Friday, January 08, 2010

Entry #60

Unspoken
by Stephen Hill


“I can’t believe you,” snapped Stu, and rolled onto his side. Turning off the light, he yanked on the lamp’s cord hard enough to tear it off.

So melodramatic, Miranda thought. So Stu. “You want another answer, ask someone else,” she said. A yawn warped her words mid-sentence, and she opened her mouth even wider to ensure her jaw popped. She knew he’d hate that.

“Bite me,” Stu grunted.

Her eyes narrowed, and the outline of his back swam out of the dark like sludge from a puddle. She heard the furious rasping of his forefingers against the pads of his thumbs.

“Stu?”

“Yeah?”

She wedged her face between his shoulder blades, and the muscles along his spine coiled and tensed. How she wished her nose was a knife. “Your mood is for shit.”

“Well you’re stuck with it.”

“Don’t be so sure.”

The sheets whipped back, and Stu was off the bed and looming--hair twisted into snarls, and fists splitting the air with punches. “You want to tell me something?” he screamed. “Finally?”

“No,” Miranda said, and clicked the TV on with the bedside remote. “I want to ignore you.”

“Another night in paradise,” said Stu, and the door slammed hard enough to make the jam crack behind him.

From the TV flickered the image of a raven soaring over a decimated forest, its ebony wings etched black and beautiful against a blue sky.

33 comments:

Chris Allinotte said...

Great job Stephen.

You captured the dynamic perfectly. The half-spoken thoughts, and petty victories at the other's expense are bang on.

I like the ending too. Considering how "trapped" both of the people seem, it's a poignant counterpoint.

Bernita said...

Chris nailed it and you nailed it.
Well done!

Meghan said...

There is indeed lots of things unspoken. Great job.

Kate said...

Well-titled!

Lee Hughes said...

That was raw in the way it was real. Great piece Stephen.

onipar... said...

nice work. I liked the bits of humor in it.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Ah love. Isn't it grand? Nicely done.

Paul D. Brazill said...

Brilliant. Tight as a nun's ...yes, perfectly put together with a real punch to it.

Leatherdykeuk said...

And they will never leave each other.

Excellent.

Janel said...

Loved all of the tension. Felt like reading about a train wreck.

pjd said...

Ooh, cold. Really rotten people who deserve each other.

Something about "I want to ignore you" and "you have the right to remain silent" tickles me.

JaneyV said...

Oh God this would drive me crazy in a relationship! So much fizzling anger and half spoken spite. Everything left open for (mis)interpretation.

You really did nail it.

Aaaargh!

Craig said...

Nice sense of doom. They are caught playing the same roles night after night...

Aimee Laine said...

Such a well written fight! ;)

Patsy said...

Painfully realistic. Why do people put themselves through this?

Lena said...

I love the way you caught their emoions in here. We practically can feel that they feel.
Very realistic indeed. Greatly written.

catvibe said...

I really think they might want to break up. Before things get, you know, bad. Nicely written.

laughingwolf said...

well done, indeed...

Stephen Hill said...

Thanks for the generous comments guys.

I actually started with a completely different premise, but it was a little too close to somebody else's idea, so it's very nice to see your feedback.

Aniket said...

Only so much love can cause so much hate.
I hope they find truce.

Very well written.

Chris Eldin said...

Ouch! This rings so true. Honest writing, and also vivid. I can picture these two characters very easily. And I agree with the person who said they probably won't leave each other. They are each other's sport.

kashers said...

I guess the compensation for them being together is at least they're not messing up two homes!

Laurel said...

These guys are so vividly depicted that I swear I know them. No one will be the first to leave because then the other one wins.

I'm mad at someone about something now, but I've no idea what. This couple is toxic!

Good job with these characters.

angel said...

That was a great piece! I could feel every emotion!

Lily Childs said...

Great, biting dialogue.

The vision of the raven feels ominously portentous - summing up the end to their relationship.

Terri said...

Ouch. I almost felt the door slam.

MRMacrum said...

Excellent snippet of a relationship beginning or already well soured. The broken light switch worked. But I wonder if the cracked jam was a bit over the top. The dialog was so well done, it needed littel physical back up.

Rabid Fox said...

I liked the story of the married couple, but the ending with the use of the television image threw me. Didn't make the connection with that.

Deb Smythe said...

I loved your word choice. Nothing passive, just intense, hard-hitting verbs to match the mood.

McKoala said...

Terrific domestic scene.

james r tomlinson said...

I want something to hang my hat on, give me a reason for their arguing, even if it's over what to watch on television. You set-up the conflict, but never tell us what it is. Your dialogue is superb, absolutely superb.

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like Sarah Palin's hair or the enigmatic career of Justin Timberlake.

Dottie (My Blog 2.0) said...

Captured the petty vibes perfectly, lol!

Congrats on the H/M!

Dottie :)