Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Entry #160

Destiny’s Lonely Child
by Sai Charan Deeti


The autumn evening drifts through the window. I see a lonely bird flying high as the naked branches of leaf-stripped trees are sculpted black against a distant sky.

Birds returned home after all their day’s transactions finally came to an end. Just darkness remains and now sitting with me face to face in my room was loneliness.

“Never have I called out, why are you after me?” was my question.

“You are destiny’s lonely child”, came the reply. “I am here to lead you through the lonely road of life, a road through the wretched deserts with no boundaries.”

“I’ve already left my footprints on the wide city roads, on the narrow side streets and on all highways and alleys. I can find my own way, who are you to lead me?”

“You always believed that you are destined for loneliness and here I am - your destiny. I was born from your belief.”

“So, you are my destiny? Well, my veins seem still and my blood feels ice; I see dry leaves and wings of dead doves. Now tell me am I dead or wandering in the land of the dead?”

“Living a lonely life is a long, grief filled journey progressing from darkness to darkness. You are as good as dead; it’s just that a breathing corpse does not decompose”. He laughed raucously as he spoke those words.

His laughter echoed pain through the empty walls inside my heart.

22 comments:

lena said...

I love the philosophical touch to it. Good use of metaphors too.

Laurel said...

Very philosophical. Self-defeating lonliness manifests.

Sad.

I've noticed here and in the last CoNtest one or two entries with non-anglican/unfamiliar surnames that put punctuation outside of the quotes as a matter of course. Is this common somewhere other than the US/Great Britain/Australia?

anu said...

very poetic.

Bernita said...

"it’s just that a breathing corpse does not decompose”."
Great line. Wished you'd used it as the final sentence.

Patsy said...

Feels like a warning to be careful what we wish for.

Meghan said...

"the naked branches of leaf-stripped trees are sculpted black against a distant sky."

I enjoy this line, especially the words sculpted black. Great job.

laughingwolf said...

lonely, methinks...

pjd said...

@laughingwolf, I think you grasped the subtlety of this well. ;-)

Now, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time.

Seriously: this is a bit too "you deserve to be miserable because you are alone" for my taste. That's not to say it's bad--the dialog works, and I love the breathing corpse line.

catvibe said...

I like the dialogue between the inner voices. Nice job.

Craig said...

A powerful piece. Delving into the strangled web of self loathing.

Sai Charan... said...

My Dear Friends,

Pardon me for the delay in my response to your comments, work at office takes over most of my time.

First of all, I would like to express my gratitude to all my friends here for sharing your opinions on my piece of writing.

How can I thank you enough - all your suggestions are so valuable and encouraging, they mean a lot to me. Every word you’ve written here cheers my heart and inspires me to write more :)

I was participating for the first time in a contest like this and it was really exciting to come up with some idea to pen down a short story on a Silhouette.

I’ll read through all your entries, share my opinions on them and then visit your respective blogs to enjoy your writings :)

Thanks to Jason for giving me this opportunity to meet such nice friends :)

Cheers,
Charan.

Four Dinners said...

Such loneliness and despair. Well written but so so sad.

Sai Charan... said...

@Lena :
Glad you liked the philosophical touch :) Well yes, metaphors add to the flavor :)


@Laurel :
Yeah, the loneliness depicted here is not a normal one - it is "Autophobia". Thanks for taking time to write such a nice comment.

About your question on unfamiliar surnames: Yes, I’m from India and it is quite common in India to have such "never-heard-before" kinda surnames, such as mine.

On a lighter vein, sometimes when you are in a huge gathering, a ‘one of its kind’ surname can definitely help your friends find you easily :) ha ha…


@Anu :
Thanks a lot, you cared to write two beautiful words which added to the big smile on my face :)


@Bernita :
Experience in writing leads us to expertise. I’m a novice and slowly able to understand how a piece of writing can be improved upon to achieve perfection :)

It would’ve sounded better if “a breathing corpse does not decompose” was the final sentence. Thanks for such a useful suggestion.


@Patsy :
Feels like a warning? This story is only about a person suffering from "Autophobia" - a paralyzing fear of being left alone.

Hmm being careful with our wishes does help, but with so many loved ones around us, life can just be enjoyed the way it is :)


@ Meghan :
I stared so long at the Silhouette to write that line which you have quoted in your comment.

I knew some friend would like it and I’m glad you are the first one to mention about it. Thanks for such an appreciative comment.


@Laughing wolf:
So it makes you ponder on loneliness?

The story talks about - "Autophobia". Thanks for your comment :)

Sai Charan... said...

@ PJD :
Thank you for taking time to write your opinion and quote useful points :)

But please understand that “Destiny’s Lonely Child” portrays a person who is suffering from extreme conditions of “Autophobia” or “Monophobia”.

This story is not about - “you deserve to be miserable because you are alone”.

Many people are alone in this world and are very happy - but not every one suffers from Autophobia and that too the extreme - last stage.

It is not normal loneliness, it is complex kind of extreme loneliness which is born out of self-hatred where the last leaf of hope is lost and suicidal thoughts trouble the mind.

People who suffer from autophobia get such lonely painful depressing thoughts.

I believe that loneliness can’t have the same influence on everyone. It affects different people with varied intensity depending on their psychological thoughts and present mental state.

Influence of loneliness is quite painful on a disturbed sensitive mind whereas the same may give peace, calmness and joy to a strong stable mind.

Yes, Beyonce - Learn to be lonely :) says loneliness is loved and enjoyed :)


@ Catvibe :
Glad you liked the dialogue between the inner voices. Your words are encouraging, thank you so much :)


@ Craig :
Yes, the protagonist is suffering from Autophoia and a pinch of self-hatred and self loathing are added. Thanks for calling it a powerful piece :)


@Four Dinners :
Thanks for sharing your opinion on the story, I’m sorry the story made you so sad - do visit my blog friend, I’ll make you smile - sharing plenty of laughs :)

Deb Smythe said...

"You are as good as dead; it’s just that a breathing corpse does not decompose."

That's a great line.

CJT said...

This just made my day, dark, sad, yet mind boggeling. I very much enjoyed this one, and to the top of the list is rises!

truevoid said...

agree with bernita here.

JaneyV said...

I realise, Charan, reading our response, that you were writing about something far more insidious than mere loneliness. What you are describing is a mental illness that leads to delusion. However I do believe that if you concentrate on something for long enough and give it your energy you do invite it into your life. Hence delusion becomes a reality.

I like the way through the second voice you showed her how here choices have brought her to this place.

James R. Tomlinson said...

Very philosophical writing. Still, I prefer some type of action, even if it's one thing, instead of inner-dialogue. You got me thinking on this piece, especially with the above comments.

Preeti said...

i liked this because it has a philosophical tinge to it.

and i am leaving with a sad feeling for the MC. he seems REALLY alone. even his thoughts/imaginations are mocking him...

SAD...

Aerin said...



my caveat

Something I Would Keep

bird's transactions - nice - several similarly nice phrases

Something I Might Tweak

I'd cut the last two sentences - I'd also mention some of the treatments this person might have been forced to try?


HA! My word verification is "angst"

Chris Eldin said...

Ditto Bernita. I love that line, and it would've been really nice to end with that one! Really good read!