Untitled
by Teri Lambert
Stark, outlined against the gray sky.The "kewwwwKewwww of the hawks scream echo's throughout the woods.
A mouse on the pine needled floor stops. A shiver runs the length of its body. He hesitantly looks up, large eyes not blinking, searching the sky, knowing, really, it was too late.
He takes a step, brain realizing before feet that the hawks talon's are continuing his forward motion as he is starkly outlined against that gray sky. Feet still moving forward, for a minute, no more.
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Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
About Me
- Aine
- Collaborator and night owl.
Past Contests
- "Elemental" Short Fiction Contest
- "Uncovered" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silhouette" Short Fiction Contest
- "In Vino Veritas" Short Fiction Contest
- "Ascension" Short Fiction Contest
- "Running Wind" Short Fiction Contest
- "Whispers" Short Fiction Contest
- "Restless Dawn" Short Fiction Contest
- "Halo" Short Fiction Contest
- "Endless Hour" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silent Grey" Short Fiction Contest
- "Lonely Moon" Short Fiction Contest (with Anne Frasier)
- "Midnight Road" Short Fiction Contest
- "Two Lights" Short Fiction Contest
The Official Compilation!
Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
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15 comments:
That was short. Maybe too short. While I truly like the writing I'd like it to be more of a story than just a scene.
Great snapshot, vividly described. What is going through those mousy little brains, anyway?
Minor quibble and I only bother because the writing is so good:
I didn't like the pronoun switch for the mouse. He should have been an it or a he all the way through the second paragraph, I thought.
Tight. Nice work.
I enjoyed it.
great line here.
brain realizing before feet that the hawks talon's are continuing his forward motion
Great line.
You did a nice job getting the picture across in such a short piece.
short n sweet...
Ouch. A little like that moment in fourth grade when you weren't paying attention but you know the teacher is going to call on you for the answer. But I guess there's a bit of a difference. In fourth grade, the teacher doesn't kill you and eat you. So maybe it's not so much like that.
The stark realities of life in nature. I loved the writing, but would have preferred you to fill out your available word count with more of a story.
I really like the sights and sounds in your descriptions. Really puts me in the scene.
Paul (entry #7)
It's nice to get a different perspective.
A lovely, well-written story and in so few words. I enjoyed this. Nicely done.
a perfect visceral description of what it feels like to be the prey.
A great snapshot of how little time he had to think and act before being eaten.
Beautiful perspective.
Brings out very well, the fright that a prey feels when being hunted...
liked.
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
That the size of the piece mirrors the size of the mouse - clever, clever use of structure
Something I Might Tweak
"echo's" should be spelled "echoes"
Awwww.... little mousie. Well written!
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