The Undertakers
by Sandra Seamans
Smitty Jones spotted the vultures just outside of Silver City. Black shadows circling high in the sky, with a multitude of feathered undertakers waiting their turn in the branches of a gnarled oak tree. Others perched on the shoulders of a cowboy dangling at the end of a rope, his body swaying with every savage peck.
“Petey Sway,” he muttered. “You never did know how to keep your neck tucked in when trouble was sniffing round your back trail. I’m gonna miss you, old friend.”
Jabbing his heels into the horse’s flanks he nudged the pinto away from the tree.
“He a friend of yours, Mister?”
Smitty froze in the saddle, then slowly turned his horse. A green kid with a deputy’s badge was holding a shotgun on him. “Used to be.”
“You just gonna leave him hanging there?”
“Ain’t much else I can do, is there? The law seen fit to let him swing, I expect he’s meant to be a warning.”
The kid nodded. “Sheriff figures to collect the reward on both of you, but he’s in town drinking and I can’t stand them birds no longer. Don’t matter none to me what you done, Mister, just help me bury him, then get back on your horse and ride on outta here. Please, I can’t stand seeing them scavengers pecking at his eyeballs no longer.”
“I know what you mean, kid,” said Smitty as he swung out of the saddle. Hell, Petey would’ve taken the risk for him.
Friday, January 08, 2010
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33 comments:
Very different entry. The old west puts in an appearance.
Well done.
I like this. There seems to be a lot more story to this story. :-)
Nice, with a very cool western touch. I enjoyed that!
Nevine
I like the description, the language you use. I like the old friend angle, the sage old-timer versus the young kid.
Sandra, as always, you introduce something unique into your narratives.
I like this very much.
Excellent piece!
I enjoyed this story.
Splendid take on a different angle.
I truly enjoyed reading this one. Good take on the picture.
Reminds me so much of one of my fav. movies - The Quick and The Dead.
Taking one for a friend, is always noble though. :)
"Smitty Jones spotted the vultures just outside of Silver City"
Just curious, was Smitty a legit old west name? It's REALLY common here now for anyone named Smith. I imagine Smithy would be a common name though.
"Black shadows circling high in the sky, with a multitude of feathered undertakers waiting their turn in the branches of a gnarled oak tree. Others perched "
I think you should combine this into a single sentence. It's a bit da-de-da. Some did THIS, some did THAT.
"sniffing round your back trail"
If I EVER say that about a friend they can haunt me, indefinitely.
"Smitty froze in the saddle, then slowly turned his horse."
Or he could just turn in the saddle... nobody would turn their horse to see who was talking to them in a situation like this.
Good idea, I liked this. It's a solid story with a simple message. I'm being ultra picky with my crits. Just ignore me, I'm deluded.
Old friends at the end. :) Good job!
very nice, sandra!!! makes me really miss westerns!
anne frasier
Smitty really comes off as a tired old cowboy who has seen it all. I love it.
Nicely done, Sandra! I enjoyed your story.
I'm not well versed with the happenings of the old west, but the language was good
love me good cowpoke tales, this is one :)
Very well done Sandra - I enjoyed that a lot! A great flash piece.
When I started the story I thought it would go in an entirely different direction.
Really enjoyable.
A very different perspective. I heard a banjo being plucked as I read this. Yee-ha!
What fun! I loved the language and dialogue here. I also like the wet behind the ears lawman who's squeamish at the vulture's delicacies.
I definitely want to know what's going to happen once they get Petey down and buried.
I liked the dialogue, the main character's description and the twist as well.
the mark of true friendship. I enjoyed this
Well I'm only about 5 shy of reading every entry and you're the first 'Wild West'.
That makes you somewhat unique and, a cracking piece of writing to boot.
It left me wanting more.
Nice one.
I also like the Old West slant. Very original. Great job!
So good to read about your 'characters'. You use actions to give me a real feel for the men and their situation. Well done.
LOVED your writing and really appreciated you chose a Western setting. I also want to know more. Very nicely done...
A fresh approach. Nice job.
think this is the first western I've read in this contest. Not too shabby.
Thanks so much everyone! This was a flash I've been playing with for a while but could never make work until I saw Jason's picture, then it simply fell into place. Thanks for all your kind comments.
Very John Wayne :) I love the dialogue - well done.
This reminds me of Elmore "Dutch" Leonard's old western novels. This is definitely an original entry. Very creative. Another one to put on my short list.
Congrats on achieving "The Forties Club" status in Jason's scoring system. "The Undertakers" was at the top of my list!
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