Friday, January 08, 2010

Entry #68

The Deal
by Alexander Salas


I’d never been afraid of the dark till I saw his ebony eyes. Darker than the darkest, the two black pits stared back at me. I wanted to run, but the man approached me at my lowest.

Shame overtook my fear. A ‘better life’ for my family he promised. Everything I’d lost would be returned and so much more.

Cornered, I shook the man’s cold hand. I shivered. Dread swam in my blood. Desperation won.

As we completed the handshake, a bird busted out of my chest and flew away. Silhouetted by the growing dusk, it disappeared in a matter of moments.

Afterwards, my life became a shadow of what it once was.

22 comments:

Kate said...

Very nice use of the inspiration photo. I admire the way you clearly draw two characters in a complete story arc with such brevity.

Sarah Laurenson said...

So few words, such a great story. Good job.

onipar... said...

Nice work, and totally unexpected outcome.

pjd said...

I think I've understood, mostly, what went on in the text, but I wish you'd told us more about the result. Was he tricked and his family was no better off? Or did he sacrifice his own life and his family was in fact better off for it? Does the final line refer to his life "at his lowest" when he makes the deal, or as it once was before he hit rock bottom?

Leatherdykeuk said...

A deal with the devil? Good call.

Bernita said...

Have you been reading Charles de Lint?
The bird from his breast rings a bell.

Aniket said...

Reminded me of the time I sold my soul to the devil.

Things a teenager has to do to get a laptop!

Anonymous said...

Not sure how something can be darker than the darkest.

I loved the image of a bird breaking through a chest, but thought it was a shame that 'busted' was used. As a description it didn't seem right. Did the bird break in the act? Should it have been burst?

I also liked the idea of dread swimming in blood, but wondered when it was said that 'desperation won' what it defeated.

Lena said...

Lots said in few words. That is some skill :)

JaneyV said...

Very well dine ALexander. I like your economy with words.

Craig said...

I have to disagree with pjd I think it is fine the way it is, the rest better left unknown. I believe that's how it is for the character. I think in his new form he doesn't know if his actions made a difference.

catvibe said...

The image of the bird busting out of his chest is awesome. The metaphor of losing his wings to gain security is one that too many people live, isn't it? Nicely written.

laughingwolf said...

ouch... very nicely done!

Laurel said...

Absolutely sinister.

I'm fascinated by what became of him.

Four Dinners said...

Flamin eck! If you can do that in so few words I give up!!!!

Well..no I don't...

Marvellous old bean. Absolutely marvellous.

illyriataylor said...

I am fond of this because it reflects my own post.
You did this well.

Liz said...

This was scary. I wonder how many people actually make a deal with the devil. Very convincing 1st person voice.

Chris Eldin said...

A deal nobody should take. Well written.

wrath999 said...

Thanks to all who commented

alex

Anonymous said...

I was hoping to learn the specifics of why this person would enter into an agreement with Satan. Lovely imagery here, and the representation of the bird/soul is awesome. Evil, but free. --JR

Terri said...

Hm. Some of us don't even need 250 words. How bleak. (In the nicest way possible, of course.)

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like Sarah Palin's hair or the enigmatic career of Justin Timberlake.