liked the description of the surroundings and the dialogue, that's a very realistic one. great job.

Terri said...

I like the way you unfolded the scene for us, kind of like a movie panning out slowly; starting with the cold and then moving away to take in the other details. The dialogue definitely gives us the chemistry between them.
Great job.

Meghan said...

I really enjoyed the last couple of lines. It makes everything even more chilling.

Four Dinners said...

I'm with Bernita.

I like this very very much.

I could even picture it on TV or in the movies.

Great writing!!!!!

laughingwolf said...

a sure contender, tara :)

Janel said...

Great first and last lines!

Tara said...

Awww, you guys are making me all warm and fuzzy inside ;)

Thanks!

Aimee Laine said...

Always wonderful, Tara!!

Beth Harar said...

You've created a real sense of "character" for me. Nice job.

kashers said...

Left me cold, but in a cool way.

Preeti said...

loved the part where you've referred to the gunman and the moon. Im glad that you've said 'long strand of moon' and not 'moonlight'. made me nod my head and smile.
i loved this one. the dialogue is beyond excellent.

Laurel said...

I am so glad this is from a WiP 'cause I am jonesing for more! Great descriptions and I really like the chemistry in the dialogue.

Oh, and can I just say...

Even my eyes were cold

Wow. I knew right away that it's friggin' cold.

Tara said...

Thrilled to read that the characters are coming through so well in this short piece :)

It's Russia in the middle of winter, so cold is an understatement ;)

truevoid said...

amazing control over the words. you made every word count.

Jean Ann Williams said...

This, I like! It was real and true and honest. The characters perfect! The writing? Great.

Good job!

Jean Ann

Rabid Fox said...

This one started off with great imagery, but then the tone seemed to shift into the dialogue. It was all solid, looking at the whole, but there seemed to be a disconnect for me between the first half and the second.

james r tomlinson said...

You just never know when it's your time. Interesting character interaction here.

stacy said...

Great dialogue. This put me in mind of Frederick Busch's The Night Inspector.

Deb Smythe said...

Brr, I could feel the cold. Wonderful writing. Oh and a darn good story too.

Jane said...

lovely prose in this (apart from 'blob') really enjoyed your descriptions (apart from 'blob') nice job (apart from 'blob')

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the merits of Mafia Wars or whether Katie Holmes should demand a divorce