Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Entry #224

Nursery Rhyme
by Kiki Seiffertt

A glimmer of light. A flicker of memories past. How did I end up here? I was in a closet. Darkness, hurt, and pain. Then light! I was saved.

Hello sweetheart. We have you. Can you tell me your name? Talia? Come now. Let’s see if we can clear out all those cobwebs.

A soothing voice, a comforting hand. Things that had never happened to me before. Kindness. A brief moment in my life. Something better. They took me away from my prison. Took me away. To another cell.

Is your treatment working, Dr. SchwarzeVogel? Talia proved to be a brilliant candidate. Very few connections were allowed to develop in her dark closet; socially and neurologically. All she knew was darkness. If this doesn’t work, she is no worse off.

Someone is calling. Talia. I can hear a whisper. Then pain.

Nothing. Are you sure she’s the best choice? Surely someone was worse off than her; more abused, more damaged. What? Another shock.

Would’ve been better in the closet.

This has to work. We have to prove this procedure is a viable source for treatment. No matter. She is where she is. We can’t get her out of this closet. Might as well see how far we need to go to make this work. Send another shock.

No glimmer, no flicker. No hurt, no pain. No escape. Not from here. Just the flutter. The flutter of wings dance through my head. Lost. No one can find me here.




Aerin said...

Wow. What a really fabulous entry. Brilliant, in fact. You must come from a very talented family.

Doesn't "Shwarzevogel" mean "blackbird" in German? ;)

And aren't you impressed you did this all on your own, with NO edits from me? Way to go, little sis.

Laurel said...

Brutally sad. Seeing a patient as an experiment.

Bernita said...

Heavily tragic.

kashers said...

A demented prisoner used as a guinea pig for treatment of phobia that forces her to face it head on? The dark closet being the dark recesses of her mind?

Leah said...

Wow, this is good. Flows really well, insightful. I especially like the line "Very few connections were allowed to develop in her dark closet." Could be a figurative expression as well as literal.

Aerin said...

kashers, just so. I would explain her actual situation, but you're doing pretty well!

I want to remind everyone to be gentle; K's not a writer, this is her first piece of fiction - like, ever.

Sorry, I'm overprotective. So shoot me.

jason evans said...

It's a special honor for me when a new writer feels safe (and excited) to share here. Thank you and welcome!

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Aerin said it all what i had to say it.

I must say, it would have taken lot of thinking to come up with this..

All the best :)


kashers said...

She seems to be writing very well to me.

The questions weren't written as a criticism, but as a compliment. I enjoyed the story, and merely wanted to gain affirmation that I picked up on the main theme aimed for; and, if I had, to let the writer know that she'd hit a bullseye with it.

Jean Ann Williams said...

My heart heaves with a sigh.

So touching. So real.

Jean Ann

Anonymous said...

The inner dialogue is spot-on; it shows the conflict. Good job. --JR

Aerin said...

(kashers, no, I didn't think you were. Sorry if I sounded snarky)

pjd said...

Typical big sister. The little sis can do just fine on her own, but the big sis feels a need to insert herself. Is it protection? Or maybe the terror that little sister has finally outstripped big sister? Hmm? Hmm?

Seriously--this is an outstanding entry, with superb pacing and drama, and perfect last lines. Great work.

verification word: ellis
the last name of another first-time entrant in the contest, a personal friend of mine who learned of the contest through a link I posted. how ironic is that?

McKoala said...

Oh, I like this one. Lots of thought and I liked the internal voice. (Neat way to get the bird in!)

Aniket said...

Mental five to PJD for that remark. :D Aherm. It's as good a piece as yours Aerin. (Would we still be friends, if I told you I like hers a wee bit more?)

The shift in POVs worked out great for me. Them treating her like a guinea pig and her trying to find some meaning in her own sense. Liked the voice and the pacing too. Waayyyyy better then mine first entry about an year ago. :P

Brilliant! Loved it a lot.

Oh, and welcome to the family Kiki. :)

catvibe said...

Kiki, if this is your first fiction piece, like ever, then I am quitting writing as of now. Ok, I would never do that. But your piece, your beautiful and utterly sad and brutal piece, is a work of art. It highlights something SURELY not discussed enough in this world, the treatment of people with mental illnesses is still so medieval. Welcome to our little world Kiki, I look forward to reading more from you.

maybe genius said...

Wow, a new writer, really? This piece shows that you have inherent talent for it. Keep it up!

Aerin said...

Pete....bite me. are so fickle.

laughingwolf said...

excellent write, kiki!

if one needs more proof of the ills ect can do, read about the problems it created for folk like townes van zandt! GRRRRRRR

Tim Remp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tim Remp said...

Let's try that again :)

Definitely in my top ten… what a great piece!

-Tim #138

Aerin said...


Something I Would Keep

"clearing out the cobwebs" - one of my favorite lines.

Something I Might Tweak

Let the reader know Talia's age.

Preeti said...

Wow. Beautiful.

The shift between thoughts and conversation is lovely. She is trying to reach out to the world and the world is so indifferent and preoccupied.

PS: All we have to do is just sit and write. Right? ;-)

Deb Smythe said...

Your first attempt at writing? Well, that just not fair! You got it going on, Kiki. A writer's job is to stir emotion. And you did that. This was wonderful.

Aimee Laine said...

Wow. That was powerful. What an amazing story and a well done with the multiple POVs. Wow.

JaneyV said...

Kiki - welcome to the dark side! Can I just say that this is an outstanding entry. The fact that it's your first piece of fiction like ever is amazing but I was blown away by this before Herself made the announcement.

Alternating between both PsOV is a very effective tool. We understand Talia more and empathize with her plight through the contrast between her inner voice and the cold hard facts of her case. Heartbreaking, tragic and really, really well written. Well done.

Craig said...

I like how you made Talia's POV so different. It really did give her a sense of long isolation.

Tara said...

First attempt? Can't be ;) Very well done!

Leatherdykeuk said...

very horrible tale (but excellently written)

Terri said...

This is excellent. Gave me the shivers and made me want to rush in and rescue the poor girl.

Aniket said...

I'm officially putting it into my top 10. I think Jason knows best to judge on skills, pacing, etc.

I'm just going with the ones I enjoyed reading the most.

catvibe said...

'herself' funny janey V. :-)

Kartik said...

This was really powerful. I will be thinking a lot about this entry..