The Willow
by Jasmine
Shapes blurred
Vision maintained
Thoughts blank
Everything cold
The sky
The feeling
No word to describe
That blank Grey
You’re looking out the window
Trying to find solitude
But all’s the same
Everything’s the same
No thoughts
No courage
Nothing to withstand the block
Nothing to keep you going
But that
Black
Damned Bird
Passing overhead
Moving though the dark,
Cold, desolate night
Making you think
It’s close
It’s near
And you can reach for it
Reach for that goal
That freedom
To let your mind
No
Yourself
Free
The grasp
Holding you down
Not letting you go
You can’t shake it off
Can’t fight it
You just let it hold you
And you try
No
You want to try
So hard
To get out into the night
To soar
Be free
With that black
Damned bird
Flying across winter’s night
But no key will set you free
No, no chance
Of ever dropping those chains
You took your whole life to build
You sink
Back into your chair
Knowing that
You are forever stuck
To look out the window
Gaping
At everything
You could never have
The taste
The feel
Of fresh air
Against your broken skin
Of tortured self
That took you
Your entire being to realize
That it was all your fault
That the reason you can’t move
The reason you won’t move
Is right in front of you
And you chose not to see
Anything else
But the black
Damned bird
Flying away
With your dreams
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18 comments:
Paralyzed by fear or literally?
I love the simple structure and words here. The longing for something else is palpable.
Lovely - courageous!
Wow...I wondered why no one tried poetry apart from me and here i see you..
As the depth of feelings is so deep and realistic...the stumbling rhythm can be ignored.
Hope did raise at one point and then pulled down by the reality at the end.
Good attempt :)
probably Jason can judge it better cuz I myself new to poetry :)
"And you chose not to see
Anything else
But the black
Damned bird
Flying away
With your dreams"
Lovely finale!
I like the repetition of " black damned bird."
Love the staccato beat. It really fits the mood.
Lovely poem. Almost felt like it was one long sentence.
I especially liked the way it flowed.
Lack of rhyme added to the depth.
Liked. Very much. :-)
I also liked the flow of the poem. Really well done.
@ Mahesh: there are few more poems in the contest, you might have missed them.
I too loved the easy flow of words. And Bernita beat me into picking up the fav. lines. Liked this a lot.
Absolutely beautiful! And profound at a very psychological level...
Nevine
Very beautiful and lyrical. The rhythm flows wonderfully.
Your name caught my eye. My first name is Jasmin too, no "e" at the end.
J. Randick
very well done, jasmine :)
Caveat
Something I Would Keep
definitely the last lines
Something I Might Tweak
more description - many of the words are less than specific, and you can still keep that wonderful staccato with more precise words
Interesting take on the photograph. I like your choice of putting one thought, one object by themselves, giving emphasis where it needs to be.
Sad yet cautionary tale - carpe diem.
Well done.
I liked the structure of short, sharp lines. It gave an impression of struggling against chains.
Every decision we make constructs our lives around us. We can construct life of beauty, of love and of possibilities or we can make our lives a prison. We should chose carefully or one day our choices will be too limited
And you chose not to see
Anything else
But the black
Damned bird
Flying away
With your dreams
Well written.
Might I suggest that the entirety of the poem is that last stanza, and all the rest of it is simply redundant and therefore can be cut? I love that last stanza, and I think you get across the whole message with more impact right there.
Blogger just ate the comment I tried to leave. Normally I would be disgruntled about that and not leave much the next time, but this one felt important to try again...:-)
I loved the message of this piece, and there are so many well written lines. The form of the poem got in the way for me though. I felt the lines didn't flow like a poem, but were chopped sentences and therefore not graceful. I think you can do better to form this poem and put more poetry into the lines. Or, you could make it into a prose poem and extend your sentences. As it is now, the form doesn't hold the weight of the message. For me anyway.
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