Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Entry #154

Untitled
by Teri Lambert


Stark, outlined against the gray sky.The "kewwwwKewwww of the hawks scream echo's throughout the woods.

A mouse on the pine needled floor stops. A shiver runs the length of its body. He hesitantly looks up, large eyes not blinking, searching the sky, knowing, really, it was too late.
He takes a step, brain realizing before feet that the hawks talon's are continuing his forward motion as he is starkly outlined against that gray sky. Feet still moving forward, for a minute, no more.

15 comments:

lena said...

That was short. Maybe too short. While I truly like the writing I'd like it to be more of a story than just a scene.

Laurel said...

Great snapshot, vividly described. What is going through those mousy little brains, anyway?

Minor quibble and I only bother because the writing is so good:

I didn't like the pronoun switch for the mouse. He should have been an it or a he all the way through the second paragraph, I thought.

Tight. Nice work.

wrath999 said...

I enjoyed it.

great line here.
brain realizing before feet that the hawks talon's are continuing his forward motion
Great line.

Tara said...

You did a nice job getting the picture across in such a short piece.

laughingwolf said...

short n sweet...

pjd said...

Ouch. A little like that moment in fourth grade when you weren't paying attention but you know the teacher is going to call on you for the answer. But I guess there's a bit of a difference. In fourth grade, the teacher doesn't kill you and eat you. So maybe it's not so much like that.

catvibe said...

The stark realities of life in nature. I loved the writing, but would have preferred you to fill out your available word count with more of a story.

strugglingwriter said...

I really like the sights and sounds in your descriptions. Really puts me in the scene.

Paul (entry #7)

Craig said...

It's nice to get a different perspective.

Deb Smythe said...

A lovely, well-written story and in so few words. I enjoyed this. Nicely done.

JaneyV said...

a perfect visceral description of what it feels like to be the prey.

Sarah Laurenson said...

A great snapshot of how little time he had to think and act before being eaten.

Preeti said...

Beautiful perspective.
Brings out very well, the fright that a prey feels when being hunted...

liked.

Aerin said...



my caveat

Something I Would Keep

That the size of the piece mirrors the size of the mouse - clever, clever use of structure

Something I Might Tweak

"echo's" should be spelled "echoes"

Chris Eldin said...

Awwww.... little mousie. Well written!