Breakfast
by Lynn Kinsey
The fire dwindled—hot coals barely breathing. It was dawn, and getting cold in the small cabin. I looked out the window. Mist moved across the field where a hawk circled above, its head darting back and forth looking for breakfast.
“No TV, no phone, no internet. What the hell was I thinking?” I grumbled to no one.
He thought it would be cool to move up here—remote, isolated from the rest of the world. Pissed was an understatement as I had little food, the horse was lame, and Mr. Pioneer had been dead for a month. It would be almost two months before the supply plane would come—my taxi home.
I was stuck. Stuck and pissed. I knew what I had to do, but loathed doing it. I looked at the rifle by the door, then back over to the stump outside—the axe deeply lodged in its middle. Can I even wield the damn thing? I hated the cold.
I let out a deep sigh and lamented my last beautiful French tip. I pulled on my hiking boots, put on his blue parka, and grabbed the gun. Cracking the door, feather light flurries touched my feverish cheeks. I peeked out towards the dark tree line, the only place to get wood— the bears are surely in hibernation. The thought of room service and hot scones popped into my head. My stomach growled, and I caressed my swollen belly. The hawk soared straight to Earth, chuckling.
(Lynn Kinsey lives in Colorado with her three children(four if you count her husband)and lots of animals on a 30,000 acre parcel of Earth. She looks forward to graduating summa cum laude from UC Denver with her BA in English Writing this year.)
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28 comments:
"The thought of room service and hot scones popped into my head"
That's exactly what my head is filled with, most of the time. :D
Loved the voice in the piece. I truly did. Exceptional writing.
Great voice!
Mr. Pioneer had been dead for a month made me laugh out loud. Dark humor shines here because she's so mad at her predicament, and Mr. Pioneer, instead of just outright terrified. And it sounds pretty dire.
Fantastic writing.
What Laurel said.
Beautiful writing.
Flawless. It was an easy, uninterrupted read. And it brought out the simmering irritation of the character really well..
liked. very much.
I liked the voice here too. Great piece!
Yep, I liked the voice as well. Nice work.
excellent, lynn...
And no opportunity to wear slingbacks either.
Great voice.
great imagery and peek into her psyche
A tough lesson to learn. The grass isn't always greener...
Very cool writing.. and in a way hilarious how one could get in such a predicament!
Exceptional writing. I have always loved your stuff.
When you speak, Lynn, everything else fades away. Your voice is like a gentle siren.
wonderful piece!
But... but... what happens to her?
I do like the details you've chosen and the axe in the stump and the hibernating bears and tree line. The use of the rifle (and the dead husband) to explain hidden dangers (I assume he was killed by a bear).
But I want to know what happens to her.
I'm not sure you need the italics when the whole narrative structure reads like internal dialogue. Nice writing though.
Aaargh - another comment chewed!!!!
Just wanted to say - loved her, loved the attitude, loved the voice.
And was her swollen belly from hunger or had her inconsiderate husband gone a died leaving her pregnant??
Pete - she gets hit by a bus. Read the fine print.
Lynn - Hello fellow Coloradoan! I work in Boulder, live btw. there & Denver - nice to "meet" you!)
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
lamenting the last beautiful French tip! All those sorts of details are perfect, and just make this a fun, charming, skillful piece!
Something I Might Tweak
I wouldn't make her pregnant (swollen belly? - or is she just hungry?) - I like the characterization without.
30,000 acres
Wow - that's a lot of mowing. ;-)
Very good. Love the dark humor, the fish out of water and having to survive elements. Excellent.
Thank you all so much for your support and comments. I would like to say that as with most of my writing, I could go back and change things regularly and never be satisfied. I changed this story up several times, and I am now in agreement that it might have been better to leave the swollen belly for another story. Yes, he died and left her pregnant. So she was pregnant and pissed. I think it could be left off. I like her the way she is, and I don't want to solicit cheap sympathy. I am thinking I would like to make this a short story, though. This has been a fun contest! Thanks everyone!
I'm with her ... room service and hot anything. :)
Great piece, Lynn.
Really enjoyed this one, and love your dark, wry humor! Also am very curious about the 30,000 acres! Sooooo cool!!! And in Colorado. My dream state, as I go around telling anyone I see who lives there.
:-)
Great writing, and I think this would work well as a short story.
One of the perks of marrying a cowboy I guess. The ranch is backed up against the San Isabel National Forest and the Sangre de Christo mountain range. It is also on the backside of the Spanish Peaks. It is a beautiful piece of heaven, and no we don't own it. Darn it all to hell--maybe after I finish my masters and start earning the big bucks! The good part, though, is we get to live here at 7500 feet with the hundreds of elk in our yard during the rutting season, bears big enough to move pickup trucks, and lots of wildcats and coyotes. Deer are a given, with large herds around 600 or so. The elk number around 400 in herds that pass through the canyon by our house. It is idyllic, and the owners only see it maybe a couple of times a year. We take the kids out to chop down a tree for Christmas, I make homemade wreaths. It takes about thirty minutes to drive out of the canyon to the nearest town, but I don't think I ever want to be that close to town again. It's just too beautiful. By the way, when I wrote about "western" things before, I had instructors tell me that it wasn't very popular, boring, or not current. So I decided to test the boundaries of the western, and write about the modern west--what I live. This short is just the beginning. I have so much to explore with this "new" genre. I am glad I found you all! Great group of writers!
Oh my God you are living in my dream! And as for Westerns? - I love, love , love the genre. I mean what's not to love about gritty frontier survivalism? It's the reason I love Sci-fi - which is essentially cowboys in space with better gadgets.
Reminds me a little of Alexandra Fuller's writing. Witty, well paced, ironic. Truly excellent! My top ten, for sure...
I love the scene you've set up here. Great.
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